wherever you’re at, how’s the weather?

Please, enter.

Threw a party and nobody came. I guess it isn’t just my all in my head that I’m a shitty, horrible person. They really would be better off without me.

This loneliness is hard to bear

Wow there are so many rude, insensitive things and people. No wonder they survive because they dont give a fuck. Everyday its like something bad going on, its a fuckin war.

I constantly feel sad but with antidepressants somehow I manage to seem happy, but I feel sensible, I feel attacked and my parents sometimes tell me things that make me cry, and their solution to that is giving me pills and if I don’t calm down they say that I’m like that because I don’t control myself and that I’m just throwing tantrums, and then they just ignore me.

Sometimes I cut myself or hurt me, I really try to hide my lesions but sometimes they see them, and they get angry at me and say that I’m selfish that I hurt myself and that I […]

Please, arrive

thank you for abusing me in every way possible. thank you for sending me to school with no lunch. thank you hitting for me. thank you for not letting me hang out with my friends. thank you for working me almost to death. thank you for touching me. thank you for putting me in situations to get raped or murdered. thank you for being too stoned to raise my little brother. thank you for saying i stole from the kitchen. thank you for letting me go hungry because i ate too much then digested it. thank you for seeing my cuts and scoffing. thank […]

Why is it that I feel this way?

I should love my husband. But I’m so tired. I’m so tired of having to feel like I have to be careful with my emotions. I’m so tired of being disappointed. I’m so tired of being like this time and again. I want to leave, but I can’t.

I want to be happy. But I’ve been feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I’ve managed to screw up everything good I had going and turn it all into a bunch of fucked up shit, like always.  I’m shit at my job, and I accidentally fucked some shit up because I’m too fucking stupid and cowardly to ask for help.  I’m too much of a coward to speak to my college advisor and schedule my classes for next semester.  I’m going to fuck up my French final because I am too fucking stupid to understand which verb tense to use and I’m apparently fucking too incompetent to even understand the review.  I’m too much for a close friend of […]

I don’t know what to do everytime I fuck things up. I consider the consequences of my actions plainly collateral damage. Something that wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did. Now everything’s more of a mess. Now I’m wondering if maybe I’am the collateral damage. An unintended by-product of society.

The funny thing about suicide is that you cannot guarantee whether you’ll suceed 100% or fail. It’s been months since I prepared my notes but I just won’t fucking die. Yeah I locked myself in my cabinet and tried carbon monoxide. I thought it wasn’t working so I came out. The moment I removed the tapes and stepped out of the cabinet finally breathing pure oxygen, I felt so dizzy the room was literally spinning, i felt like vomitting and was having a headache at the same time. I remember eating while lying down with my eyes closed.

I said I’d definitely try that again but […]

Broken pieces within.
Shards that I let in.
Fragments were too thin.
Yet they peel my skin.

It’s been days, weeks, or even months since I last played. I wanted to touch those keys but everytime I play it’s as if the piano is broken — left unplayed for a thousand years, completely out of tune. My soul isn’t the same anymore. My heart isn’t the same anymore. My music doesn’t sound the same amymore.

first smoke ive had in years, i feel like everyone hates me and im only on day 6 of the medication already sick and tired of it…..why the f*ck am i still bothering with anything

Nothing. Do you ever see it? I see it everyday. How empty this world and its pleasures. How fleeting its riches, how barren its comforts; how vanished its securities.
Nothing. Do you ever pursue it? I follow after it everyday. How disappointing when caught, when you remember it’s vapor. How sad it’s reward – more aptly named lost.
Nothing. Do you ever feel it? I feel it everyday. How hardened my heart, how gone my emotions. How the voice of my Beloved has lost its beloved place in my soul.
Nothing. Do you ever become it? I am nothing everyday. How less I am than […]

Why should we live

I’m sorry.

so im gonna see about going out with an old friend from when i was really little. and im thinking about telling her everything so that if i start acting weird she will understand why. i cant count how often i deleted or blocked someone just because i figured they hated me when in actuality they were just busy and life got in the way like it does sometimes and i dont want that coming between her and i again. its like her older sister said yesterday, we use to hang out all the time and i would like to go back to at least […]