I’m pulling myself in two different directions. I can barely just stop myself. I almost did it. I flipped a coin to decide. It stopped me. I’m just writing to keep myself from being rash. It helps to put my words on screen so that I calm down a little. I can feel myself releasing the tension. I don’t really feel like doing it now. I stopped myself for now. How long until I stop for good? I don’t know. I’m really stubborn.
I wasn’t there before
Yet here I am
And yet, I am both there and not
I was receiving, you were giving
Another one bites the dust
And here I am giving and you’re receiving
I wonder
I ponder
When did it begin?
How does the cycle start anew?
There is no such thing
As fate
I need a break. Or else give me the courage to kill myself. I repeat the courage, not just these thoughts about killing myself or the ability to come up with a plan for suicide, I need the courage to execute that plan without any loose ends. And if it can be obtained from somewhere, then do tell me.
I really can’t cope with loneliness, I’m really down, this quarantine got me crazy, and make me realize that my life it’s not that great everyone just like me because of my money not even my parents give a f about me, we are not very close all my life I only saw them like an hour per day and they get very mad at me if they see me sad or down , I don’t even want to go to medicine school but everyone expect big things from me I just want to scape from everyone’s expectations, the boy I liked dumped me and […]
I feel incredibly alone and if you too we can talk
+52 1 9841469948
my friend doesnt make any sense. maybe im just missing something. with him…i could get away with murder. literally. like i actually asked him about this and he said yeah. but everything i do….if anyone else were to do it, hed hate them. he hates alcoholics. he hates druggies. he hates anger. he basically hates everything i am but he doesnt hate me. he just lets it roll of his shoulder like its nothing. yeah it upsets him and he wishes i wouldnt but he doesnt hate me for it and he never gets annoyed with me. ive even tried and the only thing i […]
I know they’re bullshit, but I can’t help but be fascinated by them. I mentioned before that I have a way of asking questions when flipping a coin. A simple yes/no test to answer my question. I know that it’s a coin and flipping it doesn’t actually answer anything, but I do it anyways. Tarot is a long winded form of this. You pick cards that apparently have some deeper meaning that you picked it and then you think “real hard” about something when you pick one, and apparently that means something. I do that tarot readings from a […]
Maybe I overthink things. I can’t focus. My head hurts. Too many drugs. I want to live in a world where I don’t have to take drugs to feel something, hide a panic attack every single fucking day of my life, and not have to care what others think of me. Not put forward this bubbly yellow goodie goodie everyone thinks I am. That had to switch to online school because she was in and out of the hospital every other week. Depression, anxiety, P.T.S.D. ,insomnia ,anorexia, fucking daddy issues. All things that exist. And never seem real until they have happened to […]
I, too, can be like you.
Words… My paint.
Pictures… My canvas.
Emotions… My colors.
Unspoken… My brush.
I, too, can be like you.
Where my bluest of blues may crash upon you like the saddest of songs you know through and through
Or my most crimson’s of red that may dance in your head like love or love lost if your minds set on dread.
But, I am not like you.
My writings are just writings.
My pallet; shades of grey.
Without you… I am nothing
But with you… I am everything
In short:
You each hold more power than you realize.
And, more often than not, simply […]
Seal the wound
Seal the wound
Seal the wound
The wound isn’t for salt
The wound isn’t for spit
The wound isn’t for pepper
The wound is to heal
The wound is to learn
The wound is to conquer
The wound is the epitome of beauty
Shut your sparks
Clean those knives
Toss the bandages
Take a walk in the park
Let the wound heal
Don’t throw knives at the wrong assassin
Don’t throw knives at the wrong assassin
At the wrong
Assassin
At your own assassin
Don’t throw knives
At the wrong
Assassin
Now shut your sparks
I feel tired and exhausted all the time… My body aches badly… I feel like I’m moving slowly, time is moving slowly… I try to daydream most of the time… But sometimes I think I am normal like last evening when I was studying math (yeah, maths and I get very engaged whenever we meet)… Sometimes my mind runs faster than it should… Like I feel like everything is moving very fast… Like I have a genius mind who can solve everything and I am like the most happy and excited version of myself (although this happens rarely)… Sometimes I look at my childhood […]
so things are going better for me I finally communicated with my family and told them how I feel. so they are helping out a lot more so theirs less stress for me so I’m grateful for that. my depression hasn’t been that bad lately with me being able to communicate better so at least life is better so always stay positive and know you’re loved by so many people.
I didn’t ask for life, just like everybody else it was imposed upon me. I can’t get suicide out of my head, it’s omnipresent within my train of thought, that’s the way a guy like me thinks, that’s my mentality, I tried everything to no avail, at the end of the day you cannot escape from yourself. I always knew deep down there was no hope but I procrastinated, the fruits of procrastination are intense punishment, life punishes procrastinators relentlessly. Why didn’t I take my life years ago? What the fuck was I thinking to continue with my life, I continued so my family wouldn’t […]
I had my second therapy session yesterday. Still feeling a bit strange about it. Don’t know how it’s going to turn out. My main reason for doing all this is to try and improve myself in regards to my fear of failure. To be ok with trying things and failing and stop passing up opportunities because I feel like I’m not good enough. The thing is, is there even a way to do that besides just forcing yourself. She told me that no matter how much she wants me to go for things, no matter how much my family […]
we live in a world someone else imagined
and I’m burning to dust in this twisted world
More than the fires below us
within us
Don’t come looking for me when I go missing
After you’ve sought to retire my flames
I’ve turned but I don’t want to hurt you
Close your eyes, look away
This fire’s all but vanished
Yet it’s burning, freezing, engulfing, neglecting
Close your eyes, look away
There’s nothing more painful than feeling I’ve let down my two year old daughter, because it’s always a constant battle with my mind to let me be the mother she deserves… And too many times I feel like I lose. I honestly can’t help but feel that me being a shit mother was pre-determined before she was born, and that I had no business having her. What kind of life will she end up with, with me? She deserves better, and I can’t be better. But I love her so much… This fucking hurts.
Jumping has it’s allure to me. I’m even over the time spent in freefall and have probably overcome the survival instinct all together frankly.
The gun though, there’s something about the gun and it’s finality that I’m drawn closer to at this point.
The gun exit can be recorded if needed. The jump is pretty public.
I’m just looking for general feedback.
Today, on this website, someone said that everyone is sad.
I fell on that person that was convinced that, after reading the rants of all the people here, that every person on this platform was sad, and that was why they were here.
I do not agree (but I understand their point of view and I respect it), simply because I am the proof that their theory is not true. I am here today, and even if I have my own problems, I am not sad, I am happy even.
And I am not here to rub that fact in everyone’s face. Each of us is different and […]
I’ve been feeling really alone for months already. That feeling when you’re surrounded by all these people and you just can’t feel them. I feel like I constantly have to do something to be appreciated. I feel like I’m in this fight on my own. Sometimes, it almost seem like I’m on a battle with my own sanity. I can’t keep it in tact with anything anymore.
The truth is I’m breaking. All the little secrets that were left unsaid but were everything I am well aware of. What am I supposed to do? I keep on running and running, reaching the edge, realizing I couldn’t […]
Goodbye, for now.