I don’t wanna live or die.

I’ve been depressed for about 6 years.  I’ve been thinking pretty much these thoughts throughout the entirety of that time period- the thoughts becoming more complex and clear or unclear as time passed.  I’m 18 now.  It has been especially bad this year getting ready for college.  The thoughts of moving out and beginning the rest of my life are eating away at me.  I never really thought I would get this far but I did.  The fact that I’ve only been here 18 years is killing me.  I’ve only been here 18 years.   How can I possibly put up with 70 more years of this?  50 if I’m lucky.

Jesus, I don’t know.  Do you?

I have no ambitions and there isn’t really anything I want.  I hate the shit you have to do- go to school, get a job, ect…-in order to have whatever it is I’m supposed to want.  I don’t want to get married or have kids or have a house. Definitely no kids.  I don’t see how anyone could force someone into life and all of the dreadful decisions and thoughts that come along with it.

I feel that The only reason I’m going to school and still working for my future is because I can’t mooch off my parents my whole life.  If it wasn’t for my family and my fear of whatever happens  after death  I would be dead.  I don’t really believe in heaven or hell or god, but I believe in the possibility of them.  I believe in the possibility of anything really. I guess I don’t just hate life, I hate my existence.

I would never do anything to hurt my family, so even if I knew for a fact that death was a good way out, I would stay alive for my family.  I say I love them but I don’t really feel anything for them or any of my friends for that matter.  Apart from my brother at least.  Maybe I do love them.  I do enjoy them and have fun with them -family, not friends-  but if they all told me they hated me or kicked me out or something I wouldn’t feel hurt. Well, I’d be upset about losing my brother.  I don’t know why, but I never feel close to anyone.  I never feel like I truly care for anyone and I hate it.  I want to love people and to be loved but I never care or feel like I do.

I never feel sad or happy.  I just dread everything.  I could probably count the things I like on my fingers, and even those things aren’t worth existing for.  If  I could choose to erase my existence- everything, my past, present, future, any memories of me, any god’s knowledge of me- I would probably do it.  Assuming it didn’t hurt my family of course.