I’m thankful I have a place to sleep. It may not be a bed but it’s better than on mud and grass. I may not want to be here. But it’s better I guess. Even if this place is horrible for my sanity and mental stability. I’m just waiting for the PTSD to kick in. If he comes near me I’ll just rip his throat open. I’m glad he is gone during the night hours and asleep during the day. I don’t have to see him. But that doesn’t change the past. That doesn’t change what it did to me and continues to do. I’m […]
better
I don’t know […]
I was fine… for a while. I thought I would make my life easier by pushing away my friends. Now I’m alone- during school, at home- basically everywhere. Its been awhile since I last posted an update, because I felt better. But depression has reared its ugly head again, so here I am. Tonight is one of those nights when I just can’t snap out of it. All I can think about is merciful death. Absence from school is a common occurrence these days because of depression. This just makes it harder to catch up and maintain good grades. I have no motivation to do […]
In case any of you were wondering how the other doctor appointment went Thursday…
I have an MRI of my skull scheduled for March 31st.
They’re doing two of them: “with and without contrast”. This means that for the second one, they’re going to inject dye into me so everything in my head lights up like a tacky Las Vegas strip.
I’ve had plenty of MRI’s in my life, but none with dye.
Best case scenario is that it’s a benign mass which isn’t growing.
Or, better yet, that it’s […]
I need to try and sleep. I will return tomorrow evening. I look forward to messaging everyone again, new faces and old.
I hope everyone has a better night/morning than their last.
so hard that you almost feel like you are in the past again. Like all the hard work you’ve done to be a better person to have a better life just to end up right back at the bottom. This depression is eating away at me and it is truly agonizing I’ve gone such a long time without feeling suicidal. But yet some how I find myself wishing that I could just disappear and be done with life. I’m destined to be alone and I’m mortified by that because I know it’s true. I am so fucked up mentally and emotionally and every other way […]
Anxiety? Social, specifically. I do – mine is so bad that I’m totally non-functional in life. I can’t do what other people do without extreme anxiety. I don’t see this getting better, at least not without a heroic effort (which I don’t have in me anymore, and anyway, I’d have to spread my heroic effort energies among lots of other problems which would mean none would truly be solved.) So, anyone…?
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
i really wouldn’t mind sleeping forever it would take a miracle for them pills to do the trick because let’s face it life isn’t going to get much better we r just giving our self faults hopes but tomorrow another day for the battle to continue I guess good night guys
People say my life is great. I have a girlfriend and I’m one of the best low brass players in my band. But my problems keep me from moving forward and it’s been happening for years. My strict parents who are barely tolerable are always disappointed in me even though I’ve done nothing wrong. My girlfriend has such a better life than me and I’ve always had some sort of envy. She’s my girlfriend and I love her for who she is but she’s always bragging about her lifestyle and in the end she always better than me in almost every single way. I don’t […]
In all honesty, I don’t think I’m getting any better. Maybe for a day, or for just a couple of hours I actually feel something other than this depression consuming my soul. I feel content. I notice more things, like the way my boyfriends lips curve into this smirk of a smile, or the way the wind blows at night, and all the living creatures are sleeping, but you can feel the vibrations of the earth. These are the moments when I think that living might not be such a bad thing. But it never lasts. My worst enemy is myself, my own insecurities, my […]
Well.. I dumped my boyfriend. He was a scumbag. Had no respect for me whats so ever. Fuck that guy.
I thought I would be even more depressed from it.
But honestly, I feel 1000 times better.
I feel like that stupid dark cloud has finally fucked off for awhile atleast.
If I knew all I had to do was get rid of him to feel happier, I would have done it a long time ago.
Thankyou asshole ex-boyfriend for teaching me what I never want in my life again. 🙂 YOU.
I’M ME AGAIN
During the week I work, I workout, I’m busy doing stuff. I have no time to let my mind interfere. The weekends are the worst. I get lonely and depressed. Yesterday I was such a mess. I feel like nothing satiates me. I loathe weekends. I do nothing except ponder why I exist and wait for each moment to pass so I can go to sleep. But today I feel better. Distractions are amazing. To not be able to think… It’s wonderful.
And I think it’s working. I don’t feel as bad, as bad I already do. I’m sad ofcourse and thats really all but I’m doing things. Keeping up brushing my teeth and trying to eat better. That’s it SP.
I am so tired of people continuously waking out of my life, only being there when it will make them feel better. I posted yesterday about the hell that I went through as far as being abused. It is the effects of the abuse that I have worked six hard years on getting past that keeps people walking out of my life like some kind of fucking revolving door.
I have worked so hard to get past every muscle in my body stiffing up and feel like I want to crawl out of my skin every time I am touched. Now days I can give someone […]
It just makes me angry I guess. Them thinking that the moment they found out I was suicidal, that I suddenly got better in the blink of an eye, after a freaking year of thoughts about ways to die, and what dying would feel like.
I hate that they think I’m all better now. I hate them for thinking that they can fix me. I hate them for thinking I’m sick. I hate them for thinking that I know nothing about what’s going on around me. I DO! I know more than they do, I know exactly what I was doing, that’s why I did it.
The […]
Hello everyone,
I’m back here again. I think I know the answer to the question “Is life better than the alternative?”. Its not. I mean how can it be? As I sit here is my dark room, I can see that I’m not alone. I have a companion who likes to sit in the dark just like me. Usually he just sits by himself in the corner. But today his gaze is upon me. He is beckoning me. “Its time” he whispers. “Come to me. I will take you to a better place”. I don’t think I can resist him anymore. Its weird, I can almost […]
When im drunk my conversations with people are way better and they all seem to love me. When im drunk music sounds better.. somehow I am a better poker player when im drunk.. I wish this was my natural state.. fuck..
Hey guys… long time no see. It’s been months since I’ve been on here…. months spent thinking. Thinking that I was getting better. Thinking that the old Sam was gone. The one whose depression conquered her on a daily basis. The one who ran to her knife for comfort. The one who never knew what a nigt in peace was like.
Wrong.
So damn mother fucking wrong.
Hahahaha life is a cruel joke my loves. It wants you to live but gives you all the cards to die. I hope you are all doing better than me. I hope to see some familiar faces on here soon… […]
“I think that man was half-right. He is better off out of the game – but the game may not be better off without him. A man should not exist for himself alone. Life made an investment in him, and that investment was not paid off.”
-Piers Anthony, On a Pale Horse