I am so strong when you are gone
In your presence it seems to deplete

I know that what I did was wrong
..did it feel better to do this to me

So, yeah. Coronavirus is a thing.

And I can safely say that if I get it I’m killing myself right then and there. I’m not doing this to “die with dignity” or any of that shit, because as bad as this shit is, it’s not young healthy people like me who are at risk. It’s people who are older, people with weaker immune systems, or young children who really have it bad. And I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s parents, child, or grandparent getting this thing. And I especially don’t want my family to be exposed to this shit. I’d much rather die […]

Ok. I’d like to do it in the next few months. I’m too tired to keep going. There’s other various factors at play too, for example the fact that I don’t like this world for different reasons. Nothing is really keeping me around. I’m not really enjoying this anyway. Well I’ve been suicidal on and off since 2011.

Rispredone, olanzapine, brexpipazole.

Antipsychotic, antipsychotic, antipsychotic.

Im going to go psychotic if i keep seeing that word. How is one suppose to “get better” when they have to live with that hanging over their heads. I cant anymore. I dont want to.

Ill save them. Either sooner or later one will work or ill get fed up and take everything i have. (Doctors dont think this through do they?)

i suffer from mental health i guess like everyone else on this site but i would like to talk to someone so we can share our experiences, feel less alone and be there for one another…it’s so lonely out here.

snapchat: curlyhairedwdr

Don’t use smiling as a coping mechanism.

I have grown to hate my smile. Back in middle school, i tried to cope with the depression attacks by smiling. Because, having a flash of inspiration, I thought i’d be able to get through it if i smiled. Because you smile when you’re happy, right? Idiotic thought, really. As befitting of a naive middle schooler. I never considered how creepy it’d be until after it became a habit.

I started to smile whenever i was hurting, whenever i cried and whenever it became unbearable. Memories of me smiling became the scariest and most unsettling nightmares for me.

I really hate […]

I feel like it’s all in my head. All of it. Like the stuff that I was certain of seems like it wasn’t really real. Like it was all a delusion. I guess I’m pretty delusional. I’m still here though. Don’t know why. Just am.

Does it make sense to be afraid for a future that I don’t have? I can’t imagine myself living past 25, yet I worry about getting a long-term job, taking care of my parents as they age, and whether or not I’ll be able to care of my kids (if I ever have any).

And I’d like to think that I’m not suicidal anymore – that suicide isn’t a likely probability anywhere in the future – but when things get hard, I can’t help but to think of the option of just ending it all …. it seems that the urge to die and to hurt […]

I understand that no one
No one can help me
At the end they surrendered
Left me

It is me
Myself
Who can help me
But I cant afford to

So here I am
Drown in my thoughts
Die in my dreams
My mind always playing with me

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Here’s the link

https://soundcloud.com/shanegilko/darkness-light

I say I’m okay when we all know I’m not. Smiling on the outside to be perfect, when in the inside I’m crying not seeing a point to keep existing when you’re only in pain and it sucks. Your friends left you. Your parents ignore you and your siblings beat you. But I’m okay. Its okay to not be okay sometimes but not all the time. Unlike some people my thoughts are the gun and the only thing I have to do is fall asleep because if you don’t do something to ignore the voices you’re going to pull the trigger. You’re okay! No I’m […]

I have thought about ending it all alot in the last week. Im tired of thinking of everyone else and being the responsible person. Taking care of everything that needs to be done. Leaving myself for last . I have alot of trauma in my background throughout my life . I blame myself . I just dont want to deal with it or feel the emotions.

Heck if I died in my sleep, that would be great. Don’t want to deal with any of this crap anymore. I’m really tired of pretending and faking. I can’t keep up this appearance. I really can’t. I’m falling apart. Please can it end already? I’m spending alot of time wishing I just didn’t exist. :/

i dunno what to name this, you don’t have to read. just something i wrote…

They tell you “you’re not alone”
but why am i staring at my dry ass phone?
sitting here wishing this house was a home.
room full of people but my mind takes over and i feel by myself.
they tell you “you should reach out for help”
but opening up I pour to much and drowned everyone that wants to care.
then you hear other people’s problems talking about how their life isn’t fair.
when your life’s been a battle since your very first breath.
every day in your head, thinking […]

At least he’s not suffering, in pain.
At least he doesn’t have to worry anymore.
At least he’s not here to pay witness to the next worst thing, wonder what else could fall apart. He doesn’t have to prepare or feel himself disintegrating. At least he doesn’t have to grieve his self.

At least he’s not here anymore, because he couldn’t heal and he didn’t deserve to rot alive, to feel every betrayal of his body.

At least he was. loved, cherished, looked after. Not alone even through dark nights of the soul. Forgiven when he fell.
At least he was.

For all that was, now he […]

I’m 12 a and I’m just wondering what’s the meaning of life? My parents have being abusing me, physically and mentally. I wonder why was I even born. I’m to lazy to suicide, I mean I could’ve just jump off a bridge and end everything, but what if I regretted at the last second? I just wish that I was never existed.

I cannot articulate in my wildest dreams how desperately I crave after a family. It’s the only reason I have to continue living, and it seems so mind bendingly far away that it makes me want to cry. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this emotion I feel. It’s ripping me apart.

I’m at university; I spend countless hours every day and every night plowing through mountains of work, in the desperate hope that having a good enough job will ensure that I’ll have a family. Why is it like this? Why is it so impossible for me to reach for the one thing I want […]

I want to end it. I’d love to but there’s a few things I’m afraid of. Oddly enough, it’s not what I would do to my “family” if I finally do it. It’s if after I do it, they would do it too. I can’t handle them in life, so how am I supposed to handle them in death? If the fact that them being around just seems to haunt the very peace of my soul, then what am I to do after I die? Must I keep suffering through what we call life? Because honestly I see no point to it. Or rather, I […]

Its been over a year since i last cut, but for some reason recently it has been getting harder and harder to stop myself. I just want to do it so bad. I accidently cut my ankle while saving my legs earlier today and now i can’t stop thinking about getting a new razor.

It’s been a long time since i last genuinely thought about killing myself. For a while things were pretty good; even now things aren’t too bad but for some reason i still want to do it. I can’t get it out of my mind. I want to stop thinking about it because […]