Well its finally come down to it I’m either going to end it all in the most lethal and consequently probably most painful method possible today or I’m going to go the hospital and go back to the psych ward to try to get some help tomorrow. Honestly I’d rather end it because I doubt getting help will really work but getting myself to use a means like that is really difficult
I really like these two songs right now I can relate to them so much in my dark hours
bring me to the horizon – drown
Who will fix me now? Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown.
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself, don’t let me drown
linkin park – faint
I can’t feel the way I did before
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
Time won’t heal this damage anymore
Don’t turn your back on me
I won’t be ignored
I made some changes in my life. I wasn’t happy at my job, so I quit. I’ll need another job eventually, (I’m considering going back to school this fall, even) but for now I’m a house husband, blogger, working on some cosplay (because I wanted to grow up to be an Imagineer), preparing my first novel for self-pub via Amazon, and working on a second novel.
Life isn’t […]
it’s been a wile but I guess your due to return
Me-hay insomnia it’s been awhile
insomnia-I know you thought u could hide from me with sleeping pills right ?
me-umm well kinda yeah u keep me up all night messing with my head making me over think and drain the little life I have in me
insomnia – haha well I’m back to kick u in the teeth what u going to go with out them pills now huh ?
me-……..
Insomnia- you know your life a mess right ?
Me-no I didn’t know it was a mess actually I thought it was going fine if u ask me that’s why […]
I’m 97.3% sure my mum looked through my therapy diary. I’ve had to start writing about the voices until I next see my therapist, so I’ve been keeping it away from everyone. I specifically told her not to look in it and that’s it’s between me and my therapist.
However, she’s been acting weird around me today and out of the blue asks about the voices and if I’ve hurt myself again (I mentioned I did in the diary thing). The worst thing she could’ve done was look in it, because, although very brief descriptions, it has a basic summary of what they say. And they […]
So as some of you already know I had tried and attempted my life yesterday… You can see how that turned out *waves like a maniac* NOPE still here so whilst still possibly thinking of another method and action plan. Let’s talk guys!!! *throws confetti and pies everywhere* I’m not good at this don’t judge i’m new at making conversations with others i’m even surprised anyone talked to me and now I have friends on this site YAY!! <—— Sarcastic of course it’s to early for me to be hyper I haven’t even had any sugar….. Be right back don’t start the chat without me […]
HI all,
I have been totally broke down for four years now. I really don’t have any idea what will bring me back to life. I’ve tried, but I have not been able to do it. I don’t want to be this way for the rest of my life, but it is very well possible that I will be.
When I say I am broken, I mean that I do not feel alive. I don’t feel depressed either, and that’s not to say in any way that I am therefore happy. Broken is the best word. I don’t know what is sustaining me and that fact that […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Many old timers here will be more familiar with the back story of Dawg … newer folks, feel free to peruse my past posts that date back to 2011.
The cliff notes:
I suffer from chronic back pain … make life difficult and saps my strength and will … often to the brink. And in years passed I was faced with homelessness through foreclosure … at which point I was confident I could implement my “Exit Strategy” and wash my hands of the whole mess. During this whole time … about the only reason I did not end my pain and cut short the inevitable march […]
Is there a reason why nights are so much harder? I was fine all day, but now I’m having back to back anxiety attacks. My chest is aching and I can’t stop sobbing. My thoughts are eating me alive.
Loosely-gathered thoughts on this exhausting day:
I might not be able to post this, since the site has been wonky for me lately. Some days it doesn’t let me post. I emailed the admins about it but haven’t heard back.
I am glad beaubri is still here.
It’s 11:00 at night and I have not eaten anything all day long. I should probably have something.
Has anyone heard from ToTrees lately? I know his MRI was Monday, and I haven’t heard from him since Sunday, I think.
My own MRI is in about nine days, and I’m trying to distract myself by writing more music. I may post it here […]
The past so many regrets so many mistakes not even from me but from her so what my soul mate came back for me so much damage has been done and she has put herself in a complicated situation she can’t back out of her future will be complicated for so long even though she wants to share it with me now sge cant it was suppose to be our future the perfect future not this soon I’ll speak to a recruiter I still can’t have the perfect dream life might as well have the perfect dream death
I’m alone. If this website has taught me anything, it’s that I’m not alone. That pain, guilt, shame, anger and sorrow echo deep inside many of us at every moment of the day. That any moment can be our last or can be our turning point. I will keep struggling today because I know things always change. Often they change back and I’m left desiring the epic release of death but at least for a moment I know I might not feel that way. I’m not sure i’d say that moment is worth it but I have nothing else to look forward to.
I wish you […]
I’m sick of being bullied everyday for not being good enough for not bowing down to what everyone says. I’ve lost control of life but I don’t want to get back in control of life. I want control of death and finally end it all. Five attempts should say enough. Anyone feel the same?
(EDIT): I have my story (all 5 of them) I’m sure you have your’s…. I’ll share if you share 🙂
I’m not sick of feeling the way I feel, I’ve grown use to it and I have welcomed it and I now embrace it with every fiber in me. […]
15 hours left.
I didn’t sleep last night. I laid awake on a couch. I didn’t want to sleep. I was afraid to sleep. Now all I want to do is sleep as I get ready for that pointless test. I’ve realized. This is my last day on earth. Everything I do today is the last. From eating, to pretending like im going to be alive the next day. In about 2 hours I will be back to it. I might sleep for a while. I might stay up for the next 13 hours. I don’t know. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Not just in a […]
I get these overwhelmingly strong feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness and anxiety and frustration with myself. It’s been like this now for the past year. I tried to hide all of it from people for quite a while but one day I got a panic attack in class and that’s when my friends found out that my smiles had been fake all this time. I try to drop some hints to my mum that I feel “down” or “I just want to end it all” but she thinks its all just teenage angst or just hormones at this age.
Is it really just angst if I […]
What do you do when you live in a world that requires you to have green paper with dead presidents stamped on it in order to survive?
What do you do when everyone around you has been brainwashed and conditioned to think the way society considers “normal?”
What do you do when you are the only one that notices that slavery never went away? For it has only been transformed.
What do you do when you can see exactly what people are thinking when they look at you, and have faces of disapproval when you do not meet their expectations?
What do you do when every one you’ve ever […]
So, I’ve made it clear I’m leaving. I’ve been attacked from every angle. It’s relentless. I’m holding my ground. I won’t back down. I’ll burn this fucking world to the ground.
Where’s this strength coming from? I’m not sure. I will use it as long as it last.
I theorize I’ve never been more serious about suicide. I don’t want to die. So human-drive.
Here’s a poem I wrote through my sons eyes:
Watching out the windows,
Looking out of doors,
Scanning the horizon,
Gaze up to the stars.
Searching for that something,
That has gone so far away,
I don’t remember why I’m waiting,
For those of you who have taken the time to listen to me.
I got my three month test 2 weeks ago.
My results came back negative.
Fuck you Zak, I hope you enjoy having hpv 2. I’m glad I didn’t catch it from you