The demons are getting to me. They are all inside my head now and my body is getting drained more and more each day. The suicide fantasies and the warm feelings of ending my life are starting to flare up again. Medication is not working anymore either. I think I’m gonna have to go sometime soon. I have fought for long, but they are winning.
A very pitiful thought came in my mind yesterday. What if science is right. what if all these things – our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, our efforts, our depression, our questions, our reasonability – things that are so important in our life, what if they are in actual just some neuron firings and some chemical interactions. its horrifying. a person is suffering from something. finally one day he resolve that enough, now i’m gonna change it however much i have to put effort. he fight and practice and finally get over that demon. But what IN ACTUAL happened is just a simple change in […]
You see “people”,
it does not get better. when you cut yourself or kill yourself, it will never get better. Why is it when that when we lose someone we love, we have to go with them. Oh yeah, i know why, it’s because this world is fucked up and people don’t care about what we suffer from. the world hurts everyone emotionally, we just have the scars to prove it… and it just feels so damn good… i want to kill myself a lot more than anybody. i knew this girl from when we were little, we grew up together. we were destined to […]
It’s just before 12pm. Â I have only just woken up and I wake up today looking at life like it’s a curse. Â What is the point of living life? Â (Not in a suicidal state of mine). Â I lay here thinking to myself how hard it is to get out of bed to get to the shower or to get downstairs to eat breakfast. Â So I just lay here for longer. Â It is now 1pm. Â I have decided to get up and start going on with my day to day jobs. Â I was meant to go out today but I don’t want to leave the house. […]
Why should our worst demon be the one in our own skin?
I’m not sure I have a grasp on reality. The only things  I know are my feelings and its hard to see events objectively.
I know that I was in love, I mean real unconditional love…for 10 years. The sound of his voice soothed my soul and being around him made me happy. i know how i felt about him terrified me.   And I know he went away. I know I was on medication for years afterward because I dreamed about him every night and somewhere deep down inside me my soul groaned endlessly – like a demon in hell. The suffering was unbearable and no comfort came. I […]
I haven’t posted here in a while. School among other things has occupied most of my time, but I feel I need to post here.
Everything is slipping away. I’m so young, yet I’ve given practically all my youth and childhood away. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to grow up and now I just want to turn back the clocks.
I’ve been having to do and see things I’d never thought I would at only my age. I won’t go into specifics, because in all honesty I’m not quite ready to admit them to myself, let alone anyone else… But I’ve strayed so far from […]
i have learned that i am very sadistic. hurting people brings me pleasure, and i really dont know why. i seems like im going down the same path of my fore fathers. it brings exseptional join when its people that are close to me. but still there are some people i dont not nor would not hurt. it only satisfies me for a very brief instant though, later i regret my decision. and i do sincerly feel bad. but still the cycle repeats, until i have no one left. and i really dont want to be this way but on some occasions it seems inevitable.
but […]
The truth I hold, took years to unfold, locked up and never told. Now I speak, for I am done being weak. A story I will tell, awakening the pits of my hell.
 Pinned against the wall, being six a little small. Tongue against my chest, you can imagine the rest. Touching, feeling, my eyes rolling to the ceiling. I push away, forced down, screaming, but i was never found.
 Day and night, always full of fright kissing, sucking, nonstop fucking. Crying, weeping and always pleading.
Was I that bad of […]
Ive Dealt with depression ever since middle school, and yes i believe it has gotten progressively worse throughout the years. I was never really the popular person or noticed even when i was at school or at home, and many family issues, i just felt like i was always just around to fill in a needless gap. Ive gotten good at acting like i was fine whether it be to what friends i do have as well as my family, but lately ive just been breaking down and i feel like all im doing is heading toward a downward spiral. My suicidal demon has always […]
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
Every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
All of these questions’ such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
take me way to a better place things havent been so great down here theres evil everywhere in the deep and darkest place and right in the light right infront of your face looking at you watching you as you look over your shlouder wondering when they will strick when they will take you away when they will make your life even worse then it already is… some people have an angel watching over them others have a demon making things worse for them every corner they take every move they make watching them as you sit there not kowning what to do next how […]
I have to go back to work today after two weeks off’ and I’m so terrified to go. Everybody is going to look at me with those questioning eyes, smile their fake smiles, talk their small talk, ask how I’m feeling…
What do you say to them?
Thanks for asking!
“I’ve been off for two weeks because I can’t handle life. And when I get to this point I like to hurt myself, so I needed this time to recuperate from the demon emotions that overtake who I may or may not be, oh and I binged this weekend like a fat kid in a candy store only […]
Today it was decided that for my safety and my little sisters safety it would be better to put me in a ward for a couple of weeks or months… You see that my mother is a extremely strict Christian – And after i came out to my family as a homosexual – She know believes i am possessed by a demon… So after a couple times of trying to kill myself because my father is disappointed at me , and tells me im disgusting she decide for ” my own good ” And “The protection of my little sister” That i need to go […]
My mom and I have a horrible relationship. We are always fighting! No lie. Its not like I want to. But I really can help it. Before February she physical abuse.  But I had had enough of the abuse and called the police. She would pull my hair and throw things at me. She punched me and kicked me. One time he threw a phone at me and sprang my arm. After the police she didn’t do that to me as much. Now its more so Verbally. I only have 4 years left at my house. But with all the names she calls me I’m not sure how I’ll do […]
At all. I hate the person I become when I’m actually achieving something in life (schoolwise, at this point). And I hate the person I am when I sit at my computer all day playing games. I could totally be a fucking mooch if I wanted. Who am I kidding, I’m a fucking mooch right now. 24 years old this Sunday and I still live with my parents, who pay pretty much all of my expenses. Especially school, which I’ve been in since I was 18. Granted, I’m going to a state school and my parents are not poor, but I still feel like shit […]
It’s no matter. Everything, nothing. Please somehow show me how to change myself, to make things better – because so far my efforts are merely in vain. My own mind teases me – “Oh hey, you’re good, you’re great, things are going to work now!”. Give it a few days, if that, back to: “Fuck!! I hate myself! I hate all this shit! I could give TWO FUCKING SHITS about EVERYTHING! I AM DONE!”. Release the beast, the demon, the real me from its temporary hiding place, or maybe cage. Too bad, so sad – it can’t stay there.
I really don’t know what to do […]
Hopelessness…black like filthy oil rains from darkened skies and gray clouds. My chin pressed to my scarred chest as my hair, dirty blonde acid conceals a marred face. I’ve done my best. A 3 year battle. The mud beneath my feet still warm with fresh blood. Rusted chains bound bloodied hands behind my lashed back and I feel my wrists bleeding. Four heavy steps more and the heat burns more than my skin. I will not look at those ebony gates because I know..the same gates that have claimed my soul since the beginning of the battle. So thirsty, are the gates of Hades. Rising into the sky […]
This is what some people believe. When one cuts through whatever emotion one is feeling right now, it’s rooted in either love or fear.
I believe that the reason that we have come to this site is because we have let fear-based emotions rule our lives. Anger, hate, frustration, anxiety, sadness, shame, regret … these feelings are all fundamentally driven by fear. In my case, I’m angry at myself. I hate my work situation. I feel great shame in being a burden on so many people. I’m frustrated by my relationship. I regret not having the balls to be true to myself – this lack of […]
It’s been so bad all day today, and now it’s nearly time to face the dark. Alone. My thoughts have been running marathons all day, and I see no sign of the excruciating turmoil inside of me letting up.
Once again, the horrible days where I am so physically sick from this, I can’t move, and so emotionally fucked I start losing track of which thoughts are rational and which are not, are the days when I have no one. The times where I am paralyzed with fear and flashbacks and lonliness… they are the nights that I suffer alone.
I guess I do have one small […]
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