Justalvaro this is to you. I live in a very stressful enviroment. From 7 to 16 I was being beaten by my father and my best friends boyfriend would beat me if I did not do what he wanted. And at that same time I was cutting my arms every day to try and forget what was happening. What he wanted was for me to be a pet. I was used to give men and women pleasure for 9 years straight and I would be in a hospital almost all the time. My best friend at 13 who tried to protect me from it died […]

How ironic. You can’t be depressed or perfect, that’s not socially accepted, ever. So here I am, smiling and laughing for the good, faking, so they wont know. But I really haven’t smile for days, not letting a true laugh out. I haven’t even cried, for a couple of months now. My own feelings are killing me. I’ve stopped self injuring myself, ever since I stopped crying. But now, I’m falling, trembling as I walk, dying everyday a little more, from sadness and pain. I’m empty myself, not having any emotions at all, just faking. My mask is slowly falling appart, slowly letting my emptiness […]

Lie to me and kill me slowly.
Take the blade out
And shove it through my heart.
Let the blood drip out
And drown me in my own tears.
Kill me tonight because tomorrow…
I won’t be around for you to do it!
Lie to me and kill me tonight.
I want you to be the last thing I see
As you rip out my heart
And fuck it over.
Be just like the rest
And never look back
To see the mess you caused.
Lie to me and kill me slowly.
I want to die at your hands
You had promised me that
Or […]

When I was 11 I tried to kill myself for the first time. It was way to easy for me to get a hold of medicine, a gun, razors and poison to kill myself. When I tried the first time I took 15 pills of advil (500 mgs) and went to sleep. I don’t remember why I wanted to but it felt right at the time. Well I woke up the next morning still alive. I was sooo mad I wanted to scream! But I didn’t. Instead I just shrugged it off.

Now my second time trying to kill myself I was 13. I tried to […]

Every day it calls me, but I am too much of a scared coward to answer.  I know it’s calling but I refuse to pick up.  I’m
scared I tell you, like a beast shaking in fear looking bright-eyew into the moonlight.  Then I feel bad all the time afterwords for being so afraid to pick up.  I’m scared because I know that I’m going to answer my calling.  It’s not a matter of if it’s a matter of when.  No one hears me, no one listens, the economy stole their ears and minds, they’re so enraged they couldn’t stop to hear, to share, they […]

Thinking about my perfect heaven…

Poem themed around beginning thoughts of suicide. The little red wagon is. Actually a wagon. I was going through some really hard times and just wanted to be alone. So I went to my porch but some one had left a stupid wagon. I was so mad that it was ruining my peace that I flipped it over and broke it. I later felt is nessasary to apologize.

I am a heart with no beat,
That only yearns for life,
A mind always buried,
In just way too much strife,
I am a broken spirit,
Longing for revive,
Living life everyday,
Wondering how to survive,
I am a lost smile,
That never dares to show,
Because no one understands,
What I am going through,
I wish nor to be so broken,
I wish to be strong,
I pray that thigs won’t stay this way,
That they won’t be so wrong.

I actually am quite unsure about what to do. My life seems so normal on the surface, and I don’t have any mental problems (at least I think so.)

But I lost my dad two years ago, he killed himself with the exhaust fumes of his car, not telling anyone what he was going to do before. All he left was a note saying ‘I’m sorry.’ and his flat keys.
And ever since that, I haven’t been the same. Sure, I guess I can still talk to people normally and am fairly intelligent, but everything inside me just feels so numb. Most of the time I […]

ive always since i was little just seemed so out of touch with reality. its like i see things that people dont. like my eyes are really fucked up, it seems like everything is a matteress. my head always feels like its going to drop off. i feel like im in a lava lamp. its kinda fun on some days, like if im listening to the beatles or pink floyd and i feel sort of high, but it makes the low days even lower. the low days are hell. ive had my eyes checked a million and one times. i have to see a strange […]

Life for me sucks. And I feel like I can’t even complain because I am surrounded by amazing people, I go to a good school, I’m smart, I have every opportunity in the world if I choose to take it. But I can’t make anything out of my opportunities because so much of the time I am depressed and I just can’t talk to people or do things I like. I get to feeling so frustrated, because I love my friends, but I’m not available a lot of the time…oh, and I get down on myself, I feel like I’m worthless, I’m not getting anywhere–I go […]

I’m just fed up with life in general,  being a good person doesn’t get you anywhere, people don’t appreciate what you do, they don’t bother to see how you’re doing or how you feel. You constantly help others out, doing favors for them listening to their stories, going out of your way to help them, but you’ll get no reward for this instead you’ll just be pulled down further (not referring to the people on this site). You can’t stop being a good person because you’ll end up hating yourself because you’ll feel selfish, I’m always helping others in some way or another and it makes […]