to structure and personalization. taking medication for personality disorder. studying personality psychology and seeing how convoluted it all is. feeling abnormal/not in touch with reality, maybe it has to do with academia. questioning personal agency, not understanding how the world actually works, as in, not being around relatable people. i see a bunch of smart highly literate people online but underestimate people in real life due to their lack of heavy speech, causing a rift in reality processing.

i need a job where i feel competent and inoculated from the outside world. i don’t seek freedom, i seek consistency. 

i need to stop being so addicted and […]

It feels like people have become some sort of zombies or robots

I try for the serenity prayer thing, to take it a day at a time, but really it’s more a week at a time. Because monday through friday, I’m either waiting on applications to come back, or putting them out. and in that regard, it’s been a crap week. Neither of the “warm” leads from last week turned into anything, yet at the very least. I went ahead and shot out a few more apps. Next week I’ve got a job fair midweek, not sure if that’s anything to get excited about, but there it is.

but being unemployed, waiting on applications, fridays suck the worst, […]

-_-

I’ve come to the realization that no amount of therapy will cure me, no medication will save me, no religion will enlighten me. Nothing on Earth or space above will grant me peace of mind. The only way I’ll get peace is through the end I so desperately wish for. Now that I’ve thought about it, I’ve never wanted to be alive. That having to eat, drink, sleep, poo is my Hell. I know I can use hedonism as a distraction but I realized that’s how my life has always been. Now, I don’t understand why I would be vilified for wanting to escape a […]

I saw this post in another group I’m in. This sums up me exactly. I’m sure some of this applies to some of you as well.

I agree with everything until the sappy feel-good you are worthy bit in the end. I mean, yeah, we have to believe we are worthy to not be depressed, but I hate all those places that make you repeat “you are loved, you are worthy, you are special, blah blah.”

Aside from that last sappy section, the rest of the speech is pretty right on- for me.

—–
“The inability to receive support from others is […]

I spend so much of my time trying to escape from my reality. Especially at night. All I want is for the awareness to go away. The awareness that my life is meaningless, that I will live and die alone. I often take sleeping pills. They work, but they leave me feeling worse the next day, drained of energy and barely able to get out of bed. And my dreams while on them tend to be pretty weird – lots of anxiety. But the alternative is spending hours sitting with my awareness, too tired to divert my mind or focus on anything else. Hour after […]

day 1057 of asking myself who’s sentient and who’s not. why are some driven more by their emotions and why are some of us only mildly inconvenienced by them? what’s that trait called, if it’s a trait at all. in other words, i’m asking for someone to tell me the answer.

is anyone doing their holy duty? all i see are vices. i see people everywhere who are trying, but where are the saints? i know they exist. they don’t live around me. i only hear about them. i’m borderline one but i guess that would mean i am one of the triers. a very good […]

The older I get, the more superstitious I realize I am. I buck it, destiny, fate, magical thinking and whatnot. But it’s still there, hiding in the shadows of my mind. I keep wondering if I have bad karma. What’s more superstitious than that?!

my therapist is moving on, in six weeks. This is…….. god do you know I’ve lost count of the amount of therapists I’ve been through? Dozens at least. Two to five a year since 2010, so that averages 3.5, so that’s 49. That’s a guess, or numerology take your pick. And I’ve been varying amounts of upset about each one. I’m kind […]

Things like THIS is why I no longer believe in humans or humanity. I mean, also based on my WHOLE life of being screwed. I used to be super sweet and nice, and genuinely would do anything to help ppl, and did, but no more. Not when you just get shit thrown in your face. Thank goodness I was never THIS nice. I would NEVER donate one of my kidneys. Oh hell no.

No good deed goes unpunished…
Woman fired after donating kidney to boss

Another one…
Woman Donated Kidney to Boyfriend — Then He […]

How do we get out of our shitty life when we no longer have any hope left? No longer have any fight left in us? No more “oompf” left?

To get out of our life, we must have hope. Without hope, without believing that rainbow exists and that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we cannot proceed. Sure, we can only force ourselves to do so much. But that’s like dragging our feet at every single step. This doesn’t work but get us a few feet. REAL change involves having ZEST for life, feeling […]

I really would like to know the source of my current apathy. Is it my pain at having my hopes dashed? Is it the new drug? Is it the lessening of the old drugs? Is it the lack of anything worth engaging with?

I went into this business thinking if I understood others I might understand myself, and I was wrong.

Anyway so I thought I’d try to finish my serial killer book. Got frustrated pretty quickly. The issue is unreliable narrator. Almost immediately after giving the reader a bit of “evidence” the book discounts it, makes it nonsense. The killer is manipulating the investigators, nothings is […]

I keep thinking about my dad killing my mom. I’m the only one he really talks to and every time I talk to him, he’s always going on about how I’m the only one that cares about him and how my mom only wants his money. Or some other grievance he has with her. He’s never been violent to me, but he’s also mentally unstable and refuses to take his medication. My parents live in two different states but I still worry because he has the means to get here if he wanted to. He’s also a retired veteran and has guns. I don’t think […]

Bye bye hope

bye bye satisfaction

hello inaction

I wish that I could cry

bye bye hope

bye bye upward climb

welcome back mediocre time

I wish that I could die

goodbye my hope goodbye

I was going to try and explain it, but damn it’s short enough I can just quote it here. It doesn’t include any personal details

”

Good morning,

We value your interest in the Victim Advocate position at [Redacted] with the Police Department. Following a thorough review of numerous qualified applicants, the panel has selected the top five candidates for further interviews. Unfortunately, we must inform you that you will not proceed to the final round […]

deadlines are coming and going and the help i’m set to get still feels so far away.

i can only feel negative thoughts recently, ive been numbing my brain with social media, games, alcohol, and such.

i feel incapable of literally anything productive. i havent left my room today, hardly even left the bed. not unordinary.

havent shaved, brushed teeth, showered, did laundry, or did any of the work ive needed to do for a while now.

disgusting. my soap is out, havent even bought more. isnt that fucking gross?
everything is slippping away i want to die so bad its what any train of thought leads to now.

i […]

Got through more than a 1/3 of Jameson but less than a half. Comfortably numb. Still haven’t talked to my friends. Don’t really plan to anytime soon. Just feel no reason to talk to them. Did 2 interviews for an internship for amazon. I think it went well. Got nothing to complain about. Except the sprain. Other than that, I’m all good. Still think about her. Wish I didn’t. Wonder when it will stop. Flipped to see if i should call her. Landed on heads of al things. Doesn’t mean […]

There’s a kind of mental suffering that’s hard to put your finger on or express, but I guess I’m trying to process that. I’d say one aspect comes from the awareness that you’re not a good person. Not just in terms of your actions, but also your emotions. Your desires. What you want from the world is not good. And you can’t just stop desiring something. That’s not how that works. So you continue to feel the desire, while simultaneously being aware that it’s wrong. And I think as a result you become alienated from yourself on a fundamental level, which is deeply painful. You […]

There’s always a very short window of opportunity in every facet of life which closes very rapidly, and once closed, is closed forever. When it comes to recovery, shall we say recovery from suicidal thoughts, that wndow of opportunity has closed permanently should you find yourself still suicidal after 21. I recall as younger man being able to feel the window of opportunity close in respect of trying to score weed with the lads. If you like weed you don’t just like it, you fucking love it passionately, like the passionate love between Heathcliff and Cathy in Emily Bronte’s celebrated novel.

I recall vividly standing under […]

seriously, out of nowhere, I get this invite to a webinar, and usually webinars are crap, I have an ongoing invite to one about grad school, ha ha.

but it’s from the state, for a job, and dang it, it’s a job I’d be good at. It’s tomorrow.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Maybe they just sent it out to everyone who filled out an application in the last year. Not too special then, am I? The other end though, maybe I was picked. Either way, we’ll see how bad they want to fill the role.

Seriously tight turnaround though. I can’t imagine that […]

I swear, I was almost to the point that I could portray myself as emotionally well balanced. After all, I’m well liked, and I like myself. Really my one fault is my career, and I’m working on that.

This is going to be a story of effective therapy, because what therapy does better than anything else is hold up a mirror to parts of the self that are laying low from your own awareness.

What’s weird is that I don’t know how we got there. She was talking about how I’m a very emotionally reserved person, and I reflected that yes, I am. So she inquired as […]