I am the cause of my own pointless suffering. It’s being generated within me. So I feel a sense of responsibility to try and reduce it. Because I’m the only one that can. Not that others can’t ever provide assistance. But they can’t fix me. They can’t save me. They can’t change me. I’m on my own, and it’s probably always going to be that way.

The problem is that I don’t feel like I have to capacity to effectively help myself. I feel exhausted and full of despair most of the time. Often it’s like I’m barely in control of myself. I wasted half an […]

i dont think im strong enough to continue living. im so, so weak. and tired. i dont want to hurt anyone… but i can barely take it anymore

Speaking to people, for me, is like trying to walk through a field of eggshells. I have to be so careful about what words I use because there are certain words that my mouth won’t let me speak. I have to plan every word I say just to avoid going into a stuttering “attack”.

I chronically stumble, stutter, and have difficulty saying my words. It’s hard for my own family to understand what I’m saying because I can’t enunciate my words. In school, I will go without help just so that I don’t have to experience the embarrassment of trying to talk.

It feels like I have […]

I’ve been doing a lot of study on the last time things changed in my country, turned around, and why. So let me take you back a hundred years

Everyone was bad at fighting World War 1. England was bad at it, so was France and even Germany. There are myread reasons behind this, mostly that European armies had more experience in the last century fighting colonial wars, that is wars to prop up their various colonies. Most of the wars of the previous century were fought at sea, but this resulted in everyone overprepping naval assets and neglecting troops and land logistics. So the first […]

Right, I get that life is general is pointless, all of us are on a one way trip to the grave and whatnot, general existential BS….. and that’s a great defense, not even going to fight that part

but being a disinterested zen master is still beyond me. I’m working on it….. today in therapy I reached a lot deeper than I thought I would, ever. I talked about how angry and cheated I feel…… and it really comes back to the pointlessness of effort

because my therapist asked if I would go back to work, and I responded; that isn’t up to me. If someone could […]

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I feel so socially behind compared to my peers. Today, I overheard a girl talking about how she almost got caught having sex with her boyfriend. I heard another group of kids talking about a party they went to over Thanksgiving break. I’ve never done anything close to either.

I’ve never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl. I haven’t even held hands with another girl in a romantic way. The only parties I’ve been to have been birthday parties, either mine or a relative’s.

I feel like I’m wasting my youth. I know that high school isn’t the end of the world, but I do wish […]

i dont feel sick anymore. mentally ill, i mean. i feel like im healing, and it makes me feel…weird. like, what am i supposed to do if im not being crushed by my mental illness? im so used to reliving the same day by day that honestly when i start doing well like i am right now, it really feels off. like im not supposed to be feeling well.

idk.

This society is so brainwashed and ignorant. They tell men that expressing emotions is feminine. Another problem is telling men ”what a real man is”. Men are not robots. We are human beings that deserve to be loved.

I never had a good childhood. I forgot many of my memories a long time ago. I’ve  been suicidal for a long time but I can easily hide it. No individual will expect me to do it. Honestly. I never wanted to die. I just don’t to want live a horrible  life. 

My mom died of cancer(when I was 10) so her friend adopted […]

So, my GF is in rehab for alcohol, she’s doing well, but I miss the hell out of her. I’m not okay mentally but physically I’m holding myself together so she doesn’t get concerned. I’m doing my best not to say things like, “I miss you” because I’d don’t want her to leave there before she’s ready for me, and she’s the kind of person that would. I did say it once and I started crying. I’m trying to be supportive but I can’t even begin on the whole story of how hypocritical I feel.
 

I’m scared that when she gets out she will […]

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Those poor fish. Literally damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I feel like this. Screwed no matter what, unless you’re the lucky few % that happen to make it through. And I’m certainly NOT one of the lucky few… -_-

This post is about soda- yes, the soda you buy at stores.

So I was at the store yesterday, and I never buy soda (haven’t bought ACTUAL soda in YEARS) but they had a sale on soda- and I bought the 0 sugar 0 caffeine Ginger Ale. It’s pretty much the only mainstream soda I would buy as soda is obviously bad for you. But even 0 sugar 0 caffeine 0 HFCS is still bad and addictive.

IDK what’s in this bottle that’s addictive bc it’s usually the sugar, caffeine and HFCS, but it’s still addictive bc I drank like half the 2L […]

It’s Thanksgiving today. My folks and brother came up to see me. Got here on Monday. I’m happy to see them, but I kind of forgot what it was like to be around people. Especially since I have a set routine and way of doing things here. It also doesn’t help that they are practically geriatric. Getting anywhere or telling them something requires a lot of patience which I’ve never really had. I know I should, but I don’t. It gets to a point where I get annoyed trying to get lunch. I don’t want to be […]

When it comes to what one “should” do, it seems to me there are different standards. There’s the pure, selfless, self-sacrificing standard, where you do what’s best for the group, regardless of the cost to yourself. We encourage people who follow that kind of standard by labelling them heroes (or saints), and remembering their deeds even after their death.

As appealing as that kind of validation is, I don’t aspire to that standard. Probably because I’m far too morally tainted to ever be regarded as “pure” or “virtuous”, no matter what I do. But when I am minded to consider the wellbeing of others, I generally […]

sigh…

I hate humans, but as a human, we need human contact/socialization/acceptance/understanding/love. All of those things. Yet it is difficult to come by these days. UGH.

I never needed anyone before. I was fine on my own and being alone. But now that I have all my emotions back, I feel fucking lonely without true friends and a SO. How do I go back to being fine being by myself??

Fucking emotions. I don’t want them. At least not all of them. Life would be easier and simpler if I just felt LESS and cared LESS.

I’m on the same sites- YouTube, FB, SP, etc.
Any websites out there you use that makes you feel better?

1- Who else has no family (or shitty family) and no SO? Anyone else who will be alone? Or am I alone in being alone? -_-

2- Thanksgiving as taught to us in America was that the Pilgrims and Native Americans sat down and had a lovely meal together. HA! One of the biggest lie there is. Meanwhile, the Brits/Pilgrims slaughtered the Natives- men, women, children. The ones that survived were given Smallpox Blankets so the disease would spread and kill them off- which it did. 90% of Native Americans died from Smallpox, Measles and Flu (or they would […]

I think if I could find one of their pieces, I’d shoot myself with it.

I’m fucking tired of everything. Literally nothing I do is right in anyone’s eyes. I’m constantly walking on eggshells around everybody because they get angry at me.

I can’t even do right by my mom, apparently, even though I have given her a little over 2,000 fucking dollars despite being a unemployed loser ass. Recently I’ve had to help make sure she doesn’t kill herself because her mental health isn’t good. She told me she’s tried to off herself multiple times because she “missed us so much” and other things. And she […]

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