….would be better if I wasn’t alive. I know suicide has been called selfish. I know that I think of it usually weekly for over 20years. Some weeks or months are worse than others. There have only been a couple months that I felt well enough that suicide didn’t cross my mind.
I am not a perfect mother, nor wife. I try but I am not a great cook or Suzy homemaker. I work full time and school full time and so the home suffers. I wish I could do it all. My mind and body are worn out. I have thought of the ways […]
okay so I’m a 15 year old girl( I turn 16, in just over a week) and instead of being absolutely over whelmed with excitement for my birthday, which’ll be spent with friends and false happiness. But nonetheless right now all I’m filled with is a numbness and thoughts that are bad and time consuming.
Its not a new feeling to me considering I’ve been feeling suicidal since I was 10 ( which was the first time I tried to suffocate myself ), the feelings have never really abandoned me, and i always feel like I’m stuck with them. It didn’t help that earlier this year, […]
I’m brand new. Found this sight on accident. I almost started crying when I found this sight because I was is happy. I don’t expect much of anytning but let me introduce myself here. I’m Anya. I’m in highschool. Nearly done. And I’ve clinically died because I swallowed too many pills. I’m in therapy. I self harm. And I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety. depression. And bipolar type 2. I really hope to gain some love here.
So that’s me. I’ll always try to help. I’ll always care.
That’s me
Yanno. Any other broken girl
I have a lot of things that run through my mind. Things I can not explain. My dreams haunt me. My goals are just false hopes. My life is a mess. I hate my life even though, I know others have it worse. This makes me feel guilty. The guilt I have always lived with. The hate as well. I find no point in life. I want to die. I say I’m not scared but I’m scared shitless. I don’t want to go but I do. I’m scared cause after death there is nothing. […]
” I’m sorry i cheated on you and used you” “it’s okay”
” I’m sorry that i verbally abused you” “it’s okay”
” I’m sorry i physically abused you” […]
Ever notice how everything is temporary.? Love, LIFE, happines etc… But depression, depression is forever it seems like. I wish it was temporary. I wish it was as easy to end depression as it is to end happiness. Depression will always be with me, and it sucks to know that. Because I am alone, even with so many people around I am alone. So I ask myself since everything is temporary what’s wrong with ending it early.? Then what would they all do.? Bury me and griev temporarily.. but my soul is will feel nothing, and I’d much rather feel numb, feel nothing at all […]
I figured since this is where we met that it’s only fitting that I write you something beautiful here. Everything comes full circle and I pray that as I let you go – you will come back to me at the right time. I do love you but you are in love with someone else. You say you still love me but your heart is in his hands right now. I hold onto you in an unhealthy way right now. I hold onto parts of my past for comfort and security instead of setting my sights on the limitless possibilities ahead of me. My […]
Positive thinking / radical self love
I saw this linked on facebook yesterday and agree with it 100%. Even my friend that I’m in love with, who has a real bad deal in life, believes this think positive crap. I’ve always said I’m living proof you can work as hard as possible, give all of yourself, put out 1000% and still not get shit in return. Seriously, go read the article because I can’t put it any better.
I’ve always wanted to submerge myself into something that would help numb these feelings,
I’ve always wanted to experience that complete lostness you see in someone deep into their work,
I’ve always envied that.
I’ve tried to lose myself in alcohol,
but these feelings make is seem as if I’m drinking poison.
I’ve tried to lose myself in drugs,
but these feelings make the strongest “uppers” into downers.
I knew these weren’t positive things to lose myself in,
but I didn’t care,
I was so desperate.
I’ve always wanted to be a great writer,
I wanted to paint beautiful scenes with my words,
but creativity […]
Never used a website like this before but I feel like it’s the only way I can express myself without people worrying and thinking I’m crazy. I just feel so hopeless and worthless all the time. My bestfriend committed suicide in September 2009 at age 13 and in December 2014 my friend from school also committed suicide at age 15. I have attempted suicide twice, both by overdosing but failed both times. There was a time I loaded a gun and put it to my head but I couldn’t pull the trigger. I’m only 17 years old but I really just don’t feel like I […]
I guess it all started when I was sixteen; funny thinking how long ago it seems even though I’m only 20 now, Or maybe before. I was never happy as a kid, dad never around, mom always at work, an abusive grandfather. It was when I was sixteen that I decided to do something about it. I ran away. I ran away from Arizona and took the greyhound to long beach. I don’t know what my actual plan was once I got there but regardless everything went wrong. I ended up having to get surgery to save my life and spent almost the whole month […]
I have been depressed since I was very young. I’ve had bad and better periods, but it has always been there. I have accepted for awhile now that I will commit suicide at some point. The only thing that has ever held me back is the few people in my life who I care about, who care about me. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and that the longer I wait the more it will hurt others when I do it. I try pushing them away, but they see what I’m doing and try to comfort me by saying they care. They don’t realize […]
I hate when he doesn’t talk to me and I feel like it’s because he can’t stand me loving him. I know I’m too hideous to love but I can’t stand being shut out. I might as well confess somthing since it will never happen anyway, because I’ll kill myself at some point this year. But I used to, since the age of 5, occasionally make plans for building a robot, because I knew even that young, that that would be the only way I’d ever have a male companion. The first Terminator movie didn’t come out until I was about 7. Over the years, […]
I think this has to be one of my favourite quotes (not of my own creation, but well-liked all the same).
Rather than believing in the typical meaning behind this quote that just because you grow older and ‘wiser’, it does not mean that you will also mature in body, mind and soul; I personally interpretated this quote, due to my own experiences etc., as saying that sometimes no matter how hard you try for a period of time – whether it’s a few days or a few years -, your mind will never change. I suppose this could be passed as ignorance but that is […]
I’m new here..
I need to spill how i feel: alone. I recently graduated from uni and moved back to LA with my parents. Ive realized that i have no friends. And the few people i believed were my friends dont seem to want to see me. 6 months ago my bf of 6 years broke up with me. Its been so hard to deal with. I guess its better since i was always dragging him down with my sadness. My eating disorder (bulimia) is worse than ever. Ive been this way 7 years. I have been trying to get treatment but the treatment centers are […]
Day after day things are getting worse. I am exhausted, sick of tiring and always getting worse, sick of screwing everything with my best friend, sick of arguing with my family, sick of my mood swings, sick of me, literary. I started to cut myself, not making blood, but day after day I put more pressure on the blade. I already tried to kill myself before but I had not the courage to finish it. My best friend is starting to get affect by my depression and this story. I am going to be alone all the next week, so the question is: should I […]
I am almost to the point of throwing my sister through a window. As I mentioned in my last post her seizure medicine gives her mood swings. Even worse, she watches children’s shows on Nick Jr. and YouTube all the time. Whenever she watches them on TV, she always has a reason to yell and scream. If a commercial comes on that she doesn’t like, she tells everyone she will not scream. She does it anyway. I’ve always thought my sister is autistic and I don’t know for sure, but my mom keeps denying that. If she is not autistic, then what is she? Seriously, […]
Why does my mother care about my brother so much more than me even though he does literally nothing. He got kicked out of college, hasn’t been able to find a job, is planning to get married to a girl just as hopeless as him, and always asks for money. On the other hand, I have been living my entire life trying to prove that I am good enough for her.
Why – even with my 4.5 GPA and a stack of certificates as tall as me, and a room full of first place trophies – I am still not good enough for her to recognise […]
I’m taking a step forward.
The past few years have been rough on me. I’m nineteen, I go to college like any normal student, I have friends, I have a family. Every single person in my life are important to me, and I know they care about me even if they don’t usually show it.
Though I’m so tired of what they’ve been hiding. I’ve been a good friend, I know I have. I don’t talk about anyone behind their backs and people learn to trust me. I joke around, I make my friends laugh, I make them smile, and I’m serious when I need […]
Growing up in a traditional Asian household, life was very different from what I had read in American novels. With a strict Taiwanese father who graduated from Harvard, was the minister for Sino-America relations, and a Marine for 15 years, expectations were always set high. And my mother on the other hand, looked at me as no more than a show pony that she could steal accomplishments from. From an early age, achievement was measured in medals, and love in trophies. Whether or not I would get beaten depended on how fast my times in the latest swim meets were, how I placed in the latest […]