the only person i could look up to, just said fuck it, that was the last of my hope,i guess i cant get lucky like some people,i gave myself a black eye today, sometimes i still here my moms voice in the back of my head, and it tells me to do shit like she used to,wen i eat, it calls me a pig, just like she used to,i only eat once a day, and i quit throwing up, i just excersize till i stop hearing her voice,i gave my self a black eye today because i am a bad person, and i am punishing […]

i was having fun. it feels so weird to say i was having … fun it lasted for a hour til she came.and stoled all attention to me with her short ass shorts. the only ones there who made me feel like a somebody were genaro cris and alfonso 3 people out of 10  actually paid attention after she came im glad

Once again my head is spinning with thousands thoughts, but when i sit to write them down my mind goes blank.
I dont know how to write how i feel caus i dont really feel anything. Either nothing or pain.
I dont want to live anymore. i have known this my entire life. i want death. And if theres nothing after life thats even beter. i know i want to do this, then why is it so fucking hard to go through with it.

Maybe not the people on here cause I dont lie on here, but i mean the people, at work, school, facebook, parties. I see alot of people post on here about the person that was born smart and the person thats super popular, the person that played varsity basketball, varsity volleyball, softball and ran track. The girl that teachers love and that always gets invited to parties. The girl that studied with the geeks, played games with the gamers, made the jocks and cheerleaders laugh, stood around with the emo kids, skated with the skaters and sang in a rockband. Im that girl. And the people […]

the days are starting to get a little better with time. i’ve stopped cutting and my dad still don’t talk much but we have gotten better… i still do drugs but you cant do much about that my friend Dayne has been helping lots <3 im trying to get my grades up but i still have trouble . there is still days i dont want to get out of bed or want to go die thinking no one would miss me… but its kinda true… but i do my best not to think that.

And on one side is a vacant lot and the other a vacant house, wtf? I can’t scream in despair in my own home?

My dad will not talk to me. I told him I would be there at 3 o’clock. I got there at 5 o’clock. He was pissed at me and told me that not to worry. He was going to do everything. Well itryed talking to him and he blows me off. I give it time, but I can’t take it. I told my mother who was also at the game that I was sorry I messed up again. I also said I should be a actor cause I have to take all my far’s BS. And just hold it in.no matter how much he makes […]

Things have gone great. Alright checklist time:
Drugs I’m on:
Vicodin check
Penicillin check
Ibuprofen check
Weed check

Perfect smile ____

Cousin is letting me perform oral on her and maybe more? Check

awesome, all in all my life is finally getting exciting. The love of my life is finally taking notice (my cousin) and even though many (most of you) frown upon incest. I absolutely love it. She’s a virgin like me and wants me to make her orgasm or so I persuaded her. She could have said no, but said yes. We’re gonna pick some random date for it and choose a place at random thats […]

Rivers of salt and disparaged thoughts
tears filling the wells of eyes
lost the desire to will
lost the desire to live
no love left here
only me
I detest me
I detest me
Kill me
Kill Me
I kill me
I kill me

the darkest is not always the best
the light is so far away now
red eyes piercing my skin
gaunt and laughing at the hollowness
I am an idiot
I am a fool
I am all the things that I hate
I am nothing worthwhile
I am not meant for this world
I am not anything at all
I am devoid […]

I really hate when someone tells me they want to help because they dont like seeing me “like this”. I would love help, trust me, but seeing me like this? What does that even mean? Everytime i hear it i stop and wonder if ive really changed that much over the passed year. Looking back to August i suppose i have. I guess my real question is is the change really that bad? I used to hate change, still do. Lately though, i feel like thats all my lifes about. My past has changed. My present is changing. And my future is based on change. […]

Once again I find my self slipping and it comes back to the same problem I am lonely.  I have been here many times before after trying so hard my blasted brain drives my to seclusion time and time again.  I over think everything and drive everyone away I can not leave anything alone.  I have failed out of just about everything there is nothing left for me.  I would love nothing more than to cut  again its the only bloody thing that ever helped but I gave it up over two years ago certain that things would get better.  And I thought they did […]

You know that girl in class that is really outgoing and sarcastic once you get to know her… the one that the teachers all love for bringing personality to the classroom. The girl teachers and other students constantly say “Oh and that is why i love you…” because of something she says. The girl that was born bright and likes understanding things. The girl that, in 4th grade, was asked to grade papers all the time because she finished all her work and had nothing to do. The girl that smiles all the time and loves making others smile and laugh. The girl that walks around after […]

Over the past few years, all ive wanted is love… somebody to care. My family is never here for me and never really was. They have no idea who i am. So i’ve been looking for the right girl and its failed me. My past 4 girls have failed me… Girl number 1: Fine and dandy, then found out… i got cheated on. 2nd girl dated for a few months, randomly breaks up with me… No reason at all. girl number 3: Broke up with me for somebody who i know is just using her because he talks about it, ill let him because that […]

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about myself, though I still pop in regularly to read.  Lurking, mostly.

It has now been 3 1/2 months since I attempted suicide on December 2, 2011.  Exactly two months since my misadventure with my employer.  Here is how things are, having made it to Spring break….

Neither the Dean nor the Director act as if anything had occurred, which I suppose is a good thing.  I have been afraid to look at my Survey comments, because even though I keep a brave face and act reasonable, in reality, criticism hits me very hard.  Maybe after I post this I’ll go […]

Its ironic really, Ever since my family died (my daughter died of leukemia) i have been battling with depression and have tried to kill myself a few times, i was only just able get somesort of life back this year, but now the optinion of life has been taken away from me.

I have bone cancer, stage 4. im as good as dead. So i guess this will prob be my last post.

Im glad really, all this time i have wanted to die so i could be with my family again, and my prayers have been answered.

I will prob make out my will this week, i […]

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still. For they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. In this divine glass they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure. This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die, yet their friend ship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal.

i told him why, and again im the one left with the knife to my wrist but it doesnt matter they dont care for me like they do for her im just that girl whos there. no meaning, just taking oxegon all i will be remebered for is that emo chick who hangs out with iris.all i will be rembered for. of course i told him. he told me to stop being depressed how can some just stop being depress

ok ive only told this to one person. but i just cant stand holding this in!!! i think ive slightly mentioned it before. but heres the complete full on story! :”(

I was in 1st grade. the teacher called my name, and told me that i had to take a reading test in the hallway with her helper! her helper was a boy.
brown hair, and blue eyes, i remember he was tall. i walked with him out into the hallway. i stood at the wall, but he keot walking. he yelled at me to follow so i did. i knew it […]

So you think you know me and you only knew me a couple months. My siblings aand parents don’t even no me and you wna act like you do?

it makes me so angry the way people expect me to respect them and be honest with them, but there always disrespecting me or lieing to me, im a humane to,and i may be a mistake but im still made of the same material as every one els, there for i am still humane, and i dont care if i wasnt humane, i dont go around saying ill be there or i promis something if i know i cant stick with my words or if i know im lieing,just to be a jerk,people shouldnt expect peace when they go around trying to intimidate others,my […]