So here I am, an eighteen year old boy on a website designed for sad teenage girls and I’m expected to talk about the “perks” of being me? Okay fine if it will keep her happy and I’ll be able to come out more often then FINE I’ll write! Hm some perks? Well, I had a milkshake last night so that’s cool or whatever. Man I don’t think I can sit here and pretend there are perks to being myself. I can’t even be myself! I’m 18 and a boy and I’m trapped in a woman’s body, let me tell you going to the bathroom […]
My name is Kaitlyn and I am currently 17 years old.
I’ve never written about my suicide story before so bear with me.
The cutting and suicidal thoughts all started in 8th grade when I found out that my mom was an alcoholic. I blamed myself and thought that everything was my fault. Since she was going through pain, I deserved it too. I would cut myself just deep enough to leave a mark. (Those cuts later got to the point where I was scared that I would need stitches.) I went through all of 8th and 9th grade, keeping everything inside and not talking to anyone. […]
Well, life’s a struggle for some isn’t it? As long as I can remember I’ve disliked myself, always feeling less than others, not good enough, but needing to be perfect. I’m one of those people who tried about everything to find the happiness, the peace and the love within. I’ve done Vipassana meditation retreats (15 times 10 days), years of self-inquiry, many times Ayahuasca and Iboga (powerful shamanic practices), listened to hundreds of hours to Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Abraham Hicks and other teachers, Sedona Method, EFT, NLP, you name it.
It all helped, certainly to ease the greatest distress of the moment. Each time crawling out […]
When I think, I think way to hard, I think so much that, thinking is all i think about. I think about how everything is just, just a veil to the real world. I see the world in all that it is. People think that when you die you go to an eternal paradise if you follow a few rules and accept Jesus Christ. But in reality. (that’s the world i live in) When you’re brain stops working. You stop being you. You have no soul. Its just you’re brain and how you think. You just sit in the ground and rot. But if you […]
No.
To be Honest- i don’t think I’m suicidal but I can tend to surprise myself. I’ve always been okay with my body till I hurt myself and started weighing more than I should. It started to make me more conscious when family would make a general comment.”you’ve gone big haven’t you?” it’s been a few years and since last year I made new friends and they would boost my confidence. My current partner boosts my confidence. My family bring me down and it’s worst because it hurts so bad and I try to change and make a difference but I’m so private about my feelings and […]
I just can’t stop crying. Every day I came from work, I would curl in my bed and cry. Feels like my mind is a garden overgrown with weeds and thorns. And the garden never had flowers in the first place, it has always been empty and abandoned. And these tears make the weeds and thorns grow stronger and thicker by the minute, one of these days, my soul is going to get pushed out and will leave my body to die and rot in the garden I can’t tend to.
I’ve been dealing with depression for the most of past 4 years (I’ve been hospitalized at 17). My girlfriend of six months just left me without a word of explanation. She’s been amazing the whole time, but there were no warnings. I don’t really believe in the concept of soulmates but I thought we were perfect for each other. I felt she was the only person to really understand me (I’m almost 21). For two weeks now, it has felt like someone stuck hundreds of shards of glass in my body and left it there. I’m not someone who often had physical pains before, but […]
The goods: Sleeping patterns and grogginess in the morning significantly improved even with my Xanax, Restoril and Seroquel taken right before bedtime and those usually leave me feeling pretty sluggish the morning after. Energy levels have improved somewhat, slight restless feeling mirrored with a slight feeling of being content. Less flashbacks and bad memories so far.
The bads: Dry mouth/throat, some hotflashes, some heart palpitations, impotence, content feeling but at the same time not happy and still feel like I have even more motivation to kill myself. I guess it’s like a trade, my body feels energetic and my mind feels a bit clearer but at […]
I stopped by my insurance agency and prepared my life insurance policy. My parents had one taken out in my name when I was 16, after my fireworks accident. I talked to my agent and changed the policy into my name (instead of my moms). It’s for 25,000…not much, but it should cover my debt and funeral. I was going to add another 50,000-75,000 but I would have to have an extensive medical record search and that would show my cancer, abdominal tumors, brain tumor, F.A.P, Gardner’s Syndrome, Pseudotumor Cerebri, fireworks accident, severe anxiety, severe depression, bi polar type II disorder, abdominal migraines, etc…I think […]
I’m at wits end. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve a job I can live off of. I don’t deserve a place to live. I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve anything apparently. I try so hard, but I’m worthless, useless, ugly, no one would ever want me. I know I shouldn’t do this but I want to prove that I’m right, and show you just what an ugly, hideous, wretched monster I am. I’m not mad at the person I love. I’m mad at the universe or any higher power that made me this way. Why make me dream […]
It’s funny actually. How life plays out slowly. And sometimes painfully. I guess I have no explainable reason I want to commit suicide. There are reasons. Believe me there. Very deep reasons. I have thought long and hard about this. And I have made up my mind. That I am taking my life. I am not writing this in sought for. Help one would say.. Buy more in the form of. The finale will redemption. I have no one to give anything to so it’s very bothering.
I live in Johannesburg, South Africa. I am very young. Very young indeed. I have a very active […]
I am just sick of people and I feel that I am not able to make friends again and there is no friends in my life only one friend since high school and the rest doesn’t return my calls and we gather once a year I know that every body has a busy life but I am sick of being alone with my family
I’m not afraid of death anymore. The inevitable panic stage of dying is what scares me the most. I know if I swallow a bunch of pills, have my sweaty, shaky hand on the grip of a pistol pressing against my right temple, or if I decide to hang myself, those moments of waiting to die will be the absolute worst. All I know is that I need an escape, I need out, I need out of my body and my mind, need transcendence.
I’d like to think that reincarnation is real and maybe in another life I’ll be wiser and not make the same mistakes […]
I am not leaving my apartment until October….or in a body bag, whichever comes first.
Life is such a bitchy thing it fucks every body, when i was at the age of 3 years, my father left us due to his siblings cheated him. my mother so struggled to live, after 3 years my grandfather forced my mom to marry again, then i got a father, he was very nice to me, soon i got a little sister, but i can’t forget my father, there will be no day in that calender that i didn’t cry for my father. there were so many people who always surrounds me, but i was alone in my mind and i liked to be alone since childhood. […]
How many times do we have to feel grief, fear, hatred, jealousy and everything else put together do we people have to go through? How many times do you sit there and feel dead inside when someone is constantly bringing you down. I have a boyfriend and he can sit there and call me beautiful and say he loves me but I don’t feel it. I feel used, I hate it knowing that he always prefers to watch beautiful blond perfect body’s fuck themselves but won’t touch me. Unless he feels so hard that he needs a vagina to get him off.
I almost jumped off […]
I mean i’ ve never done this before,”speak in public”. The only thing i ve ever said in public was a druken “just stitch me up and let me go home,i need some sleep”. Yes i attemped a suicide 2 years ago only to find out that i was far more messed up than i thought. I will spare you the details.
This is more of a desperate move, i actually don’t want to talk, but the whole idea,and site which i found looking for the right,or wrong, dose of sleeping pills,distacted me so… I have gone really far since then. I got into a […]
I tried to save myself from me I tried to find ways to find peace I try to find happy bcuz happy won’t find me.
Every reason why I shouldn’t be here has arisen.
Depression has crashed down like icicles.
I will continue to cut all over my body as a signature of All the pain I have and can endure.
In the meantime I promise not to hurt those that hurt me in a way that they would hate themselves to face this too.. I just want peace for myself.
Waking up and Breathing is the hardest. It takes that peace away from me. […]
Firstly, I’m sorry for my awful English. English is not my first language so … yeah, i just hope that my post is not so confusing. Well, here it is ….
I never know that I can make it.
I mean, I always thought that I will be dead by now. (I’m 23 years old and I always think about suicide even before my 7th birthday)
Ever since that “accident”, I always torn between to kill myself or to keep living in this hell.
I already prepare the tools (for suicide) too. I keep on thinking about the easiest way to end my life.
Before I reach my 9th year […]