I feel like I’m suffocating, trapped inside my own head. I struggle to go through the day to motions of uni and work because I’m convinced this is my last year of living. I’m petrified, knowing that I’ll never get married or have a family or even do a single thing with this degree I’ve spent so much time and energy obtaining. It’s not that I’m planning on actively taking my own life, just that I’m convinced I’m not long for this world. My fear has become so bad that everytime I drive my car I hope I’m going to crash, just so it can […]
Tag:
Brain
have you ever had that feeling thats like you going through the motions of life but your mind isnt really there? I have that feeling almost every day at skool and I hate it. It makes me very tired at the end of the day and i feel so used to it by now…but what do you do about it??? You cant just say ” Hey brain keep up with me.” so what do i do???
the Cutter
It feels a little tender at first, hot as blood rushes to greet the sharp edge of your relief.
You promised yourself you wouldn’t, but the pain is just to much, inside. If only you can find a balance, a balance between the lonely suffering of your internal hell and the sharp, clean, slice of your external shell. Deeper this time then ever before. You must dig deeper to let it out. Your inner hell, red in its anger, hot liquid in its trespass.
The blade slices, a dance of blood lights it’s way, your focus follows it, watching. You feel almost outside o […]
Em, to be quite frank I could give a toss about existing as a science form of a “human being”, who, at this point, feels as though I cannot connect to society on any sort of level that is going to be productive for myself, my future, interactions with others or work any harder than I have for financial security for when I am at an age whereas I cannot look after myself anymore. Personally, I find the world around us has screwed anyone that gives a sh*t about a decent life, it is obviously a mental f*ck of whereas I have no energy to […]
i realized ignorant people will only believe what they want to believe.only hear what they want to hear, and tell you how you feel when you dont even feel that way, tell you why you are doing something,when really thats not why you doing it at all,they say your arguing, when in reality,your just trying to explane your point, like they have been for the past hour, an a half,now, there is a difference between venting and complaining, i learned that it all depends on who you are talking to, someone that does not care about how bad you are hurting and whats going on […]
Anger rising, rushing through my veins
Thoughts racing, running through my brain.
I can’t take this, all this hate.
I don’t want failure to be my fate.
I am unable to give a f*ck anymore,
So please go walk out that f*cking door!
He and she is no longer we
And I don’t want it to be!
Just let me go, say goodbye.
Let me go and watch me fly.
Hopefully I’ll soar up to God,
Or maybe just get beaten by a metal rod.
F*ck this life, I give up.
No more strife, put my ashes in a cup.
Spread them in a forest in the fall
Or maybe dress me […]
This is for a friend of mine, who had longed to leave this life behind.Â
Her name was Amber and she was a ray of brilliance. Her life seemed like any other. (not to say it was perfect. Her mum never had never any time for her so, she was at my house often. Once, we even threw her a birthday party because her mum had either forgotten or didn’t have the money) Amber was beautiful and smart, too. She was accepted into one of those magnet schools and was successful in her early years of school. She quit the magnet school, however. I recall her grades […]
i’ve stopped wanting to get better, this thing has a mind of its own. just a few weeks ago i could see half-way clear trying to get ahead of it..then the voices got in, i kept trying to push them away, it got more and more and then they wouldn’t shut up at all..now i stopped existing and everything i do or think is directed at finding loopholes in this absurd ‘you shouldn’t kill yourself’ bullshit..i don’t even self-medicate, i’ve checked out completely, don’t feel anything, don’t want anything except to not be. i’m too full of people, too full of memories, too full of […]
I’ve messed up yet again. I dont understand why I always do everything wrong. I’m not thát stupid, I know that. I guess I am semi-smart. So why do I always fail everything? I actually wish I was just an ordinary retard, I could just follow a meaningless education (or none, whatever) and there wouldnt be any expetations. I dropped yet another class and my mom just thinks I hardly have school. I just cant do everything. Or anything. I can barely wrap my brain around 1 assignment and because I’m so afraid I will fail again I just cant seem to make any progress. […]
I could kill myself right now.
But you’re fine at the moment…..
Still?
You won’t kill yourself, you know you never will.
And how are you so sure that I won’t?
I’m you, idoit.
You’re quite rude, you know that and also mind, brain or whichever part is talking to me, shut up.
So? I’m you and that makes you rude as well doesn’t it…..But back to the main focus point. What’s wrong now?
Nothing I suppose……
Oh shut up. I’m you, you’re bored and when you’re bored you like to think of horrid situations but you and I both know that isn’t the cause of the state you’re in most of the time.
I […]
I don’t really know what i expect to happen from doing this. I guess i just needed to find somewhere to let my thoughts be known before they just became to much to stand. I want to die, sometimes i think i know why other times i don’t. I’m not even sure how it started up, i guess at first i kept having dreams and fantasies of me being killed in an accident and it started to slowly get closer and closer to where i am now. I never want to hang out with friends, i can never live up to either my genius brother […]
im drunk and depressed, i was having a bad day depression wise and now im drunk at home alone and ive made a packt with myself not to cut for a week but right now i think im going to break it cause otherwise i might take pillsthatll end it. im so glad my computer has autocheck otherwise this would be unintelligable hhahahah. my brain is in a comfortable blurrrrrrrr but everything hurt and i dont understand whats going on. i was just considering calling my ex who im so not over and singing more than this to him. he would never speak to me […]
I may be metal and have no heart
But in your life I have become a part
As I carve and carve at your tender wrist
I feel in your brain there must be a twist
Is it normal to turn to me for help?
When if I scar another they scream and yelp
Your feeling empty and rather alone
But I’m not left sitting alone in your home
In your bathroom cabinet I’m normally sealed
Although next to your heart your dreams become real
You use me to express your raw self hate
But should I be used in this way to create
The […]
close them, the thoughts become calmer as they speak,
my the pound and brake on my brain
head banging, is a race with my mind, that help find serenity
im blind, these feeling are reall, this is how i feel?
and it will never go away, but just to be sure they will
i just hopee really hope i die tooday
no one could ever have enough impact to change the thoughts, when i’m alone
by Knightofdoom
written by Knightofdoom
I really really reallly don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t handle my emotions. whhhhy do i have to be such a failure in life, no matter what i do or who i meet, it never changes anything i  feel. It honestly become a burden, to freinds and family. I feel bad being such a mope, but that only because i’m dying more each and every day. and this pain, that holds me down, just never goes away.
I talk to people, and they all seem to relate in some way, I was talking with one of my new friends and they telling me, how […]
A guy told me first semester that I was perfect.
I wish I would have told him then how wrong he is.
I’m not, in the least bit, perfect.
I am screwed up.
I’ve screwed up.
My brain’s a mess.
Do people really notice that right now I’m faking it until I make it?
I’m cutting again.
But this time, nobody will find out.
I’m keeping it a secret.
I want to keep it a secret.
I hate that anybody ever found out.
It was a terrible idea that anyone found anything.
I should have never let the razor slip and then I had to […]
Hopless, Helpless,
Broken beyond repair,
Lost and lonely,
Does anybody care?
Scared and scarred,
Burned and Bruised,
Completely starved,
What else is there to lose?
Inside i’m empty,
Inside I’m screaming,
I wish I were pretty,
And radiant and beaming.
I’m numb and I am nervous,
Paranoid and pained,
I’m tired and confused,
I want to shut off my brain.
I’m locked in a cell,
And they threw away the key,
I’m trapped and I am tortured,
A prisoner of my mind.
I am trapped and I am tortured,
A prisoner of my mind.
A prisoner,
Of my mind.
life and living, for me, is an outfit. you put on all these clothes that weigh you down but eventually, end of the day comes; time to strip ’em off and rest.
I’m afraid that I’m genuinely losing my mind. That analogy, if you can call it that, is a half finished thought. So many of my thoughts are half finished and incoherant; I’M half finished and incoherant HAHAHA! self loathing is always hilarious.
I try to wear my life for as long as possible, but I always end up stripping it off and proclaiming myself animal.
What am I saying? WHat am I writing? How is […]
Things would be so much easier if I knew how to not care what people think. Im waay to sensitive.
I just wanna be able to open up and let people help.
HOW DO I NOT GIVE A SHT (within reason)Â I am so desperate because I’m in a constant state of paranoia/fear/guilt. My hearts always racing aswell as my thoughts, which hinders my concentration when Im working. I dont eat much at all because the nervousness suppresses my appitite, I dont think this is a panic attack because its always there> I think I have an overactive amygdala, (always wired/startles easily even when anticipating, crys over […]
I’m the good girl in my family. The smiling one. The girl who’s always offering to help out around the house. The girl my parents have never really had to worry about. I only ever argue with my sister, and I get on really well with almost my whole family. I’m the bright, spirited one. I have an opinion on everything, but I accept everyone. I’m the kind and loving girl and my parents constantly tell me how much I mean to them.
But that’s changed so suddenly.
In just a matter of days, I’ve fallen apart.
The thoughts have been there for years, but only now are […]