Its been a while since I have smiled and actually meant it. It had been so long since I smiled, it hurt to smile for at least 10 seconds. Now my face hurts. It feels great to smile, but now it hurts. I’ve missed smiling, and laughing. It felt like I was actually alive for once. Why don’t I smile anymore, oh right, because there is nothing worth a smile for. But today it happened. But by tomorrow it’s back to how it was before.
Or the Universe, or God, whatever, I don’t know. But now that I confessed a little something to my mother, I want to share it with someone else: I think my father’s death was my fault.
I’ve been wanting to die since I was 15 (that’s almost 11 years now), and two years ago, my dad died of Cancer. Tho I prayed everyday that the bloody cancer would left his body and came into mine instead, of course it didn’t happen. And I think, I honestly believe, that that was the Universe telling me “suck it” for wanting to die for so many years and still never doing anything about it.
I feel so guilty. My family fell apart with my dad’s death, and I, personally, got so much worse. Everything would be so much better if my dad were still alive, and I, dead. But even now killing myself is not worth it. My mom couldn’t take it, not without my dad, and that also makes me feel so ashamed, because I’m so ANGRY that my dad died and so I /have/ to keep on living.
My mother said that she could have never made it without me, that she can live without my dad but no without me, but I know it’s a lie, I know how things are and I know how they would be if I had had cancer, but I still felt better after I told her this.
Now I want to talk with my sisters. I want to tell them I’m sorry our dad is dead and I’m alive. Let’s see if I do it.
How would you mourn me? (A candle, a lantern, a flower, ect.?)
What memory would you keep of me?
What would you do to keep me “alive” even after death?
Would you miss me?
Would it hurt?
Would you give up because I gave up?
I am tired of asking for help. The only way I can get these thoughts of despair is to keep myself busy… I cant live with these thoughts… struggling to stay alive… the struggle to find a future… the struggle to find love… Im struggling to stay alive… I guess I should say I am not asking anymore, I am taking matters into my own hands… finding my own solution.
I have forgiven Chanelle… how could anyone love an ugly fool like me… sunday will come soon enough and thats when my depression ends. I got paid today and I guess that will help my parents deal with all of this.
So I currently sit in hospital… I was successful but unfortunately I was revived… I was happy I was there I had eternal bliss but no I was revived unfortunately people “apparently” wanted me alive… I just want to be happy is that to much to ask for?
Please give me a reason to live. Tell me why it is so important for me to stay alive. Whats the point? Every single second is soaked in sadness, every weekend is a war. I am going crazy. Whats the point!!!
i wonder why the drug company’s stopped making sleeping pills and other pills as lethal as they used to be ? I think a lot of us wouldn’t be here today it’s like the government want to keep us alive for what reason ? I think we should have a choice to go into a forever sleep if our pain and suffering is for more then a few years and we are really unhappy with life that’s my opinion
As the brown haired girl with black eyes walked into the house the father sat there staring at her. She asked why and he said he had to deal with people like her at work and then had to come home and deal with her. Her eyes got even more dark as her emotion saddened. She asked him if her being alive inconvenienced him and you know what he said? He said yes. She knew that she shouldn’t be here anymore so she processed to leave but didn’t make it. Not just yet.
I really don’t know how I used to purge it’s so fucking hard now mayb because I’m getting older or weaker ? I have lost the will to live so I guess the will power has gone to so unless a miracle happens or I get it right next time I’m going to be fat and depressed no i won’t let that happen il kill myself before that happens hope I get the strength to get it right because watching my weight gain slowly is like a slow suicide in its self And people say things get better being alive is a living hell !!!
I’m going through some of my old things from childhood, as part of a clearout, and I’m finding it hard to get rid of them. They’re my link to a time when I wasn’t like this. When I felt really alive, as opposed to just living.
I’m not sure what exactly it is. I suppose they remind me of when I was last happy. When the world seemed both fascinating and simple, rather than threatening and complex. Every tiny thing felt meaningful, as opposed to now, when everything I do is kind of empty. My life felt worthwhile. The world was a good place to be, even if I was being bullied, or was upset about something. I still had hope, and self-belief. I still felt part of the world, even though I was a quiet, anxious, introverted kid. I may not have believed in God, but I believed that the world, and people, were fundamentally good. I believed that I was fundamentally good.
And it’s hard to let go of my memories of that person. Because there’s no going back. I can’t forget the things I’ve seen, and done, and thought since. But I can’t help wanting to feel that way again. To feel really alive.
Night guys! Thank you all for being supportive of me. I am tired as fuck I’ve had a long day after all the events I’ve done…
Remember always embrace your inner weirdo (the weirdo inside will love you for it)
Be who you are don’t be anyone else you’ll feel much better as a person for it.
All of your support has kept me alive today which I thank you for you guys to me a superheroes to me so go on and save some more peoples lives <— hopefully that all sense
See you guys tomorrow!
Is there a reason why nights are so much harder? I was fine all day, but now I’m having back to back anxiety attacks. My chest is aching and I can’t stop sobbing. My thoughts are eating me alive.
What’s the point of living, what makes us feel alive? I’m thinking/planning my escape route i’m sick of living. I don’t want to be alive anymore theres no point especially when your parent threatens to kill you themselves because you weren’t able to do the job yourself. 🙁 as i’m typing this i’m in the supermarket and chasing cars by snow patrol is playing.
I’m waiting until morning to blow a gasket. Because once everyone leaves, hes going right to bed and will get pissed off at me for talking about it. I’m so frustrated. I’m not ok tonight. So much anger, so many thoughts. It’s going to eat me alive, and fast.
I’m beyond proud of you for still being alive.
You’re strong, beautiful/handsome and worth the stars and more.
Never think of yourself any less than amazing.
Whether it’s a good day or bad day, remember there can always be a better tomorrow.
Keep hope. Be inspirational. Change a person’s world. Be proud. Speak loud. Never let anyone bring you down.
Love with a passion. Chase your dreams. Smile. Laugh. Simply, believe.
Stay alive, friend.
Why measure life on the amount of years? It’s really what you do in those years that matters.
I mean. . .
What’s the point in living a hundred years if you didn’t do anything that actually made you feel alive?
I know that I haven’t been around for awhile…… I’m still alive 🙁 and no I’m not implying that I have attempted to change that…… Meh school things have been fairly stressful, and in addition to getting “help” most of my free time has been spent in bed. I’ve sort of been hanging out with people recently, I think I can call them friends, not certain though. Failing school and stuffs as always, my professors hate me because I am a failure who doesn’t take the classes that they teach seriously and I am simply wasting their time. My “friends” have also all mostly started dating people, so they will of course be gradually spending less time around me. 🙁 They will probably grow to hate me too, since they will probably be able to pick up on the jealousy (jealousy is the best fitting word here, but isn’t perfect) that I hold towards them…… It’s not like I have a romantic interest in them or the people they are dating or anything, nor do I have a romantic interest in anybody (never really have either) But I do sort of really want to date somebody, anybody really…… It seems nice to have somebody to be that close to. I guess I am mostly just jealous of their ability of developing interest in people and having a sex drive and all those normal things that they have that enables them to be able to date. :/ I wish I had those things. Meh oh well, I doubt that will ever be a thing I experience, friendship is surprising enough for me to have experienced. My birthday is soon too, this won’t really be an easy birthday either. This is the birthday that when I was very young that I had promised myself that I would kill myself on…… I made that promise to myself over 10 years ago, I don’t know why I chose this one, but it seemed like the right one. I really don’t know if I am ready to die yet though, I want to stay alive as this isn’t really a great time for my father right now…… But how will breaking a promise that I have always been intending to keep feel? I cut myself again tonight, my counselor is going to be mad at me about that 🙁 He probably hates me too…… I want to stop it, I want to stop hating myself too….. I just want to be like most other people……
Sorry for sounding like a whiny little *****, I just needed to tell somebody these things.
I’m alive. Doing better than a few months ago: I don’t make plans for suicide on a daily basis anymore. Sometimes I feel okay, sometimes I don’t. But I guess it all comes down to the “but at least I’m still breathing,” right? Oh well. Just thought I should let you guys know (though perhaps most of you don’t even know me) since I haven’t published a new post in months.
Lesson of the day: nothing happened, things just got better. This could happen to you too (that’s a good thing), remember that.
Also, how’s Trix doing? Is she still around? Thanks, fellow SP bloggers.
Have a nice day