My name is Cassie im 18 years old and a senior in high school. When i was 12 years old i was sexually abused by my own mom. So my life has been anything but easy. In my english class this year i finally told my story and took my life back and know that my mom doesn’t control my life. I’m more stronger then i ever been. So if anyone has been through something like i have you can always talk to me and i’ll give you advice on what to do.
Tag:
Control
Hi, I’m 12 years old and in the 7th grade. I have never tried to commit suicide but I have considered it. I just want it all to end sometimes, but sometimes I look around and think, “Why would I want to die? There’s so much to live for.” I started cutting about two months ago, but got addicted fast. I didn’t realize it at first. I thought I was in control and I wasn’t. Finally I thought, “This is stupid. I’m done with this.” I managed to not cut for all of 24 hours, then I couldn’t stop myself anymore and cut again. I […]
I would say I had a terrible childhood. But it wouldn’t be true. I wasn’t popular, but never severely bullied either. I was your normal nerd, with good grades (but not too good), few friends and a passion for books. And that’s everything I remember from then.
When I was about 15, I started to understand the world. I felt frustrated by not having answer to some questions, and started looking deeper into myself and into the world. I rationalized everything, and got a working schema of reality. I thought that was all, and was anxious to get that knowledge to the rest of the people. […]
Hello.
I’m 13, And have a crazy family. I Have a bipolar raging mother who beats me occasinally, A dad who could give less of a fuck, a brother and sister both younger who always push my buttons even if i’m already crying, and a grandma who doesn’t help.  My mom is mainly the reason im here. I’ve been suicidal since i was 9. I’ve grown up mentally as well, i stay locked in my room almost everyday wondering what  to do and how to die. I have countless scars on my arms from cutting, thinking it was the only way to escape , and now […]
I have been clean of cutting for seven months. Seven. I am very proud of that, so freakin proud of it, but there’s just one factor. I want to cut. I have stayed silent for seven months, I have tried something new for seven months, feeling happy about the fact that I am clean, but the want is there and it will always be there. And since I am now living with my father for the rest of my teen life, I am freaking out. Over here, we can’t cut, we can’t get angry, we can’t get sad, we can’t do what we want with […]
I have reached the a point in my life where certain patterns have repeated themselves. These patterns once thought under control have so gone out of control that the pattern is now a real relative in my life. This pattern at first was just bad emotional output on my part, then the second time occurred and its all the same all over again the exact same way it ended the last time. The last time I lost two very dear things close to me and now I have no chance of ever seeing them again due to my own stupid decision. This time the thing […]
Yesterday in a particularly bad time I decided I was finally going to end it. At that time (when I was clearly not thinking rationally), I was determined and committed. I have been depressed for a while but when this all happened something really horrible happened and I had no way to work through it on my own. I know everyone says that and I don’t want to say the entire story, but basically a person who had sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me for several years somehow got my contact information and called me just to fuck with my mind, and it set off […]
Wow, the last time I was here was a year ago..
& haven’t things got rough!
I was doing so well, I moved to London, started university and fell ridiculously depressed.
I relapsed again and again
I don’t think in control with myself anymore, my head is all over the place and my body is suffering. My bones are becoming weaker and weaker and I can’t cope. I almost broke my ankle recently and because of this my University won’t pass me for my first year because of the time off. I’ve been having tests upon tests to see whether I have a serious illness, they want to […]
The thing I felt in the beginning was the control I had. Finally I found something where I, only I, had the control on. But now, after more than 1 year, I still do that thing, but it doesn’t give me control anymore. Actually I have totally no control on it. But still I’m doing it, because it gives me a good feeling. For a few seconds. Fight after fight, a battle with myself, got no control on it. It’s was the main reason why I was cutting in the begin. But now it’s not the reason anymore, because there’s no control anymore while cutting. […]
“william Lewis shut the fuck or and piss off”
“what were the fuck am i”
the boy leans down from the tree
“you fucking spas your at school”
“ok i know that thank you ow wtf”
i look down and see the fag in my hand its bernd my thrum
“where did i get this fag from”
“me you twit” Louis looks out of the crowd of boys smoking
“o ok”
the bern terns in to a bone the Bone drops off all of a suddenly i feel despair stab my heart and the fag terns in to a scalpel
“wtf” i say freaked out now
“go on then you dick do it”
i loos control as the dream […]
I feel no one or nothing has ever given me the opportunity at life or love or friendships or to even have a family I just never had a chance ever,by no one or nothing.. I feel the only thing I can control is my own death…..and this will happen and I will die…no matter how many times I get it wrong I WILL GET IT RIGHT EVENTUALLY.
Control. That seems to be the only thing I’ve ever wanted, the one thing I’ve never gotten. To feel like I actually have a say-so in what happens next or where I go… to feel like I can contribute something to my life because after all, it is MY life. I have a dad who always made the rules. Even though they were always stupid and illogical and only benefited him, he ALWAYS got the final say so. And it went from being just small things to bigger things. Where I go to college (a college I pay for COMPLETELY on my own, by the […]
My husband is going out into the field for four days tomorrow. I feel as though this is my time to go. I will have enough time to think, write letters, and make arrangements. More things happen every day to remind me that I am not meant to be here, to be alive. There is no point. No one will miss me for long, people will move on. Like they always do. They can survive without me and I think it would be a mistake for me to survive any longer. I have no talents, no friends, no love, and absolutely no control over my […]
i am sick of being used, i am sick of feeling played and unwanted. i dont want to be led on, but im never the control of the leash. what is better about he/her/them? what the fuck do people see/not see i mean really i have to know. But fuck you, fuck you fuck you, okay? fuck you.. i dont know. i hate how i feel sometimes. i have no one to turn to, i have no one to talk to. eventually people get bored or whatever and just stop talking to me so, whatever. i guess in reality im pathetic. im really just running […]
I have done it again. I couldn’t control it. I just wanted to hug him. My eyes were following everything he did. i wished everything was different. i want cut myself badly. and i am drowning in a really bad wine. I just wish i haven’t seen him coz i might drown. this is far from love, obsession maybe. i feel like i am losing it. he doesn’t care.
The only place i really feel safe anymore is church, my friend andrew begged me for MONTHS to go with him and i caved in having given up on religion a long time ago.
Where was god when i got raped? Where was he when i asked for forgivness? To get past these feelings, to fight depression?
So i started going and i’ve started talking to a lady named candice, shes nice and is one of the youth counsulurs there. She knows a bit about my past, but i havent said much.. i’m scared their all gonna abandon me still. My trust, its so hard to earn.. […]
I am never good enough. first its school, then its at home, and now my friends. I hate drugs, absolutely hate them and my best friend got this boyfriend who made her int a big ass druggy and now its my fault that her and our other “friends” call me a loser because i don’t do it with them. i changed my Facebook profile picture to me and my boyfriend at prom with her and her ex boyfriend saying “I miss this..” because that was the last time we ever hung out because now shes too busy. (on my birthday i invited her and her […]
These words follow me everywhere I go.
I don’t quite understand them.
I don’t know what they are, but I can’t lose them.
These words have their own voice.
They sing and I cry along.
I try to master them.
But they are the ones who control me.
These words are my very being.
They are lost inside themselves.
I cannot comprehend them, as I can’t comprehend myself.
Who am I?
These words cannot tell me.
I’ve tried to stifle these words.
But they refuse to be silent.
In my dreaming, the words are pictures.
They show me glimpses of what I want.
Corpses with my […]
It’s a struggle having to hide my depression for fear of being judged. I feel like most people wouldn’t be able to understand depression which is understandable because how can you understand what you haven’t gone through? but I feel that because I feel as though I’m going to be judged by other people I’ve become very closed-off and that has played a part in some of my problems today like why I don’t like meeting people, why I don’t trust people, why I have anxiety and self-esteem issues,etc. . It really hurts me that I feel like I can’t be open about my depression […]
I’m sick. Can’t stop coughing. Hoping I might die in my sleep. Not sure if anything is real. I’m ready to die. I know I am. But I’m scared. For what reason I don’t know. Of the pain maybe. The love of my life is oblivious to me. He doesn’t even care. I’ve posted things on Facebook, pictures describing how I feel, directing them to him. Even though I have always been there for him. He doesn’t care. He pretends to. But if i died today. He wouldn’t care. I’ve been waiting. Singing my songs forever. But its just a game. Let the games begin. […]