I don’t get how I gained weight !!! I calculated the calories I burn naturally in a day, plus exercise to burn more and only eating about 1000 calories…. according to that, I should have a deficit of about 1000 calories a day, so in 3 days and a half I am supposed to lose 1 pound !!! Three days later, I gained 0.7 pounds, wtf ?? I panicked when I saw the number and started crying. there is NO way I am staying fat.
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Calories
Tomorrow morning I’m going to my first counseling appointment with a counselor of my choice who specializes in the areas I need help with most. Scared and anxious are words that don’t even do the situation justice. I’m beyond terrified, but I will be strong and I will not resist help like I’ve always done in the past. I wish I had just one person standing by my side, telling me I’m making the right choice and I will be okay, but I don’t. In the end we have ourselves and that has to be enough.
I have suicidal thoughts pretty much everyday that will […]
you see that title? thats a quote i picked that quote of the internet because it sounds mostly like me….
It hurts because its true i am that lonely person when i was in school people who didnt know anything about me would look at me and i would seem the hyper one in that class i was happy and thats because i wanted people to see me like the happy one and the hyper and crazy one yeah it worked it was a good way to not show anybody i was most of all trying to keep everyone smiling whenever my friend is down i […]
Last night was really scary. I’m 18, I’ve had suicidal thoughts off and on for over a year now, but lately they are pretty relentless. Yesterday I was having them all day, I’m not even sure why. I also just relapsed with my eating disorder. Every day I either restrict calories or eat and then make myself sick. I threw up twice yesterday. When it came time to go to bed I could not think about anything other than killing myself. I started to drift off and as I did I started picturing everyone who knows me going to my funeral and reacting to my […]
I have lost the will to live it takes alot to make me smile and hardly anything to upset me. I have no energy anymore have lost intrest in my favirote things. I first started starveing myself around age 16 because i always felt fat, ugly and stupid comared to everyone eles. Ill go a couple days without eating then give in and consume a sick amount of food only to feel horrible afterwards. Food is an enemy i regret every meal i eat.
Self hatred has caused me to cut myself which turned into an everyday vice. Iv developed a blood lust waiting and […]
Today, I turned 18 years old.
On my 16th birthday, after crying myself to sleep, I vowed to never cry over my family again. Instead of focusing on all of the things that were destroying me, I focused on the diet I had started about 10 days prior. It took control of my entire life. By July I weighed less than 100 pounds, my bones stuck out, but I still wanted to be skinnier. I rarely ate, but when I did, I made sure to throw it up.
I started recovering last summer, June 2012. It went well for awhile, but once school started back […]
You know that feeling when you are losing yourself again, when everything you’ve worked so hard to build up is falling apart? You know you’re slipping but there’s nothing you can do except pray for strength.
I’m 17 and I’ve felt this way far too many times.
I feel lost, like my life has lost all its meaning.
This year, right after summer vacation I was called into the counselors office at school. Last year I had an eating disorder but refused all the help my teachers and counselors tried to give me. She was just checking on me and I excitedly told her how […]
I’m 17 years old, a senior in high school. My grades are flawless, I’m going to college next year on an academic scholarship. I’m going to be a neonatal nurse, to save innocent babies. I’ve never drank, never smoked, I rarely swear, I refuse to do drugs, and I’ve told guys no when they want to sleep with me, all to set a good example for my younger sisters. My teachers love me,”I never fail to brighten their day!” Next month I’m going to be an American Sign Language teacher to elementary students and in March I’m going to be an aunt for the first […]
One year and 40 days ago I started a diet.
That diet quickly took over my entire life, exposing mental disorders that had been hidden before.
One eating disorder showed so much more… generalized anxiety disorder, a mild form of ptsd, cyclothymic disorder (mild form of bipolar).
My family had been perfect, but when it fell apart i didn’t know how to express the pain. I pushed it down for over 4 years.
All of that pain suddenly came out in the form of starving, throwing up, and cutting.
Slowly, I lost myself.
I had to pretend I was okay, I had to be perfect.
I lied to everyone.
I fought help at […]
Today I was braver than I have been in a long time.
Last year I began starving and throwing up to lose weight. It became a major problem but I made sure no one told. It got better for a few weeks, then took a plunge in December. Coaches, teachers, and friends grew extremely concerned, but I tried making everyone believe I was fine. They saw through me and I started having routine visits to our guidance counselor to check up on me. I lied to her. She found out I lied. I was forced into counseling. At first, I thought I would try, but I […]
A few things happened today, one good, one bad.
Starting with the bad, my dad yelled at me for eating today. He yelled at my sisters and I for eating too much today and said that we have to ask before we eat anything anymore. My dad gets really mad sometimes, and when he does he exaggerates punishments. But what he doesn’t understand is how powerful his words are to me. Last year I stopped eating. Starving became my life, calories and exercise were my gods, I worshiped them like no other. I lost 20 pounds, went from weighing 123 to 103 in much less than […]
i want to disappear, forever. it’s been a year, the most agonizing and painfully slow year of my life. i should be better, but i’m not.
recently, i was admitted into a psychiatric unit as an inpatient. i was on suicide watch. they locked me in a room and had a police guard sitting outside my door. then i was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. i had to call my mom. she cried. it hurt.
i cut. i hate myself. i hate my elephant body. i count calories meticulously, but i also go on terrible binges. i purge. my sad bouts get progressively worse. i […]
Dear Daddy,
When I was a little girl I always looked up to you. You protected our family like no other. I will admit, I have always been frightened by you. Sometimes when you get mad, it’s really scary. When we went through everything with Taylor, that was hard. It was really hard on me and no one realized it. Do you even remember how you kept dragging me into your argument the night she was kicked out? That night has scarred me for life. You know what Daddy, in the past year I have done bad things. I have done things I regret. I wish […]
I’m mildly obsessed with the idea of taking my life.
Almost any way possible if I can do it semi-passively. It’s almost ironic that I’m no longer afraid of heights because I’d like to fall from them. Right now, I’d like to go back downstairs and take the knife and start writing in my skin with blood. Conquer my fear of pain as well.
And I’d jut cut and cut and cut.
And if I accidentally let too much blood flow out? All the better.
Lately I’ve been trying to deal with food. I’ve been forgetting to eat every now and then and eating things with barely any calories […]