It all started at a young age… my mother was in an abusive relationship, and I felt helpless because I was too little to stick up for her. I started hating myself, I blamed myself for her abuse. Eventually I began hating her, I despise her, but I still wish I could’ve done something! This is where the self hatred began. I then moved in with my father and have been living with him for around 4 years now. In the past 4 years I have severely struggled in school. I had always been a straight A student, but now I find myself struggling to […]
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Protected: Untitled (I had at least 100 ideas, but couldn’t choose one)
by Tristeza
written by Tristeza
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
i fucking hate people its no fucking use no matter what i do people always think its the worst thing i cant explane it because no one wants to believe me or they all think im fucking crazy. i have no choice ether people are going to kill me or i just have to take my own life that’s it. my mom told me i can be happy i just have to choose it but i don’t have a choice people are always going to think what they are going to think and i cant change there minds because everyone hates me. no one cares about […]
Damn, I have gotten fired up these past few weeks. A strange zest for life cloaks me. I’ve been feeling so empowered to turn my life around. However, in the back of my mind I am always calculating my next existential crisis. I feel like my depression and anxiety might be hiding around the corner waiting to beat me down to a vegetative state. I don’t want that shit to happen man. I hate crying myself to sleep. And occasionaly I picture myself in a funeral suit, it makes me cringe. I hate these thoughts because they push me to the edge of insanity.
i always have this feeling .. i’m always scared of something i don’t know what it is but i’m scared :(….
Im a little nervous bout tomorrow night. I dont have anything planned but it always seems in my luck for things to start turning topsy turvy whenever i let the roll of the dice take the wheel. Ive been spending the week with a really close friend of mine i known since highschool. Hes been under a lot of stress with his mom going through chemo even had an infection scare and i drove her an hour back towards LA to the nearest hospital.
Shes doing much better btw and weve been having a good time in each other’s company but it feels bittersweet knowing […]
I really do wish that I’d never been born. It hasn’t been worth it. My life is like a super depressing foreign film that has no happy ending. Everyone I’m related to has a go nowhere life. I don’t know why they bother breeding they just add more pointless miserable people to the world. Genetically inferior stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to breed. I can’t believe anyone ever agreed to breed with my biological father, he’s hideous. I hate resembling him in any way. I hate being half Mexican, the men are always so ugly and short. My white relatives are all white trash. I […]
Lately, I’m always in tears when I’m alone. I’m stressed and always nervous. I’m only 13 years old, turning 14 next week. My dad gambles and hides his money and refuses to get a better job. He tells my mom to get one. My mom is always cleaning and cooking and her left hand is barely moveable now. My brother has a job, but he doesn’t work hard anymore. His dream is to be a personal trainer. But I wonder if he’s given up that dream. He’s always gaming and talking to his new girlfriend who’s all the way in LA. He should be able […]
Why can’t I find someone who actually loves me for me? Why do they always expect me to change?
The day I attempted, I knew exactly what I wanted. I didn’t care who was hurt and who would be a complete mess if I actually did die. I wanted out. For weeks before I was under so much stress from my mother. Everything was always my fault. Everything. The night before I attempted, I stayed out til 4 am with my boyfriend having one of the best nights in my life. When I finally came home, with 1% on my phone battery, I was locked out. She locked me outside in the downpour thunderstorm, frozen cold.
I managed to get my phone one long enough to […]
Since I was 6 years old I wanted to be like everyone else, I was always very shy, hated hanging out with guys cause they were mean to me, only girls were nice to me at the time. I felt inferior to everyone around me, I am very sensitive to everything and it just annoyed people because of it. My grades always sucked at school, I was stupid and sometimes just tried to annoy people cause people hated me anyways. I always felt like I am ugly, and hate mirrors or any reflection of any kind cause I can’t look at myself. Around 5th grade […]
This is going to sound insane, like I’ve lost my mind, or like I’m a real idiot or someone who hasn’t been honest here, but I have been.
So I found a place to live for the next 7 months, provided my work keeps up and I can pay for it. I don’t have a bed though, so I’m on the couch. I’d like to be able to have a bed in my own room though.
Anyway, I’ve been through some real hell with the guy I like blowing up at me when I try to talk about how I feel, which is that the terminology he […]
I have to go to work in a couple of hours. I hate going there. I have to deal with constant sexual harassment from my boss. I’m quitting in a few weeks since he treats me like shit as well, he makes me do stuff that he can do, while he sits there watching dramas on his phone. I’m tired of being mistreated for 9 months and having to deal with the harassment without being able to tell anyone.
This morning my mom was awake early and noticed that I hadn’t taken my medicine at the time I’m supposed to so, she made me take it. […]
I feel like I’m withering away.
Rotting from the inside out.
My body breaking down and I’m going into shock.
I can’t feel anything anymore.
There is no life left in me.
Not sure why my heart is still beating and my eyes still seeing, my fingers still touching, and my mind just wandering.
Around in circle until I can’t remember who I am.
I’ve forgotten.
Or had I ever really known?
It takes courage to take your own life.
To let yourself drift into nothingness.
Into the unknown.
To leave your family, your home, this life.
But this home is no longer a home.
It […]
I don’t really know what to say or do anymore as I have given up on life and I am ready to die. Not to mention I believe in nothing so I don’t really care where I will go or what I will end up going through. I don’t think i have ever had a real friend in this life of mine or someone who actually cares about me. I have been used and hated along with being shit talked throughout my high school years and I have not seen a change yet as I am now in the 12th grade. Why should I bother […]
as you all know, I attempted suicide Friday night and had to be taken by ambulance and then to the psyche ward. While I still believe that the mentally ill should choose only if they go to treatment, I think that many would opt out once they got finished. I was one of them. After 6 days of treatment, I would have refused euthanasia. I loved the group and they loved me. I never in my life got so much positive feedback from people who was suffering just like me.
there is a problem. I’m still an alcoholic. I drank today. I called my dad and […]
It’s hard to stay alive when you have nothing to live for. When the person you loved the most left and now you have no one by your side. You want to have a chance but you’re scared it won’t work. You’re scared to let go and that’s when you start to build walls around you; to protect yourself from others. You can never be the same again and it’s hard. Hard knowing that the person you were back then won’t come back.
Am I okay? I don’t know. I feel lost and alone. I have people who love me but they could never understand what […]
10 months ago my girlfriend of 9 years left me. We kept in contact the entire time. There was hope. Sometimes a lot of it… Sometimes little… But the hope to get back together was always there. As of yesterday though, that hope is gone. She’s far away… with someone else… and wont be coming back now. She was my first and i was hers… I was 25 and she was 18. Aside from some problems here and there, i thought it would last forever.
I was never interested in a relationship until i met her. Never looked for one. Never slept around. I had a […]
Oh come on, you can tell me, I’m this random person on the internet who you’ll never meet right? Wrong. For all we know we’re bumping into each other regularly but we don’t know, why? Because this thing inside us all doesn’t have a face besides ours. We give it life, a body, and a soul to torture. I know I do. I’ve met people out there who I’d love to have a deep conversation with but the thing is that isn’t an option for a great majority of us. Most of us go floating through our lives until we bump into another, like abandoned […]
So lets see if I can explain this i have attempted suicide so many times its become like an addiction. But ive always been saved cause ive always gotten afraid and get help after ive done something. I don’t want to live but im afraid to die.i can go half way through with suicide and take the pills i can stand on the bridge but i cant jump and i cant not call for help cause im afraid.
But lately the urge is there again and i have to do it failed attempt or not cause it’s like cutting if you don’t do it the […]