i scare myself so bad. one day im the biggest egomaniac on the planet with plans to star in a movie or start my own clothing line. i laugh uncontrollably but im irritable. yet two days later im quite and feel like i have a giant black hole in my stomach. i cry and burn my arms with a curling iron. during this time i want to kill myself. but when im happy i look back at my scars and it shakes me up inside and makes me feel like im going crazy

This was originally a piece of prose that I wrote 10 years ago that I’ve altered slightly. Im going through a bad bout of depression at the moment and feeling pretty low and although its about a younger version of myself it still feels somewhat relevant to how I feel now.

You wake up and for a split second you think
everything will be all right,
But it wont.
You don’t know why but you’ve been sinking lower and lower and
suddenly it hits you and
you find you have no motivation
for anything at all.

You eventually get up but only because you’re made to.
You […]

Robert Downey Jr. my new obsession. my new distraction. I don’t like to think, ever. then the memories, they pour through those gaps that I opened, and it’s so hard to close them again.

I’ve spent hours on end, looking at Roberts youtube videos, looking up articles, biographys, watching his movies online. it’s only been three days now since I developed this ‘attraction’. but it hurts, when I’m trying to sleep, and all I think about is my laptop, and google. my escape. I’m argueing with my mom again because I don’t do anything but sit in my room, in the dark. because, he keeps […]

Paradise Lost – Hollywood Undead I sit here laying, typing and thinking. Do i want to go back to this again? Should I try and be freinds with the person who now hates me, the I USED to love, or should I go back to what ever  did before someone  talked to me about? I just don’t know anymore. ,I sit here listening to the songs that hurt me the most. Why do I do this, so when i crawl out of my cage I can be stronger than I have ever been. “All the pain isn’t the same when its your turn to hurt” […]

It’s a new day, with the same stuff. alone, the only difference is, i feel sick and dizzy. but the worst feeling on my mind, is lonely.

I felt, insufferable as I always do, but it’s never a morning thing(aside from feeling suicidal), I usually can stand myself in the morning, but lately it’s been anger, and low tolerance, waking up in utter torment.

Cutting does absolutely nothing, it’s as if my body does not want to take the abuse anymore, but then again, I’m only cutting over years of scar tissue, my wrists need a break? I’m getting off track, I just swallowed 10, tylonol 3’s with codeine. I know that won’t kill me, because I swallowed 45 of them in the past…my mother made sure I vomitted, yet never took me […]

The pain grows inside

Every day getting stronger

It wakes the fear that I hide

Take this life, take all I have

I don’t feel real

And these wounds

With time won’t heal

All these secrets that I keep

The nightmares that torment me

While I sleep

Take this life, take all I have

I’m broken inside

My time wasted

Failing to live

So take this life

It’s all I have to give

The sound of your voice

Echoes in my dreams

My god what have I done

I still hear your scream

I don’t feel real

And these wounds

With time won’t heal

Take this life, take all I have

There’s nothing left

To keep me alive

I feel her waiting

For me to lay beside her

She’s here inside me

A face […]

I’m here to tell my story. When I look back on it, it seems like a really stupid fucking life I’ve had.

To make it clear, I’m a 14 year old Australian male, so ill be using the Australian-English ways of spelling. Pretty much all of the trauma that I have gone through is because I was insecure about me being gay.

All of this started around July of 2010.
Everything was going great. I had great friends, family was ok, and I was secure. Then, in the mid year school holidays, I went on a holiday to America. It was really good, but I’m not here […]

One a day is just not right. Wanting to watch it drip down my arm, but screaming at myself to stop is definitely not right. Cutting in the first place isn’t right. But what do you do ? No one will fully understand what you’re going through, and when you find those people there are always going to be complications. Like being scared they will leave, being even more scared they will give up hope on you, being mostly scared they will do something, because they care too much. So one by one the complications arise, typical of me to be so insecure. But i […]

Love is patient,

it does not boast,
it is not proud.

Love never fails.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

One day, i’m gonna’ look at the sky and i’m gonna’ wonder if i’m supposed to be there and not me. who am i kidding? it’s not like anybody needs me. all i want is somebody to save me, and until that happens then this dreadful feeling will never go away. I’ve made mistakes along with everybody else, i’m just waiting on that one person that will save me, before it’s too late.

*SPOILER ALERT* if you didn’t watch “Black Swan” then go watch it. It’s very well done.

I watched “Black Swan” with my godsiblings over the weekend and although it’s categorized as a Thriller, I was not scared. I was actually surprised about how well the script was written and the performance was by Natalie Portman.

Long story short: it was my life.

Everything she did, was for perfection and approval of everyone. Body issues, constant practicing for perfection, inability to allow your true self free, always doing what others want you to do. Everything she went through, I go through in reality.

It’s not so […]

It works, but only if you follow directions.

I didn’t have helium, the recommended gas on hand.  So I opted for a more readily available gas; computer dusters, or “canned air”.  It isn’t really air though, it’s a gas that’s heavier than air, the opposite of helium.  I’ve read stories about it killing people, which is what I wanted, obviously.  But really I just needed it to pass out, so I wouldn’t feel the suffocation of the exit bag.

So I put the bag over my head and tightened it with the canned air straw sticking through the bag and my neck.  I exhaled all that was […]

I feel like a liar to the world. I am emotionally destroyed and sexually uninterested. I thought I was the messiah, but I realized that it was insane thinking. Now it is hard for me to think for myself any more.

hi am 18.. i am in love with one of my school mate.. he was loving a girl before me but she dint accept him but they would pretend as lovers..but after some days he proposed i don like at 1st then started loving him.. he stopped talking with her then he was with me.. but in middle he would feel about those days of them.it ll hurt me lot but i ll be silent.. all my friends left me as i did big mistake to her.. i don know whether its wrong or not but i love him lot.. he sometimes say about her […]

what is your opinion about anti depression/anxiety pills?

all for? against? would like to hear about you experience and thoughts, specially people who’ve been taking meds for a long period.

Once again  the health system has failed me. After waiting for two years for a diagnosis for chronic pain, my operation was scheduled for this month on the 10th. But of course nothing can go right for me, so it was canceled. Awesome, right. This was supposed to stop my pain and take me off of my pain meds, which meant that the doctors could start me on my anti depressants. But now this isnt going to happen for months. I have no faith at all that i will make it that far. It has been soo hard to wait this long and my mental […]

im restless. and lonely 🙁

Sleep for me is a funny thing, I feel like i can sleep forever and never get any rest. Yet its so hard for me to fall asleep. My dreams used to haunt me, now they merely tease me, with a life i missed out on