My Thoughts Consume Me

There are many an “Oops” babies out there. You are indubitably not alone. I am one of those aforementioned types, of which abortion was just legalized around the time of my conception. Obviously, I was carried to term, otherwise, it might be construed as weird that I am responding to your spilling your innermost feelings.

One thing, I have observed in myself, and a few others, regarding addictions, is that they will lead you down equally as dark of a road as the pervasive thoughts of suicide. Coupling strong ties to suicide with any addictive personality can lead to an unnecessary catalyst in anyone’s family. If you are using sex to cope, realize you will end up doing things that you will regret, which, without a doubt, will just intensify your lust for own death. You will use it as part of your rubric to justify your untimely demise. I think that’s what makes being lost in thought about killing one’s self, at least for me, seem so comforting, is we can ALWAYS find a ‘good’ reason to go….

When I was a kid, there used to be some commercials on TV for Samsonite luggage, of which showed a gorilla jumping on the suitcase, attempting to break it. In all of the commercials, no gorilla broke their trusty luggage cases. What struck me then, and still rings true to this day, is that no matter WHERE we end up, that unbroken luggage case follows us. Whatever baggage we have, follows us everywhere we go. Case in point: for you, you have used sex to help ease the gnawing pain of, maybe, suicide, or some other bad feelings nagging you, so if you have contrived that that is an acceptable escape from your problems, you will have conditioned your mind to act like that in the future. Let’s say in this example, you make it till you are old and gray, and you have found a suitable partner of which you care for, even a little bit, your baggage from your younger years taught you, that climaxing, or working through the beauty of the anticipation of sex with an unknown party, is the escape from any particular issue you have with your spouse. Your spouse may not have the same sentiment towards opening your nether-regions to anyone other than them. Which will only add fuel to the fire that is ablaze within you. You may have moved continents, but that conditioned response still follows you. You could be in some amazingly sparse rain forest in Africa, and you will still have the desire to copulate with someone else as your coping mechanism.

My point being: Confront your fears! Recognize what they are. Acknowledge they have some prime real estate in your head or heart. Respond with a calm demeanor to alter how the fear affects you henceforth. Perhaps, have a backup plan, find someone whom you feel comfortable to be accountable to, so you can measure your own successes.

You are 16! Work diligently on not focusing on your failures. I am not a real optimistic person, so I opt for cynicism, which to me, is just pessimism, with a sense of humor. Remember, all living beings WILL LET YOU DOWN at some point in your relationship. You could swear off people for the rest of your life, go find a monastery or a convent to go live in, get a plant, and be disappointed if the plant caught some blight. Life is uncertain for all of us. Remember, if you do plan your funeral, think of what you want people to remember you for. I know it is hard, but, imagine if you could be a fly on the proverbial wall, at your own funeral, what would you hope people would say about who you were? If that’s what you think about now, perhaps that may help shape your future. Aim to fulfill what people can and would say about you at your funeral. I am by no means advocating your early dismissal from the planet, but suggesting a different approach of which may make living a bit more tolerable. I know for me, being by myself, being with my dog, and exploring the world, are a few things that make me happy. To me, that is the epitome of substance. Don’t plague your mind with determining who you are, and if you can’t fit a mold, you must be relieved of duty. We all remain moist clay, while we are still alive. We can be shaped as easily as bumping into a tree, or tripping over someone’s backpack. Being impressionable, is OK. Please excuse the verbosity of this response….