It’s been days since I joined the Suicide Project. During this time, I reconnected with my so-called friends, and we resolved our conflicts. We’re on good terms now.

However, my interactions with people around me continue to be problematic. I fear this might also happen with my friends. It’s frustrating to navigate friendships in college. I perceive many people as self-absorbed, hurtful, and selfish. They seem oblivious to how their actions affect others.

In my imagination, I envision them lined up, each with their hearts ripped out, similar to a scene from a movie. While I don’t actually want to harm them, I feel […]

I’m scared that it won’t ever go away – that I’ll feel like this until the end of time. It’s started wearing down what little of me there is left. Even on a good day it’s not far from my mind, and the good days are getting further and further apart.

I just feel alone. Completely and utterly. And I can’t even let anyone in, because they’d just leave. Or be dragged down with me, and that’s worse. I have to keep such a distance from everyone. Everything. So I’ve been alone. So… alone. I feel hopeless. And weak. Cowardly. I’m a failure for letting myself […]

I’m still so far from a life that would feel meaningful. Or even doing anything tangible to pursue such a life. Or even maintaining a stable enough mental/emotional state to be capable of planning anything tangible.

All I can bring myself to attempt right now is to reduce the frequency at which I self-destruct. To resist the urge to do something completely counterproductive, just to allow me to briefly feel something that isn’t this. For some kind of distraction from this gnawing banal emptiness where a life should be.

And I fear that may be the most I can ever manage – to slow the rate at […]

Isn’t it a complete waste of MILLIONS of lives to have so many ppl depressed/jaded about life/dejected about everything? Well except the government/corporations would like it that way- if ppl are depressed, we aren’t striking/rioting/organizing/demanding change. People who are inactive aren’t a threat to the powers that be. Medical Industrial Complex being one of them.

Anyhow, from an individual POV, depression is such a waste. How many of us would be so productive if we weren’t depressed? If we didn’t feel shit about the world or our lives?

I feel like I’m typing into the void- sure a few ppl are […]

I’m a bit angry about it, but I did it to stop burdening family.
All they see is a grown up unable to put down games to take care of life’s responsibilities.
So I told them I’ll just delete all of it. Partially wanted all the talk of being unable to last a day without playing games to stop, partially was tired of all the grief I’d been getting about those same things over and over again.
So it’s been done.

Dunno if I will regret this choice, but I lost my game files before and had to start over, so honestly it doesn’t […]

most of the time i hate myself too much to believe i can truly love back, but sometimes it feels nice to try

I was finally out of a depressive episode and am not actively looking to die, and now I feel myself spiraling down again. The past few days were so nice, and I was so happy, and motivated. I talked to people, went outside, kept on top of all my schoolwork, and made time my hobbies and even got to enjoy that time spent. It was just so much easier, and I had energy to actually do stuff. But now I feel myself getting dragged down into the depths again, and I’m just so scared. I’ve never been this scared before to sink back down into […]

School ended two weeks ago. Barely passed the one class I was in and didn’t hit my goals for my thesis. Fairly predictable outcome. I got to go home for a week which is nice. I always get short tempered when I’m around my family. I just got so used to being on my own that having to plan around other people gets annoying. I really shouldn’t be though. My parents were really happy to see me again. Been almost half a year since they did. Wish I wasn’t and can be happy around them, but […]

This penguin was a loner, didn’t “hang out” with the other Penguins, and kept walking toward the mountains where it would lead to certain death. Wish the guys had followed the Penguin to the end to see what it did, and why it wanted to walk towards the mountains.

okay. MAYBE I’m catastrophizing. I always feel the need to contextualize that I’m or at least I was a very sick puppy, which means my feelings and perspectives might just be wrong. Yeah. I’m sort of doing better.

Anyway, so me and the state I live in, SPECIFICALLY the people that run it and control it are at opposite ends. I’m a long haired commie liberal who doesn’t have a problem with brown people, and they hate everything about that. Am I being too harsh? Oh, more importantly, I’m pro labor, they are pro business. That gap is the one that we can’t get over.

I mean, […]

Independent Penguin buys his own fish

~30s

The Smartest Penguin in the World Goes Shopping for Fish!!

~8min

hi. i’m i_f33l_s0_l0st, but you can call me jinx if you like. or just j. i use they/them pronouns, i suppose. i’m afab non-binary and queer. i don’t really know why any of this matters, but it does, i guess.

here’s a fun little list of my mental issues in alphabetical order for your convenience:

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
autism spectrum disorder
body dysmorphia
depression
eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS)
gender dysphoria
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
intrusive thoughts
obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
self harm tendencies (SH)
social anxiety
suicidal ideation

wasn’t that so fun? just positively thrilling?

anyways feel free to vent in the comments i love hearing about other peoples’ trauma as opposed to mine (:

I’ve been thinking about the ways my addictive/compulsive behaviours increase my suffering, and some stuff from a video on addiction struck a chord with me. That one of the largest risk factors with addiction is a sense of meaningless in life, a lack of purpose. And I’ve felt that pretty much my entire adult life.

The idea is basically that you need something meaningful to help you deal with negative experiences, to make them seem tolerable. Otherwise you suffer far more than you would from just the experience alone, leaving you more likely to turn to addiction to “fill the gap”. An example of this for […]

Apparently not Americans lol

~1min

Canadians- yep
Germans- yep
Dutch- yep
Americans- NO, NEIN, NYET, HELL NO!

Do you think it would soften the blow leaving my mom all the money ive saved over the years, tens of thousands. After i do it i mean.
i cant wait til shes gone

I am a mess in my own head. A Judas in my mind, I suppose.

I loved wrestling as a kid, mainly WWE. Got into TNA (Imapct Wrestling) as a teen, and eventually wound up back into WWE. It’s how I made friends, it’s a big part of my life.

Now, as good as it’s been overall with AEW now being in the mix (even though AEW has fallen off a bit now in my opinion), I haven’t been watching it for 7 months now. I follow it to a degree, sure, and I’ll always have the memories of a lot of it, but I don’t really […]

How many of you feel trapped in your current life?

I should be a mom. They should be here. I would go through the pain I went through a million times over if it meant just one of them would be here with me today.

My babies,
I think about all four of you. I wonder what you would’ve been like. I wonder what you would look like. I miss you so much it almost feels like I held you in my arms. I’m so sorry my body wasn’t strong enough. I’m so incredibly sorry that I couldn’t carry you all the way. You were so, so very wanted. The […]

Sometimes I think that I’m better off by myself. I keep thinking about all the times I’ve tried and failed to just talk to people. The times I tried to join in on a conversation, but no one heard me (or maybe they were ignoring me…). I don’t feel like I have the ability to connect with people. I actually used to have friends, but neither of them talk to me anymore.

I do enjoy being by myself sometimes. And I guess there are some benefits to being by myself. I read an article the other day in my English class. It was about the benefits […]