I will never get to know her again. I won’t get to laugh and joke with her. I won’t get to go out with her. I will never see her smile at me. I will never get to hug her again. It makes me wish I was dead.

Life has been so painful recently, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this terrible in my life. I can’t stop thinking about her, and that makes everything feel even worse. I wish I had her to comfort me when I feel like this.

I can’t believe it’s been two years since I’ve talked to her in […]

Not really a whole lot to say, not much has changed in my head for awhile now. I’m so tired all the time, but I can’t even sleep and it’s kinda fucking me over. I got to go out of the house today with my mom, shopping and to get some food, and I think it was a good thing for me – at least it got me showered and what not. Plus I got to hang with mom for a bit, which I always enjoy doing. It was very dreary today. I’m trying to eat as little as possible. Not 100% sure why, but […]

Not much apparently.

-I am semi-disabled. I cannot work. Those 2 alone make me worthless according to society.
-I am poor. The poor are considered a pox on society. They’d throw us in a gas chamber if they could.
-I am middle aged. Soon to be “old.” Old ppl are worthless in the Western society.
-I don’t have any marketable skills aside from being an academic. Which is also worthless in today’s society. I am very intelligent and knowledgeable in so many areas- math, sciences, finance, economics, etc- but do not specialize in anything- so not worth much […]

????? ???? ????? ???????? ??????

????????? ?? ????????? ? ??????????

??? ??????????? ????? ?????????? ???? ???????? ?????? ??? ??????? ? ????????, ????????? ?????????? ? ?????, ?? ???? ??? ???????????? ? ???????????? ????????? ?? ?????????? ??????????, ????? ??? ?????????. ??????, ?????? ???????????? ????????? ?????????????? ???? ????????, ????????? ?? ? ???????? ??????????? ??????.

?????????? ????????? ???????? ????????? ?? ????????? ? ??????????. ???? ?? ??? – ??????????? ?????? ?????? ??? ??????? ????? ????????? ????? ? ??????????? ?????????. ????????, ?????????? ??????? ????? ????????? ??????? ? ????? ????????? ??? ?????? ??????? ?? ?????? ????????, ?? ??? ???????? ???????????? ??????????????.

?????, ????? ??????? ???????????? ?????????? ??? ?????? ? ?????????? ? ??? ??????? ?????????. […]

It’s not that I want to stop existing. It’s that I want to stop existing like this. Full of regret, sadness, longing, loneliness. And I can’t see any plausible ways to make that happen. If I put in enough effort and time, then maybe I could earn myself a little relief. But a lot of the time, the thought of just ceasing to be seems preferable.

I don’t view death as a liberation, or an escape. More just a dissolution of what I am now back into the rest of the world. I don’t know what it’s like to be bacteria, or a worm, or a […]

Has to be right, one has to get out while the going is good. Any job, relationship, habit, mode of behaviour etc, there comes a time when to continue is absolute folly. Any suicide of someone quite young is quite tragic but after the age of 21 perhaps it was for the best of the individual in question.

I’ve gotten to the stage where even feeling pleasure has become difficult. Obviously the raison d’etre of life on this planet is cross pollination, to plant your seed in fertile soil, when even that no longer does it for you pun or no pun intended you’re fucked. Just […]

So i don’t post much on here. I usually read people’s post on here and see if i can relate on here. I know we’re all hurting inside and we all have our own problems. I figured I’d share something to see what others think about the subject I’m about to talk about

So i knee surgery today. Didn’t seem they found much bad in my knee, but only clean up the inside of it. To keep the story short, i just wanted to say this. When they put me to sleep, i felt i was at peace. No pain, no sorrow, no depression, slno sadness, […]

https://myfox8.com/news/north-carolina/nc-man-wins-1000-a-day-for-life-after-buying-2-ticket/

Wouldn’t it be nice to win $1000/day for LIFE? Ok, so the man chose lump sum, and apparently “life” means 15.75 years for this dude.

He had the option of getting 365,000/yr every year or lump sum of 5,750,000 (which would equal to 15.75 years). “Life” equates to 20 years in the lotto world so idk why he’s only getting 15.75 years. Post-tax lump sum is 4.08M.

Well whatever the math is, I would LOVE to get 1000/d every day for 15 or 20 fucking years. How good would that be? Imagine how much easier you could BREATHE if you […]

I really am mindless at this point. I can’t do this anymore.

How are people able to do this? Go to school, maybe go to college or a trade school or the military, find a job, work and make money and save money, maybe find love, raise some kids, retire in their 50s and coast off of that until they pass on and give to the next generation?

Ever since I came on here, all those years ago, when I screwed up initially in college, and tried to rebound and make the best of what I had, it’s just gone downhill. There was some good in between, […]

Finally. I did it. I finally did it. I finally ripped the band-aid off. I deleted her contact info and threw away that stupid stuffed bear. It took me being very drunk and a coin flip to do it, but I finally did it. I called her earlier. Straight to voice mail. She blocked me of course. But now I can finally move on. It hurt. It really did. Bitter sweet as hell, but I did it. When I sober up there’s nothing I can do about it. I memorized her […]

No activity at all for 2.5d

Where y’all at peeps?

The title of this song says it all about my life… -_-

I need to be better with my actual family though, who I have such a hard time talking to, because of my own thoughts and actions. I get annoyed at them unnecessarily a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve black sheeped myself on purpose after things started going downhill in my life.

They care and try to help me in multiple ways and all I do is disappoint them it seems.

Younger family I don’t keep up with, older family who try to help me but here I am, broke and jobless. A husk of what I used to be before […]

Hi, hello, greetings!

Is that the right way to start this kind of thing? I don’t know. Really, I don’t care either. I don’t care about a lot of things I probably should.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been suicidal since I was ten, so about a quarter of a century. Yeah, I’m old, deal with it. I had to.

I’ve tried so many times, but it’s never worked out; I keep waking up in ICU with a cable shoved down my throat and a bunch of needles in my arm. I feel like I’m cursed to keep failing, cursed to keep walking this shitty […]

long time, long time since I posted twice in a day. Back to back even longer.

but it was burning me up, wanting to know if anyone else who is suicidal watches entertainments with suicide as a subject?

I’m rewatching Haunting of Hill House, great show, makes me cry like a baby every time. Don’t know if I noticed before, how central suicide is to the whole thing.

I guess I find this one particularly interesting because it looks more at what comes after. Plenty of movies at least cover leading up, I know what it looks like personally and movies sometimes miss that.

This damn show though, it […]

It’s a rainy day over here, good time for reflection, and what I’m currently reflecting on are the parts of my life that work. Specifically my social relationships, they don’t just work, they endure even the chaos I’ve created in my life. But the question is “why?”

I don’t have an innate talent, to refute that initial possibility. I was bad at social relationships as a kid. Jesus, my first marriage ended in divorce, the first “friendship” after that saw my bedrooms gutted, and I set myself on fire in one ill advised incident.

but it was that reckoning that made me change my approach, and that […]

 Don’t know what I expected. Couldn’t badge in.  It’s funny, I’m pissed off at myself. Also, I’m glad I don’t have to go back to that place again.  I’ll have to see if they call me tomorrow.  I’m imploding in real time too, so that’s fun.  I’ll have to see if I get a call from them or not.  Otherwise, it’s whatever.

Now I just need a different job at this point, even though I’m driving myself mad with job applications. 

Maybe I’ll stop posting now. I think I’ve officially slid back down to bottom, again.

im stuck. that’s what i am. people in this world are moving forward, doing something in their lives whether it makes them happy or not at least they have something to do. i on the other hand don’t. i don’t even have anything that brings me joy ffs. the things that I do are because everyone else is doing them. i study because everyone does, I make friends and try to talk to people because everybody does and I live because everybody does. but never once have I felt like I’m moving forward. i constantly feel like I’m in the same place I was before […]

I’m completely burned out on my current job, and it’s my only way to make any money. I’m just going to do just enough to cover rent for now.

The US job market is a mess rn. Unless you have a specification you’ve worked on through whatever means, you’re basically fucked.

You can’t try to do anything entry level because they’re paying way below the average wages (I’m seeing it for tech jobs, but I’m sure it’s like this everywhere because inflation and saving money and all that). It’s driving me mad, I can’t even walk into the place without feeling like shit just being there. The […]

The only things I feel strongly about are either impossible, or so loaded with negative consequences that it would be wrong to attempt them. There’s nothing else in life I really want, or care about. Nothing feels that meaningful.

I do the bare minimum that I feel is necessary to survive, because I’m scared of the finality of dying. Otherwise… nothing. I try to escape into fantasies or the stories of those who have more of a reason to live than I do.

Forcing myself to work feels like pulling teeth. It’s dull, but the pay’s fine, and I can work from home. It would be OK, […]