people ask me why i spend my time on the internet
they think that it is quite useless
but to me it is not
because here i feel loved and i feel like i am worth it
out there in the scary real world people hate you
they will find anything to bring you down
but here people love you and care for you
out there its a battlefield with everyone turned on you
shooting you with insults making you bruise so easily
here people heal these things and make them go away
why do i spend my time here
because its better in here […]
Tag:
and i
Okay so it’s late here and I’m wide awake, lying in bed and i’m unable to fall asleep.
I was doing okay today and then suddenly, at about midnight, it hit me again. The sadness and emptiness and pain, everything just hit me again. How my brother is not here, in his room above me. And it’s still so unreal, still, after a year and a half. I still sometimes wonder if this isn’t just some nightmare. Because how can it be gone? How can a life that has been built up over almost 16 years be gone in 1 second? I just can’t wrap my […]
I’m so alone. i never want to be around anybody. i literally want to shoot myself in the face right now, because Im already fucked up and i might as well end it all. i dont want to be alive and literally no one loves me. and i dont love myself. or anyone else except my dad. but seriously, ready to end it all man.
seems like the only thing left for me is tms. anybody out there have this treatment? doing a little research i found the likely cost is between 6k-12k. depending on how many sessions is necessary. my insurance company has to decide whether it will pay. lots of hoops to jump through. my bet is that they won’t pay. the shrink gave me a referral. he seemed rather crabby yesterday. chastise me for not doing my “homework”. i left the office in tears for some reason. my first thought was to go make a “purchase”. the thought is still there. hell it is a lot cheaper […]
wow, i just stumbled upon this site… amazing… i’ve struggled with suicide since i was a child. i’m 23 now. and i’ve been planning to finally succeed this weekend. just getting things in order, getting my paycheck on friday so i can buy what i need. i thought i was a freak of nature, a psycho, and now i know i’m not alone…
i feel so awful for the pain i know i will cause my family and loved ones, but i literally cannot bear this anymore. i live in torment, i have no reason to be unhappy, my life has not been unpleasant and i […]
i’ve been suicidal for a long time now, and i was gonna kill myself. before i could, my uncle unknowingly stopped me by giving me a dog. at first i was gonna tell him no i couldn’t take care of her. before i could tell him no he told me about her. her name is tricksy she is a little rat terrier mix. she is a rescue i took her from a couple that kept her in a cage for the first year of her life. they beat, neglected and yield at her for nothing. they never took her out of her cage, not even […]
Last night, i worked 12 hour so i’ll be making $82 from that. sounds like a lot right, not really. Tomorrow i got to work again from 2pm to 8pm thankfully and i’ll probably be working by myself. Â there is this woman at my work, and she’s a supervisor, manager or something but basically she’s my boss and she’s definitely bossy but it’s sexy, you know? is it just me or does anyone else find bossy women sexy? she was giving me attitude and kind of pissed me off but i was turned on then she was talking to someone and stuck her ass out […]
i havent been on this website for months. 9 to be exact. i remembereed my login, and read through all my old posts and realise i am feeling absolutely no different than i did before.
i may even feel worse.
this is so horrible and there is no one around me to listen to me . they are all getting on with their happy lives and i feel like my feet are glued stuck.
there is no one for me to go and there is no way of expressing myself that is satisfying. not even cutting can make me feel better anymore.
Lately i have been listening to some songs about suicide and i just cant help it anymore.They seem to call my name.I have been down lately and i honestly don’t know why.No-one is picking on me like usually.It was a everyday thing now its just a every other day thing.But i just feel like i don’t belong.I Fell such sadness.The song i listen to now makes me want to cry.But i love it.It talks about how a girl hangs herself.She pretended to be happy.Her mom and dad come home.Her mom finds her,screams,and faints.Then her little sister comes in.Crying she hugs her dad tight.No-one ever even […]
whenever i  get into really deep thoughts i always end up laughing. laughing at the absurdity of it all, laughing at the absurdity of my efforts, laughing at the absurdity of my suffering. i suffer because i am human, because i have to survive. had this survival thing not there i would laugh my way in and out of this world. all my reasoning regarding my suffering ends (i.e. starts) with this survival thing. my whole evolution is based on this thing. all my hate, all my animal instincts are based on this single thing. i think if we could somehow get over this one […]
i’m probably the worst student ever. this year was going to be my first year in high school, and i was really excited about it. i thought i was going to get straight A’s and make my parents proud. last year, i got good grades, a 3.6 GPA. but i didn’t like it, still. even with a B, for some reason i wanted to go higher. but it’s two days away from the third quarter, and i have three F’s and five missing assignments. this has been happening ever since school started. i hate myself so much because whenever i come home i just go […]
i’m feeling very unstable today. I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like anxiety i guess, but without the active intensity part. I don’t feel “nervous” or “frightened” or anything like that… just very lethargic and scattered… like oppressively lethargic, to the point where i’d struggle to do anything physical at all. I should cut the grass, but i feel so… “weak and powerless,” and completely disinclined, like i just don’t give a shit. I’ll probably go do it right after this, and it’ll probably suck as much as i remember… but that’s not what’s stopping me. I don’t mind doing it, but […]
I know that it feels like a good way out of the bullshit that life throws at you. but its the cowards way out. suicide has never helped anyone. and i know you dont want the world to see you but you are a beautiful person and you cant see it. you just cant see that there is a place beyond the bullshit. there is a place just on the brink of perfection and you will get there one day. the world is going to change whether its for better or for worse there will always be that happy place but killing yourself will only […]
all i want to do now is hurt myself more
or maybe just kill myself now
because i have done it and its bad
i dont know anything anymore
i dont know how to feel anymore
but at the same time i feel this great pain
and i dont know how to make it go away
i just want it to all stop but it cant
so maybe i will just hurt myself more
ill just keep making myself bleed
until one day i take it too far and bleed to my death
then maybe the pain will go away
who knows.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Linkin-Park-Iridescent.mp3So im just writing what has happened in my life so far.
Im Samantha Lee Castellano. I am currently 16. This is the real me here and now. Before i start let me add that i was molested at 5 Â and raped by one of my exs 2 different grade levels i dont remember what grade is when your five and the grades for the other thing is 3 and 5 . Ok now.
I started school a bit late due to my birthday. Once i started it was good till maybe about 1st grade. There was this girl who always bullied me cause well…… i […]
when yiou drink the rest of hyour champagne and drink some whiskey and take you r medicine and end up bcoming so out of it, you ccan’ t even think. yeahhh. todahy has sucked. Â fucked up once again, …the girl i love is gone and her e i am, wishing i could take that razor and cut my vewin open…but i don’t have the strength…i’m too tired. i’m tired of everything. i have my first day of work tommorow that i’m probably foing to fuck up as well since i forgot eveerything. i need to sleep but no, i gots tio go get a […]
She’s on the floor, bleeding out
I thought she was dead, without a doubt
My honesty is brutal, I’m a killer without care
she could go missing, and i wouldn’t tell anyone, where.
I can hang you high or cut you low
but I’ll always make sure, you know
I can be cruel, I can be stiff but if i could, i’d jump off a cliff.
I’ll suffocate you in your sleep.
I’ll wait till midnight to bury you deep.
I’ll stop your heart, so it can’t beat
and i’ll shoot you once  so you can cheat.
I’m a killer without a care
but I myself have been […]
I fucked up again, this girl emily (who i like) cut her wrist open again and i was the cause of it. I got drunk last night and told her she was just like my ex and that she didn’t a shit what she does to people and then she told “Meris. Before I go, you forgot where you met me. you met me at my worst but i covered it so well. i’m lying in a pool of my own blood and all i want to do is thank you for reminding me why i tried the first time” Â I told her from the […]
You made me smile,
you made me cry,
I missed you so much I wanted to die.
All of the pain,
the tears I shed,
was worth it all,
when we met.
The sadness and sorrow,
will always follow,
now I am waiting for a better tomorrow.
It will come,
no matter what it takes,
and I will not be the one who breaks.
We will be together,
despite the weather,
and you will be the one who makes it all better.
I now it may sound arrogant and selfish and i do apologise in advance, but i just wanted to see whether I am the one and only who feels like that. Basically, I often read the posts here and i come across really sad stories, some people go through really tough times in their life and i do fully empathise with them. Â In my case, I Â cant say that I have major problems in my life meaning, i have a partner, ok job, few friends etc. So nothing really major to report.
However, I constantly feel like ending my life as i do not see any […]