runs through my body. You give me a dirty look, I hate you, you fuck with me, I hate you, you wrong me in anyWAY and I will see that my vengeance towards you will be swift and painful. I am a ticking time bomb and one of these days one of these fuckers in my life that I have to deal with is gonna cross me the wrong way, and that’s when the shit will hit the fan. Watch the fuck out, my patience is running out :)..
Tag:
deal
I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like a crippling black hole inside of me is sucking the life out of me. I feel so alone, I am so alone. I have two friends at college but they’re busy most of the time with work and class, leaving me in my solitude. I don’t want to go on anymore, I want to relapse on cutting when I’ve been mainly clean for nearly three years, but I don’t want the scars, the repercussions, the consequences. I just need something, an outlet. I’m so lost, so hopeless. I want to curl up and die, disappear, not […]
I don’t know if anyone else has to put up with this but my closest relatives don’t take my Major Depression and PTSD seriously. Even with prescription medication they still act as if it’s no big deal. They act like I’m just being “selfish” and I think it’s partly because they are largely responsible for some of the most awful psychological and physical abuse to begin with. Sometimes I get the impression they’d prefer it if I died.
Today is my birthday. I never celebrate and rarely tell others that it’s today. Unfortunately, my family knows, so i have to deal with them coming over and bringing some food and blablabla.
I d like to spend it alone, thinking about how im still not moving forward. Thinking that its just another year of failures, disapointments and suffering.
If everything goes alright, 2016 august 28 will be a lot better. It will be my last anniverssary and my last day alive
I dont know what this is. My heart is beating out of my chest. I’m having a fucking PANIC attack like you wouldnt believe. Someone talk to me. I’ve not felt this since I was 15. This is scary as fuck. Like all my worst realities are going to come to pass because I’m thinking them into existence type deal. That’s not the reality but definitely how i feel.
For as long as I can remember I have had to deal with the vindictive game my mom likes to play, I’m not talking about the casual fighting, I’m talking about an actual goal to ruin my dad, my brother and my life. It’s countless years of verbal abuse even though I have tried so hard to be a good student and kid. I clean the house constantly, cook for my family, have a job and maintain a 4.0 average, I do this all to alleviate the amount of stress my mom already puts on my dad. I am now a senior in high school, […]
Okay so I’ve always been able to see futuristic events in my dreams. My great grandmother could, my mom could and now I can. Here lately my dreams have been very foggy.. I keep having the same dream just the time and place is switched around. I’m having dreams that my soon to be husband is cheating on me or just deciding to leave me. I’m always even in my concise mind afraid of this actually happening. I’d talk to him about it but I’m pretty sure he’s sick of hearing about it. He tells me every time he only loves me and […]
This is a type of rant I had to make to be more positive.bring more positivity. I hope whoever watches it, realizes that they’re here to do something. yeah we’re brought up with struggles for a reason. we have to deal with these negative things to grow. IT IS HARD. But commiting suicide is harder, because we put others at risk, in a physical and in an emotional way. this isn’t to offend anyone. I hope I don’t sound like that at least. love people.
im tried talking to my aunt once again about helping me with supplies I need for euthanasia. I gave her all my logical reasons, told her that I’d feel so much relief just by having it here, even if I wasn’t gonna use it right away. I told her that it’s not fair to force me to live without a peaceful means out and that if I continu living, I’m probably gonna die a painful death anyway. She said “I’ll make you a deal, if you ever become terminally ill I’ll help you”. But I’m NOT terminally ill! I want this instrument of euthanasia. Even […]
I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this life. Wake up everyday and deal with the same things. I have learned recently what people really think about me. And I don’t want to be here anymore. I want the pain to end. I want this constant ache to just be gone. If I just end my life, my suffering ends and people can finally be happy. I’m useless to people, I don’t think anyone would really miss me. People would go through the motions of missing me but really, I just think they would go grieve me for the acceptable time and […]
I understand some people use their struggles to motivate them. However I don’t want to face them and no matter what I can’t feel motivated. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have any lasting reason to be here anymore. I can’t deal with or understand my disgusting, divorced parents and what game they are playing. I can never talk to my perfect older sister or my stubborn little sister. I’ve tired to talk to my perfect sister and when I start talking about myself for too long, she changes the subject to her lol. Then I try to talk to my […]
Trying to make my life more tolerable has resulted in me getting hurt once again. I was the “oops” baby, and i see that my parents try to accept me…But i know they never wanted me from the beginning. I have this indescribable feeling of emptiness that no professional, technique, or exercise can help with. I’ve used sex to coop, sex is great but it doesn’t change the reality of my problem. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep; thoughts of my future, my past, my family & friends, even my own funeral consume my mind. Im a strong person, but this pain inside of […]
We all have so much to deal with. I wish everyone in this life the best of outcomes. The wheel keeps spinning regardless of whether or not it’s too fast to keep pace with. Don’t fall off the tracks my bros and sisters. Just keep running, falling, and getting back up to do it some more. Peace and love be with you all.
I posted my thoughts about this a few months ago and still come back to them…. It is not that I want to die, but it is that I just want to disappear from the world around me and from myself. I would no longer have too deal with the things that bother me, and in time, anyone who would miss me will get past it…. As for disappearing from myself, I just want to be in a permanent sleep state…..That would be wonderful…. I tend to visit good memories in my sleep and I hope that would be […]
It’s getting close to that. I should have killed myself already. The guy I love wants every woman in the world and all I want is him. And he might take off to go far out west where he said his dad’s been telling him to go live because the laws are the most lenient on people in his situation. He said it just got worse here making it more impossible for him to have a place to live. I do agree it’s rediculous. But it kills me. I can’t even touch him or hold him. I can’t live without him. He’s everything to me. […]
Is it wrong to born gay? I had been in relation with a guy for almost a year. He loves me very much. But he has insecurity Problem and hence we had several fights. One of the fights were so extreme that we had to deal with cops. I really love him and he loves me too! Adding to this. My father left my family when I was two year old baby. I have older brother who doesn’t work. My mother becomes angry on small reasons. I already had an unsuccessful effort of poisoning myself and dying. But still I survived after a medical treatment […]
I use to be haunted by my dreams and thoughts. Now I embrace them and love them because I always die in them and they always offer peace. That’s all I want. Peace. I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of what comes after death. I’m starting to just deal with whatever happens afterwards cause I’m done with this life. I think I’m finally getting the courage to hang myself. I’m trying to learn how to tie a noose. The thing is, I don’t care about me. I care about random strangers that are on this website that feel like me. There’s a whole website […]
I’ve always worked at being a good person, being respectful of others etc. Some reason I just mess everything up. Everything I touch turns to shit. I don’t mean for it to be this way but I end up screwing it up anyway.
I’m to weak to deal with this grief and pain that I feel. I’m a burden to everyone around me and a pathetic excuse for a person. What’s the point in hanging on for better days when they don’t come. I have never meant to hurt anyone I was just born a loser
My doctor told me he can’t help me by himself. Meaning he wants me to go to somebody else… The problem with that is I hate talking and I don’t trust people so easily plus I don’t have insurance so my doctor gives me a deal when I go for a check up. There’s barely any groups around me its just frustrating he won’t see me again until I go and see someone else and he gets their opinion. Problem is he also won’t refill my medicine one day without Paxil after on it forever tears me apart from the inside out.
Ok – so
I started at a new therapist yesterday
She talked to me for an hour and a half. We literally scratched the surface – I told her when I started to feel anxiety in my life and told her a LITTLE about my 3 life destroying relationships
She says to me – “You have suffered a very high degree of trauma in your life”… ALREADY – she knows this from the tiny tip of the gigantic, ship fucking sinking iceberg that is my life… I haven’t even told her about all through school and the suicide attempt(S) and she says “I have August off”… […]