I successfully cut myself yesterday. I took apart a razor and made 27 slashes across my stomach (nobodies seeing it anyway). I’ve already become a bit addicted to it. Today when I was feeling extra shitty, I started feeling jittery and scratching at my skin. It’s a wonderful release, though I still think I deserve so much worse.

Today is my birthday. I turn 15. No celebration. No cake. No compliments. Nothing. And its all intentional. I haven’t celebrated not one of my birthdays.  I don’t deserve a birthday, i guess. I couldn’t bring myself, even for one day, to celebrate, well, myself. I don’t deserve it. Oddly […]

I’m not even sure how to describe my feelings at the moment…
I feel like a complete failure, I’m feeling dejected and empty.
It seems that everything I attempt ends in failure or misery, due to lack of motivation
and just feeling completely worthless. I’m not even sure why I have suicidal thoughts once in a while.
I think I just like to entertain the thought in order to help me feel ‘comfortable’.
I don’t think I would ever act upon it because I’d be too afraid to carry it out and I would not like to burden
any of my immediate family. When I […]

Well cant say I had an easy life ,I was abused as a kid ,I suffer from bipolar every 4 years I go on a natural high ..when it happened 4 years ago I got better quick and my life went back to normal I always dreamed about going travelling to oz so me and my boyfriend went I loved it there i changed my career loved the weather and friends I didnt think Id crash again but I did ,I was on high had to go to a clinic I said hurtful stuff to my boyfriend and now I’m better but its all over with my […]

I’m so sick of having to be strong for everyone. No one seems to understand or care. What’s really wonderful about it is, I’m fine with it. Really. I’ll smile and hide the hurt in my eyes.  Whats new about it? Everytime I try, so very hard, to be who they want me to be. I’m sick of hoping, sick of waiting. I just want to end this. I know I cant. I must live for other people, if not myself. What I meant by being strong, is just letting everyone curse me browbeat me all they want, because I dont want to hurt them. All […]

im new here but my killing thoughts and death dreams been with me for a long time now! im a 12 years old girl that has many mood swings and problems but who doesnt!! ok my first reason why i wanna die, for years on end my friend has been getting bf’s 10 times a year! i know what your thinking you dont need love to be happy and why am i reading this and blah blah blah!!! if your reading this you gonna be crazy cause no one ever listens to me! you still reading?!? if you you want to then you better be […]

It doesn’t seem fair to divulge here when so many have it worse off. I keep telling myself that anyway, but at this point I don’t even know what my circumstances are, better or worse? I still feel but I feel so strongly it’s driven me past most coherency. My family is beautiful, oftentimes supportive, poor, and I never wanted to burden them. I haven’t, and I will continue to go out of my way not to. I am the first in my family to get into college. My boyfriend and I are in love, despite him being a year younger. Life was good, and […]

“They say hatred is an underestimated emotion…but so is love, and yet that gets tossed around carelessly…”

I’m not so sure how to describe it really…

Last night was one of those wierd nights when you just lay down and pass out… I dreamed of what my family was doing and stuff. Just everyday things like around the house. This was in the morning. But it was like from a video point of view I was looking through. The video went into the next room and automatically I was back to regular view. My eyes were closed so it was black with the sence of light from the morning sun through the window. [This is prety normal, right? I think maybe it is […]

i had an awful one, after falling out with my mother (see previous post “falling out”) i decided to take the sertraline. at first i just felt sick, i wanted to throw up, but everytime i tryiedto nothinghappened, i kept chokingand gagging. (sorry). then i started to lose my vision. it went all blury. so i started to walk around a little, just around the house. but my legs were shaking from my weight, i was all weak.

i didnt sleep much that night, i was ill and soo tired, but i was too nevous to sleep. i’m going camping with my friend next week and i’m […]

i would like you to read a story.

its about what i went through… to give you a bit of a back ground… i grew up with a mom and a dad who were alcoholics… they split when i was young, and i had to live with my alcoholic mother along with my sister… and future half brother. now my mom was not a happy drunk… lets say that, and eventually got into drugs as well… thats when i tried to escape… only to get stuck in another mess…

if you are reading this still… please read the whole story on my site. it is my hope […]

Im 15 and tomorrow i find out if im going to die… You see I have the big bad cancer bug, which everyone always treats you like its contagious for some reason. Im not suicidle anymore but instead am fighting for my life. I cant sleep because im anxious about the results, and im angry because you shouldnt be 15 and have to wait to see if your going to be alive next week….x[ Life is so cunfuziling. but like i always say what ever happens…..happens. i just wish i had someone to talk to…. i’ve been fighting for a year and finally i went […]

I’m sorry that so many people out there are suffering. I’m suffering very much and have started a humble blog about it. I hope it is helpful somehow. . . .

http://castingpearlsbeforeswine.blogspot.com/

I was wondering have you ever written in a journal everything that you are thinking to get it out to someone, feel better and then throw it away?  I was reading an article in the newspaper and it’s all about mental health in Canada and how the system sucks.  It had some people’s stories.  The more I read it the more I realized that post partum wasn’t the begining for me but a trigger.  Now I think about all the nights up in the middle of the night just writing and writing until I finally fell asleep and when I got up and read it […]

Stress! Sleeping pills, tranquillizers, Librium, and Valium won’t help.
Easily agitated. And the heart palpitated at times. Hands and feet would tremble at anger. What on earth brought my mate to treat me like this? Mazed. Amnesia. What was I doing? This is not the life I’d like to have.
My tongue even had ulcer, must have been bitten during meals when my mate nagging this and that.
And my period just ended. The lack of blood might be the reason I felt dizzy.
When hungry, the meals were hamburgers. Never will eat the tasteless vegetables, such puking vegetarian food.
The above apparently demonstrates the […]

Hi,

I’ve been doing a lot of reading to find some answers, some help. Most of what’s out there tells you basically, that if you really put what’s causing you so much pain into perspective you’d realize things aren’t really that bad.  That you need to see all the good things around you.  See life in it’s totality.  Or even that you have a brain malfunction.  I know those things are true for many, many people and can be of great help to them.

For me, none of this applies. I’m 45 years old.  I’ve had suicidal feelings for many of those years.  I clearly remember at […]

People that dont feel the way I do will never understand. My chest feels so heavy and it’s hard to breathe most of the time. There is a constant ache inside me. My husband is leaving me. I cannot imagine a life where he is not part of it. I keep waking up every day and it hits me so hard. I have to take tylenol pm at night to even fall asleep. I wish i could sleep all day and night. We have a daughter who is 14. I know I am hurting her but I dont know how to stop this. I am […]

Life Is A Prison by Puff Life is a prison, Oh God let me out. No one to listen, To hear when you shout. Climb the walls of insanity, Ride the waves of despair. If you fall it don’t matter, There’s no one to care. Used to wish for a window, To see birds, trees and sky, But you’re better without one – Stops you aiming too high. Watching freedom is painful, For those locked away. Seeing joy, love and happiness, Another price that you pay. Strong is good, weak is bad. Be it false, be it true. Your mind makes the choice, And enforces […]

(www.projectplaylist.com   type in Runs in the Family – Amanda Palmer  and enjoy)

First, let me introduce you to Reuben. The male role model. The alpha male. While he may seem like a badass on the outside , what with his socks and sandles and banjo playing, hes really a total and compleate IDIOT. He tries to be sweet, and would never hit his children, and tries to always do the right thing, but , unfortunatly, he doesnt really know what right is. Raised in an abusive home he thinks just because he doesnt hit us he is god. He thinks because he has a penis he […]

I wanted to stop hurting. Things werent getting better fast enough so i though they never would. So i pressed fast forward and sped things up a bit.

I was dying. and oooooh, it felt nice. I had just invented my very own coctail and oh it was to die for.
Heres the recipie in case you wanna try it;

*20 over the counter sleeping pills
*20 Vicodin
*20 Tylonal 3 (thats the good shit with codiene)
*and god knows how many ibprophen (i had a botttle of 500 but didnt take them all…)

*drink soda (it makes the pills less sticky) and enjoy!!

hello everyone, i felt i am not important in this world, i’m just like a stain in their life that need to remove. now i kill i want to kill myself, but part of me want to stay.