First off let me start off by appolozing for my horrible grammar and spelling errors…this id rather hard for me to write but I push out the words as I best can…
My life hasn’t been the worst but in my very short life I’ve been through a lot, after steping away from drugs and liqour ..self harm and other self distructive ways I’ve dealt with life…I attempt so despratly to look at the positive side of life…. I always seam to run out of things to be greatfull for… I try to keep the faithand hope that things will get better but I don’t […]

It all started when I was 17 I started doing drugs and drinking, slowly over the next four years. I have repeatedly fucked up my life though numereous people have tried to help me. For Awhile everything was fine but I have pushed my family away to the point that they disown me. Everytime I get a girl in my life I fall helplessly head over heels an throw my life further down the drain. Doing anything I can to make the woman happy but in the process I neglect everything an everyone else. Just  to have the woman leave me in the end.

In September […]

Is there hope. can i make progress? have i ? yes. then why do i keep coming back to that thought. that one thought that im not here, that none of this isn’t real. that the persone who makes me happy is himself a fragment of my subconcious?

why do i genuinelly want to die? why do i desire ultimate silence. peace tranquility?

why do i think the death is the way.

isn’t death a sin? does that notion of sin still apply though i seldom believe in god? however i believe in something? nothing. anything.

i am the president of the hypocrites club. -  twelve

im so lonely. but […]

Yes, I did attempt suicide once. When I was 16.
But I’m not going into details about it, it’s not important here.
Sometime afterwards, my dad said to me, “What would you have accomplished by committing suicide?” What would you accomplish by having us find your dead body in the morning?”
I don’t know what happened, but it woke me up.
I realized, what the hell am I doing to myself?

you must be three hundred feet high. it must be the

lonliest place in the city. so open. buzzing with

industrial noises. human traffic. delivery vehicles

hundreds of miles from their destination. three cars

parked above the city. somewhere where the owner

thought nobody would break in. i dont break in. i

wanna break free. this so called life in this so

called city or anywhere. youd think that the buzzing

would notice me but it doesnt. i could have

swallowed paracetamol. or aspirin. or sliced my

wrists instead of my legs. but i didnt. i chose to

find you. up so high. high in your so called

acceptance. of friendship and money and shadows and

god. of […]

Help.

After a lifelong battle with painful health problems, depression and some recovery from tramatic experiences, I’ve taken turn for the worse. I am living a lie as (by general standards) a successful, professional (and potential role model to a few) who hides this dark side from the world. Suicide was always a fantasy escape option, a stress relief valve in knowing there is a way out of the pain. Now it has become an inescapable obsession, I’m seriously planning and have the ability to kill myself. The problem is that I don’t really want to die, but in my extreme, depressive state of mind (not my true, […]

MY MOM IS GONNA SEND ME TO JESUS CAMP!!! apparently my mom says  im insane and i dont have any beleifs in god.ok this is alittle about me.For the people who havent figured it out yet im a girl born january 3rd.School is sooooo boring i dont see the purpose in it anymore i guess its the one place i can go to get away from my family.Last week me and my mom were fighting the whole weekend and im hopeing she’ll just leave me alone this weekend.Yesterday i did everything possible to piss off my substitute father (moms boyfriend) i had the radio on […]

Not expecting or even believing anything can be bored or stupid enough to read this.

I have always been fucked up people have offered their reasons e.g. if you are stupid enough to get hysterics, eventually, about being detained in a mental hospital or ruining your life etc, but really, other than some slight minor stuff its nothing much. There is no reason other than ‘me’ and my endless destructive brain activity. I am convinced the negativity that emanates from me has given at least two people cancer, one is dead, the other is very young and i care about her, but the prognosis is not good. Surely […]

Falling.

I love feeling numb.

I hate human touch. I CAN’T stand it.

Its very hard for me to hold a steady relationship because I can’t stand to be touched.

But I feel so disgusting and dirty. I don’t know why anyone would want to touch me.

I rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with this bullshit society.

I smoke weed to be numb and feel some normality.

Numb from the pain in my past. Numb from the pain that is my future.

In reality, it makes me more depressed.

It makes me think too much.

I wish I could always feel numbness.

I just wish I was brain dead. So I […]

Hey. There are many reasons I feel suicidal and want to kill myself on a daily basis. But mainly its the exhaustion of being dead in the world and having to deal with so many problems. I have a headache most of the time because my brain is working overtime. I am tired of feeling like I am going to cry most of the time, I am able to stop myself and keep going but it hurts so much.I really can’t stop thinking about it. I suffer from major depression, social anxiety and i just want to die. I’ve just had enough of always […]

I’m always a failure that’s what every one says. I failed in life. Every thing I held dear to me is now gone. My Grandmother died from lung cancer December 6, 2010 my brithday is December 30, 1987. We had so much planed. we were going to have fun, But I failed her. I feel like I killed her. I failed her. When she was hurting I shrugged it off thinking it was nothing. If I paid attention she might be still here. I lost a lot. I lost my house and all my beloved animals. one of my dogs was put down cause no […]

I’m done looking at myself in the mirror anytime i do i just want to kill something because I hate who I have become… And thats the only thing i can see in the mirror besides my ample amount of body flaws

It started when I was six. He came into my room in the middle of the night and woke me up. He asked if I wanted to go to “snuggleville”- that was the name he gave one of the guesthouse bedrooms. I always would go in there, and he would follow. But this time was different. This time was confusing. I followed him into the guest bedroom…Ugh. I know I should talk about it. I buried it. It still in my sub conscience. Constantly fucking with me. Replaying over and over again. As time went on, shit got worse. Other things happened. I have found […]

I am ridiculous

Lets just say of my child hood i do rember its ……not all good the cops all ways there put in mind i lived in a small village still do. my sister reminds me of alot and i am glad i dont rember. I was once homeless liven in a dirty motel when i moved to lancaster p.a for half a year in first grade. I loved my father i loved to hike with him fish do anything he wasnt their much he was an acholic. he was just getting his life on track he was going to surprise us for christmas  we made plans!!! […]

Bye bye mom. I will never get to see you again. Your cuddle bear is forever lost. Thanks a lot for thinking about me and Suzy and Katie and Dad before taking your life. GOD DAMN IT!!! I wish I would have listened to you more and cuddled you and loved you more. I am looking back through all our old emails and I see all the signs were there. You reaching out to me, to us. But I ignored each one. I just thought you were “doing your thing.” Being dramatic. That was my story about you. You were dramatic and you were a […]

Nothing is forever
Everything i want disapears
Nothing is forever take my soul
take my heart
they are weak
from pain of
losing things
Nothing is forever
like your body your soul
will disapear
your soul will be in
the land of forever
forgotten In a beutiful land you willl see the ones that didnt last forever your loved ones the you loved and they loved you the most.
You wont last forever

I almost go into a fight with my “friend” during the argument, i seen my “friends” cheer him on after i’ve known them for years. i now no longer have no friends, my ex riley killed herself 8 months ago, my ex miranda had a baby and cheated on me. my dads in prison. my gun is loaded.

I write poems when im bored but mostly when i feel like crap.Now ineed you people to comment on my poem k? and be truthful this is serious.

IN MY HEAD

My bones are shook with grief,

I beg the feeling to retreat,

I try to chase this horrible pain,

I thought mistakes are made so knowledge you gain,

Frozen in my black abyss,

This is a feeling ill never miss,

Lost in a world forgotten,

My heart and soul has grown rotten,

I wish to fade from this horid place,

Disapear from this animal race,

Say good-bye to all my friends,

Im sorry to say this might be the end,

Im sorry ive broken so many promises,

I just […]