Sleeping is awesome.Waking up and realizing how much does this world suck is what I don’t like.If death is like eternal sleep then I have nothing to fear but I still am very scared.Fear of death is probably the only reason why I didn’t kill myself.
Tag:
am
Yes I am a cutter it’s how I deal with certain major problems a few months ago my life was going great now it’s taken a turn for the wiser my emotions are like a land mine and it dosent take much to trigger them if you don’t know me by now I’m Jason or Day whichever you want to call me is fine. I have been suicidal at a very young age and it’s only gotten worse I have drank so many chemicals in attempts to a true release but all have failed I always end up throwing the chemicals back up i am […]
Well today was a terrible day. Started off good enough, I felt real for the first time in a while although I’m still hearing what people say repeating in my head, idk what that is, but anyway, I told a joke in school, a joke I won’t talk about but I’ll just say it got taken out of context, and of course the dean of students or whatever the hell you call him and now I’m going to have to deal with this shit. Of course it’s on the fist day I feel real and am starting to wish to continue on this happens. Fuck […]
i feel a crying jag coming on for no particular reason. just really sad today. i am pretty sure i took my meds this morning though my memory sucks when i am in this state. i wonder what it would be like to not take meds. just be me au naturale. i suppose i would just fall further into the abyss. though at this time i question whether there is much more to fall into. my suicidal thoughts are all encompassing. i see my death in everyday things. falling down the stairs, crossing the street, cutting up vegetables, burning myself on the stove. when i […]
So hi, I’m 13. I know that probably sounds young but whatever. Â I’m depressed, I self harm, and am bulimic. I’m attempted to kill myself many times- always getting interrupted my psycho parents who are abusive. I only have one real friend and he is my boyfriend. I love him so much but I feel like he likes other girls… he’s depressed and self harms also. he helps me live. he gives me the courage to keep going. without him I would be gone. I just feel like he likes other girls now… and when I was going to commit a while ago all he […]
There is this internal conflict that keeps occurring more and more frequently. My feelings are trying to resurface and my numbness is trying to fight it away. I have the strangest dreams but they reflect those feelings I won’t allow myself to feel when I’m awake. When I’m dreaming I do feel them even if it’s just a pinch, but I feel it. And I wake up with the Reminence of those feelings and I don’t know what to do. These feelings for the most part have to do with one person in particular and I wish I could talk to this person but I […]
I expected too much, didn’t i? i made my destination too high and then expected myself to reach there too quickly. i despised myself for every shortcoming i encountered. am i not like that youth in thus spoke zarathustra? i often skip steps, and for that no step forgive me. the more my hopes go higher, the more my passions go downward. what do i seek in the heights? i tried to give a word for my seeking, and since i had heard that ‘nirvana’ is the highest achievable thing , i gave it to my seeking. but the truth is that seeking in me […]
This might be a trigger to some, so beware
Honestly every time I cut it just gets everywhere. all over my arms, my hands, on the paper I use to smear crude words with the red stuff. it sticks to everything too. yet I can’t seem to bleed enough. I want to bleed more. but every time I cut deep enough to keep a decent flow it hurts like f***….but I still do it. I don’t do it for the pain either.
I think I just associate blood with death…like cutting and bleeding is as close as I’m going to get to death since I really […]
It’s not sadness I feel. I don’t even feel anger, nor do I feel numb. I feel empty. I am devoid of a soul.
The Jews say a soul is what makes us special. It is what separates us from the lifeless tools we use. I feel like God forgot to put my soul in me when he made me, leaving me a tool to be used. I feel like the Golem when he no longer had a purpose.
I don’t often think about myself in the terms of Jewish faith. My father is Jewish, not I. It’s the only way I can describe it though. […]
did everyone have a good saturday?  well here is the state of my world. i received an invitation to go out hang with my friends whom i haven’t seen in a while. the invite panicked me. none of these people know my current state of mind. and i have no inclination to fill them in. so i am at home alone, which is how i prefer to be these days. what does that say when contact from friends i have had for years makes me panic and cry? probably not a good thing . i prefer to be alone and not have to talk to […]
Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Â Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh fennec foxes. Oh shit. Oh shit. Â Oh shit I fucked up so much and am just worsening what’s already bad. Â Oh shit.
I’m a twenty two year old girl, no I am not a lesbian, nor am I bi-sexual. I am however trapped in the closet. My plastic bag over the head method failed me for the last time. I couldn’t control my body from ripping out of the handcuffs and ripping the bag off of my face. Sheer willpower wasn’t cutting it.
So, I’m trapped in the closet. Its a tiny closet that I’ve locked myself inside and am hoping to pass away in. If I’m lucky I won’t be awakened to my sad life in the morning. If I’m lucky this small, tight limited oxygenated […]
i am truly sorry if my last post offended you.i never meant to offend you.well its been two or three weeks since i tried and commit suicide. i feel so stupid because i tried because of just some fvcking stupid shit that i did and because she wants to be really mean and say everything ismy fault when it never was. now i understand what parents mea by if she loves or cares about you she wouldn’t want to hurt you.
I have a dilemma. A dilemma that makes me doubt my reasons for wanting to die sometimes.
1) I feel a certain fear towards actually going through with it. Which makes me feel like a coward. Does it make me one?
2) Some would say I (we) am a coward for thinking about suicide, for not standing up to life and it’s challenges.
Am I? Are we? Which one is it?
Feeling lost,
PURPLEPAIN
i just realized that i stayed up the whole night drinking and doing nothing. its 7 AM. and i’m quite drunk. is this bad? I’m usually pretty good about my alcohol consumption.
Hi. Â This is probably going to be weird. I’m actually in 6th grade right now and I found this website. It matches me. Because this is the only website that I could write my thoughts about.
••
It’s 3:07 am and I can’t sleep. I just can’t. I’m so tired and I want to rest. So I have a friend that always judge everything. I mean sometimes I ask myself why am I friends with this person? I mean she punched me on my stomach which really hurts for me because she doesn’t know anything about me except for the things […]
people ask me why i spend my time on the internet
they think that it is quite useless
but to me it is not
because here i feel loved and i feel like i am worth it
out there in the scary real world people hate you
they will find anything to bring you down
but here people love you and care for you
out there its a battlefield with everyone turned on you
shooting you with insults making you bruise so easily
here people heal these things and make them go away
why do i spend my time here
because its better in here […]
I myself am not well but I am with someone who is bipolar and I guess I thought against all odds, we would make it. Things used to be worst. I was there though, I held her fucking hand the entire time although I was scared of her. She is a bit more stable now, but I don’t know. I guess I need to hear it from other people, who don’t know her, to tell me I shouldn’t be doing this with her. Her manic phases make me want to commit suicide because of how she makes me feel. I don’t want to sound […]
just a note to tell you what a joke tms is. all i have to do is get 3 clinics and my insurer to talk to each other! piece of cake right? my money is on the insurance denial. especially when i found the price tag. 6-12 grand! i would tell you this in person but i haven’t done my homework. not willing to go into that kind of debt just to “fix” my brain. as of this time i am still worth more dead than alive. not that anyone is keeping score.
seems like the only thing left for me is tms. anybody out there have this treatment? doing a little research i found the likely cost is between 6k-12k. depending on how many sessions is necessary. my insurance company has to decide whether it will pay. lots of hoops to jump through. my bet is that they won’t pay. the shrink gave me a referral. he seemed rather crabby yesterday. chastise me for not doing my “homework”. i left the office in tears for some reason. my first thought was to go make a “purchase”. the thought is still there. hell it is a lot cheaper […]