How long have I wanted to leave this world? Ever since I was a child. But I am here. I don’t know why. Everything is hard, and everything is meaningless. What’s the point of getting back up again every time?

I’ve been constantly tired and in pain for the past two or three months. I know it’s not going to end soon. What can I even do about it?

Go to bed early, eat enough food, build relationships with other people… I try to make other people happy, but I’m not happy. I said that would be enough for me, but it’s […]

sometimes I’m going to look for something else, then I find stuff. Very few people in my real life would understand my connection to this song.

If it weren’t for my delusions I’d have nothing to believe. Damn you Haywood Banks, stop being so damn accurate about life

it’s only fair I share the song that convinced me that this guy is probably a pretty achievable goal for me to become

Damn I wish my hair would grey or go white, I’d look like a mash up between this guy and Leon Russell

Also feel it would only be fair to share what I was looking for, The Good […]

this is my baseline state. no one needs to interfere to regulate it. i’m disappointed. i’ve lost at my own game. i don’t accept it.
the one thing i do value to some extent is fairness. i don’t really dislike society at large, what i dislike is life. i dislike the fact that we are not born equal. i’ve been living my life ignoring my gifts because i don’t particularly like giving out the message that i have more than others, but i guess that is their burden to bear. people need to learn who they are and seek out their own advantage. it’s […]

I think if I could dissolve all the complex aspects of my life, of what I don’t get, of what I’m trying to, it’s this song. Roy Orbison was one of the most amazing human beings to walk this Earth. He endured so much tragedy, struggled so much, but by all reports was the sweetest person you could ever hope to meet. This was his last song, he died shortly after completing the music video.

and there’s just something in the quality of his voice. You know why it trembles like that? That vibratto is caused by his stage fright, yes even after decades performing he […]

Hi, back on the site, no plans to die but surely getting familiar feelings again. The more control I try to have the more…I don’t want to talk, there’s a sense that I’m back at the beginning of the loop. I’m a fucking nobody, I need to recognize that, no work or talent can transcend me into someone I’m not. I’ve tried to drop my past my memories but time hasn’t done it’s work I can’t live in depersonlization derealization. I’d rather feel alive and pathetically myself than to walk the earth a shell. No amount of explanation or excuses can make sense out of […]

Everything else in my life has fallen apart or is non-existent.

No love, No friendship, No Internal Peace, No External Peace,
Low in Health, Low in Money,
High in Pain, High in Depression.

Just wish I never fucking existed. FML. Just FML.

Hello again,
I feel so confused. My mind races constantly trying to figure where it ought to stop. The memories keep chasing me, I can’t stop to rest. If I do they’ll catch up to me. Lord please help me right now, cause without I just might fail.
My heart beats but not just for me
I need to keep trying cause if I don’t they’ll look back and know Ive failed
Even now I owe them the fortune of forgiveness
Don’t I?
I owe them my very begin because collective consciousness decided this is the life for me
I disgrace to everyone and I […]

“she finally got her happy ending

she is finally happy now

even though she is lying on the floor

without her heartbeat

there is some place, where she is happy now”

i wish i could finally get my happy ending like this.

i heard this dialogue in a movie that in Solomon Islands when the villagers wish to cut down a tree but it seems too big to be chopped off, they circle it and curse at it, and in a few days the tree whiters down and dies on its own.

i think parents don’t actually know that they are doing this, well at least mine don’t because they do it every day and tbh more like every hour. when I say it to their faces that I wish to do nothing else but die they start to fucking scream at me that I don’t know what […]

I don’t generally go in for making New Years resolutions, most of them sound kind of lame; lose weight, eat better, exercise…. January is a horrible time to do all of those, and if you need to do them you probably need to start as soon as you realize it.

But I got one this year, and it’s because I happen to be making changes at the same time as the new year rolls around. I’ve resolved to make more progress than I’ve made in the last few years to get out of this awful town. It’s different this time because I have a plan, a […]

It’s still 4 hours to midnight where I’m at. Last year, my resolution was to make a new friend. Great luck I’ve had with that (not). Maybe my resolution for 2024 should be to get more confidence, and either make a friend, or do what I should’ve done a long time ago. Or maybe 2024 will finally be “my year”…

Just like every New Month, New Week, & New Day

Mathematically speaking, there’s at least 50% chance that every bit of that Potential is positive

I say it’s more than worthwhile to give each & every one of those ‘bits’ a strong determined try

I do genuinely hope Everyone here survives the Fireworks! : )

I wish You all a Happy Delightful [& at the very very least, less painful] New Year

Warmest Wishes for a Happy 2024 to Each & Every One of You here

& to the whole Earth <3

One of these days I’m going to eat the slug. I was always a miserable self-destructive pos. Tried to get my life together and got fucked up badly with injuries and illness. Now im in chronic pain. Fortunately i got about what i deserve so im not crying about that. Just dont want to go through life being useless anymore. My body is wrecked. My mind is rotted. No point in living if you cant contribute or bring value to others. People around me say im one of the most negative people they know; and admittedly i dont like anybody. I Dont like my family. […]

I feel like dying. I wonder if it’s more serious this time.

Where have I been the last couple of days, you (do not) ask? 

This is not a threat, this is a statement. I have been successfully pushed over the brink/the edge. 

At the same time, I’m fucking insane. My suicide is an attempt to make others feel pain. I have been wronged, but I could have read the room and set realistic expectations for myself/I could have never developed the expectations I had in the first place/I could have done my level best to adapt to my environment.

My suicide is essentially me telling life it doesn’t deserve me. I said something similar a while ago, that “this […]

I think the biggest struggle for me is getting myself to do anything beyond the bare minimum. All the tiny little things that might make my life a bit less shitty. I do so few of them. Because why push myself to improve things a small amount, if they’re still going to suck?

Ever since I broke my sense of meaning by deviating so far from morality, I’ve been in this perpetual state of lethargy. 16 years now. Pretty much my entire adulthood. I wake up, and try to force myself out of bed. Remind myself of all the things I should be doing, why I’m […]

hate, hate, hate…hate, hate, hate…
double hate
loathe entirely!

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Fs5hZIQ6RQc
~10s

I was in the store in pursuance of wood varnish spray. Unfortunately I couldn’t find it so I engaged the female clerk who looked foreign, ” Hi, Im looking for the wood varnish spray” I said. ” What spray?” Said the foreign clerk. One has to stick to his own kind, ppl outside of the Anglosphere tend to be different, when English is not the first language communication problems tend to ensue. ” the wood varnish spray” I said. ” I don’t know wood varnish spray” she said. A girl in her 20’s a fellow shopper got involved, “What was that? The wood varnish spray? […]

I may have found another path that I can do without the danger of relocating, but I have to wonder if I’m being brave or stupid.

The whole finding the job in my dream location has gotten me back on the social work path. There frankly aren’t a lot of options for someone with a psychology degree who doesn’t want to live in the city. Not that the city is working so well either, but cities in general are getting expensive. It’s why this move is the smart financial decision, that is the move out of state and outside of major metro areas. The social work […]

Why “life is so wonderful”?
Wonderful for WHO?

Just bc YOU have a great life doesn’t mean life is great or wonderful for someone else.

People just can’t see anything beyond themselves.
Selfish idiots.

(btw, this is post is about OTHER ppl constantly telling me how “life is so wonderful” whenever I tell them how depressed I am or how hard my life is. they always exclaim how wonderful life is, and I’m like, yeah, for who, YOU?)