well, my life circumstances are really kicking me down. i gotta do something abt it. ppl don’t want me to drag them down with me.

update: life is a work in progress, imma bout to get started. would be super great if someone took an interest initially, but they will eventually!

I’m turning 36 tomorrow, but unless things go seriously awry I’m not going to have time or energy to write about it, not the next two days either

Supposedly the older you get the less thrilling birthdays are. I think that’s just for death denial people, those who haven’t accepted that they ARE going to die someday, and that someday gets closer every day. I’m tickled to be older, more excuses to complain about aches and pains and talk about how much better it was when I was young, even though it wasn’t.

It was great when I was a child, compared to now, but being a […]

Anyone else think the best way to commit suicide would be to just lie down on the train tracks and let a train hit you at full speed? I’ve thought about overdosing and also slitting my throat but I think there is a better chance I would end up in a wheelchair rather than actually being dead if I did one of those two things. I also think it would be easier on my family if I went out on the train tracks because they wouldn’t be the first ones to find me when I’m dead and it would most likely be the train driver […]

we do not need anyone else’s acceptance. we also do not need to tell everybody everything.

-_-

It is crazy going back and reading all my old posts. I have been on here for a LONG time. My early posts were from days of  loneliness, inexperience, sobriety, and innocence. You would imagine after so long one might have either finally healed and lived a better life or just plain blasted themselves. Nope, I “have reason to live,” or whatever. I guess I Don’t want to put my family through the trauma of my suicide so I choose to scarf down meds and alcohol. Fuck it right, that’s’ life. I think I am doing the work. Like I believe myself and everything; meds, […]

Just a dumb update. We had a lab meeting today. Of course I still felt like the dumbest one in the room. I could feel the judgement. The mixture of disgust, pity, and just pure contemptuous stares. Felt like I didn’t belong. I just don’t. That’s kind of it. I know I don’t. They know I don’t. Just tired pretending like I do. I guess one nice point is that my advisor that my ideas weren’t half bad when I brought them up in the smaller team meeting. That upped my confidence a […]

Wow, I was on reddit reading a post. OP was complaining how ppl were too hesitant to eat the dead until day7 in the Society of Snow. OP says he’d have started eating the dead by day2. DAY 2. Fucking insane. I mean, I totally understand having to resort to cannibalism for survival, but start eating them on day2? Ppl are fucking unreal. This is why I stay home and don’t want to be around people anymore- cuz ppl are fucking assholes/nuts!

1st off- the human body can survive ~30d without food. Only 3d without fresh water, but food the […]

Hey just wondering is there anyone here from Finland?

out of hope, tried too hard, barely holding on, again…………

I don’t want to die, I just want some hot water and to know I could keep eating…. . how gloriously niave I was that those meager boons were within reach

A large part of me wants to hang this useless corpse in front of one of the organizations that failed me…. but there are so many, and I only have the one useless corpse

or for something harder, heroine, fentanyl…… any narcotic capable of erasing the pain. I wish alcohol had ever done that for me…… lucky bastards who it does work for. I mean, they die […]

No no, you don’t understand, you wait a week for us to ship you out a part, YOU pay $159, and then you still don’t have hot water! It’s just that simple, in the middle of winter, our company who does nothing other than make water heaters can get your hot water service returned…..

EVENTUALLY

WITH INDEFINITE SERVICE CALLS

AND TWO HOURS ON HOLD A WEEK!

What a service! What a hot water heater!

Today I learned the German for it, just so I can broaden my horizons on this amazing journey that Rheem has decided to introduce to my life

“Scheisse Warmwasserbereiter”

Shit Hot Water Heater

Except in Germany there are actual […]

SAVE YOURSELF *****!!!!!
(this is addressed to me)

Yesterday I went to the barcade I frequent. First time since getting back from home. I’ve been there more than a dozen times. Some of the bartenders know exactly what to get when I walk up to get a drink. But for some reason I was nervous. I usually just go and drink and play and then leave. I brush my teeth and put on deodernt on the off chance I might actually meet someone there. I never do. This time though, I felt the need, for whatever reason, to really clean up. I shaved, took […]

The state I live in has decided that I’m able bodied and therefor not entitled to food. Yes, that is their position, I know they would present it that I’m “freeloading”…. but I’m just trying to keep eating, it’s a matter of survival

Now, how could I dispute that? Well the conditions are explicitly laid out;

IF I’m working more than 30 hours a week

[so it’s ON ME to make the job market bend to my will, to make employers respond. It’s work, or starve. I’ll be disputing the other conditions similarly]

IF I’m in school at least half time

[So the state compels me to engage in more […]

THIS is what happens to me. Beyond me, this shows how humanity really is.
THIS is why I have ZERO hope in humans and humanity.
THIS is why I believe this world is shitty, bc it’s full of shitty humans.
THIS is why one of the reasons why I am depressed, to live in a world where humans are so apathetic and uncaring.

And NO, you cannot convince me that the MAJORITY of ppl are “great” ppl. NO. The MAJORITY of ppl are just like what you see here. The MAJORITY of ppl SUCK.

And all these SAME people, think they are SO […]

Does anyone else have the urge to eat certain toxic foods in large amounts so people around you won’t be super traumatized assuming it can be fatal? Also, I don’t mean eating stuff like poison mushrooms or poison blowfish. I mean common enough foods that aren’t illegal or super exotic.

42 days before last July 4, I made up my mind.  It was dialed in.  Then someone who said they were my friend blew back into my life, only to ghost me in September, because I didn’t feel romantically for them, something we were clear on the year before, or so she said she was ok with.  Really pulled out the carpet from under me.  I had another “friend” who I caught deep feelings for, who ghosted me after telling her.  Same month.  Left my job the next month because it was killing my soul.  I have a dog I adopted a year and a […]

Denial is difficult to maintain. In order to function and remain alive, I must engage with reality to some extent. But then inevitably reminders of the truth leak in, And the truth feels unbearable. I don’t know how to live with the truth. I don’t want to live with the truth. I don’t want to live as the person who’s done the things I’ve done, or seen the things I’ve seen. I can’t stand it, seeing myself as that person. There’s no meaning in living in that reality. Maybe I’m too proud, or narcissistic, or conceited, or idealistic. Whatever the fuck it is, acknowledging that […]

Yeah, I know “life isn’t fair,” but WHY do some ppl have to suffer so damn much? Since literally birth. And then I see so many of my peers not having ever had to deal with ANY kind of adversity or pain in their lives. Many are undeserving shitfucks.

I don’t mind things being a LITTLE unfair. But fucking c’mon. Some of us had to struggle the moment we were conscious. While everyone else just had to focus on playdates, and toys, and etc. And surprise surprise, the ones with loving stable parents are well adjusted and […]

It’s a fucking awful combination. I swear someone fucking cursed me. I miss being able to have DEEP SLEEP, and wake up nice and refreshed. This is why I’m always cursing. I used to be bubbly and full of life- even when I was depressed about my life or myself, I still had ‘zest.’ But over the decades that zest has gone. It’s fucking gone now. And now I struggle to just get through each day… -_-

It’s 5AM and I still have not slept…