Having been sexually abused as a child, I can safely say that I believe that all of my gender-related parts need to be surgically altered/completely removed.  Knowing that I cannot pay for such surgery, my alternative, instead of suffering with that my entire life, seems to be suicide.  That would be the one sure way to deal with it so that I did not have to feel anything about it anymore.  Beyond that, my military combat experiences do not help my mental/emotional state or views of myself.  As a matter of fact, a bullet in the brain sounds that much better because I never anticipated […]

My name is Steve and I will be 47 in October – and after my recent experience, I feel so grateful I am still here and might likely see age 47 come to pass…

I’ve always been a wilderness lover, and as such, tend to be a loner because few people I know feel so comfortable in the  “boonies” as I do. In fact, it is my preference to pass-away, when the time is really right, deep in the wilderness, in a peaceful, lovely setting of a few chosen spots I have found during my lifetime of wilderness camping and hiking – like a
native person.  […]

I want to stay alive because I love laughing and dancing, I love music, the weather, the river and the garden. There’s so many films I haven’t seen yet, so many books I’ve still to read. I love traveling really early on a Saturday morning when everyone’s still in bed and the roads are clear, and I’m escaping to somewhere remote for the weekend. I love sitting in sweet little coffee shops and watching the world go by; the world that I hate in the main, but now and again I see the movement of a kind person and it touches me to tears and […]

They told us what life’s about,

Grow up, do well in school, and don’t act out,

Make friends, find love and get employed,

Marry, get a mortgage, be overjoyed,

Have kids, watch TV, don’t forget to vote,

Go to church, find some hobbies, congratulations you’re afloat,

Donate to charity, go on vacation, but ignore temptation,

Grow old, retire, spoil the children, and thank your democratic nation,

Reminisce, be at peace and look forward to the afterlife of your choosing…

Yawn.

Forgive me for snoozing.

I can’t help but think how fucked we all are,

If the above is the ideal then we’re all screwed,

We’re told from birth “this is the plan”,

Society sets this norm…builds this pedestal,

There’s no […]

if you are suffering and also interested in getting better, I have some info to offer that may or may not help.

first and foremost my email is asprin4themasses@gmail.com. If you ever need someone to talk with email me, I’ll even give you my number, we can chat at odd hours.

Second is for those of you who are depressed because of economics, I can offer the subsection of a website called reddit, called frugal http://www.reddit.com/r/Frugal/top/?t=all. These guys are the best, simple  to advanced tips to stay alive in hard times. They also have a community about suicide, http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/

Third is the information that depression has physical links, […]

“As soon as you’re born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect […]

I’ve been degraded and maltreated many times. I did wish a hundred times that I am dead. They thought I am snappy and proper and many says I am too modest to be here. Some of the immaculate seem to like me, some of them didn’t notice me and some of them hate me. Those who has gripes on me made my life miserable here inside the academy for the past five months. Yes I did thought of quitting once when I experience hazing. I did take risk on writing this because I need to or else I’m going crazy keeping all the sentiments inside…

Know […]

Do you ever have those days when you feel insane? Like, mood swings, where you jump from “I should go to the hospital so I don’t kill myself” to “I am on top of the world!”? It’s not bipolar because he mood swings are way to sudden, but it’s something. I woke up this morning convinced that I was either going to hit up a friend for 20 vicodin or finally go to the hospital and bite that bullet (in a lot of ways, I think that the hospital would be worse than suicide because I would still be alive to have to face all […]

My dad once said-

“Elle if you don’t have your health…

…you don’t have anything.”

He was right.

“We can give you 50 years”

I don’t want 50 years, I want forever.

“Check your sugars Elle”

“Take your insulin Elle”

“Have you checked your feet Elle?”

“When’s your next appointment Elle?”

“No relationship can survive contempt”

That’s what they say.

They also say ‘mental illness’

…when the impacts are all physical.

“Cheer up Elle, the world isn’t gonna move for you”

“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”

“Ugh do you have to inject in public?”

“HOW ARE YOU?”

And this is what I say-

“They live in their perfect little boxes…

Shock and horror for anything outside of ‘normal’

And melt away at the […]

I’ve been lurking around this site for quite some time without posting my own story/words. I’m going to try not to ramble right now but if I do, forgive me. I have no one to talk to and I’m hoping that finally writing this will alleviate some of this pain.

Instead of starting with explaining my past, I will start with the now. I am a female, 28 years old. This past Tuesday I was fired from my job. It is approximately the 15th job I’ve lost within the last 8 years. I was only there a year and a half. I just went through this […]

I stand in front of the mirror
And wipe the fog away
My vision is still hazy
From ridding myself this way

My hair is all in tangles
My eyes are filled with tears
I wipe the warm tears away
As if trying to rid myself of my fears

I’m ashamed of what I have done
But it hurts me even more
I can’t make myself stop doing it
Even though I know what’s in store

It has taken over my mind
It is eating away at my soul
My throat burns with anger
While my stomach growls even more

I am still looking in the mirror
Yet I […]

Not very far from where we now sit
A young man lived who was full of wit.
Clean and strong he was by God?s grace
?twas said there was not fear he?d not face.
Call it chance or fate, or what?er you may,
But there came to him a glorious day
When his heart found his first love true.
He swore that for?er he would love her
And if ever in his life it were to occur
He?d gladly lay down his life in her place.
Then before her answer, at her female pace,
(Which needless to say was quite awhile.
Of this I speak […]

What did you do after you got the IP? Why did you want to break in my computer system?!

Dawn bleeds across the sky,

Heedlessly ripping deep nights hue and cry,

Below the girl stirs,

Simultaneous to the devils purr,

“Damn, another day…”

…with no parley

The lancet stabs,

Done in habit…yet the pain still grabs,

14.3, 12.1, 10.6, 17.8,

These numbers condemn,

An onslaught to her mind, nothing to them,

“I can’t live like this.”

She wonders ‘what if?’- pointless to reminisce

Injecting…play the insulin game,

Let’s lower the high and take away the shame,

The world shifts, hands tremor…oh shit,

A low is calling…drags her down to the pit,

“Hush Jellybean baby”

Momma’s gonna buy you a chronic maybe

…maybe 50 years

No, she thinks. On her terms death will appear,

No…no sweet death for her,

They shake heads- hell you will incur!

She smiles.

There are an extraordinary number of people out there looking for whale vaginas, sadly, they found me instead.

She sits in her room with a sharpie in her hand
Writing down the words that no one understands
There’s writing on the walls, up and down her arms
Explaining why she caused herself this mutilating harm

It tells a heartbreaking chronicle of her brutal life
And it’s all there written in plain black and white
This story is for the strong, not the weak at heart
It’ll bring tears to your eyes at why she finally fell apart

For as long as she can remember, her life was always hard
At the infantile age of eleven she started her self harm
She hid her many cuts […]

It’s ok. In my country is not an offense to send someone to facebook but other a compliment.
It’s just sad that you are so commited on leaving but still I sense on you so much energy that you could be using in a self-respecting and caring way.

I’ll get to the point. I hate myself and have had very few periods in my life since I was probably eight (35 now) where I have been happy. It comes in flashes but never lasts.I left my adopted hometown in the NW and moved to TX. I absolutely regret it. I am broke, have no job (no one will ever get back to me despite hundreds of resumes/apps sent)  insurance for my family and am living off of the charity of my familty. I am a loser. I’m 35 and have zero to show for it.

I really can shut off my emotions to everyone […]

In darkness not a shimmer of hope is ablaze
Nights befall nights, with hopes of better days
My grasp is tight, the clinch of desperation
In this world I sit with no hope or expectation
Parts per million, brain matter, and death notes
horrible thoughts, through pain I breast stroke
My life so empty, heart long lost to the pain
Unto society I feel as though I’m only a stain
Past memories fill my head full of madness
if only I could finally just slay the sadness
I wish it were simpler or easier for is all
But its not when your stuck against a […]

I hope this post doesn’t attract anyone to take a giant wisdom shit on my head. I feel really desperate to talk to someone who knows how crap life is, not someone who’s gonna tell me I’ve got it all wrong . . .

I have absolutely no-one to talk to. I can no longer talk to my friends, even their best attempts to relate to me are so short lived before they start rambling on about nonsense, and I’m finding that more and more I am literally unable to talk to them about anything that they talk about. This is a build up of many years […]