This is the first time I’ve ever publically posted/said that I am in as much pain as I am. I’ve hidden it for years, even when I was a young teen. When I was little I thought everybody had bad days like mine: times when the world looked grey, when even speaking was difficult, when my soul felt sucked from me. I’m too afraid to truly come out and tell anyone around me how I really feel. They’ll all just say “Just put on a smile and look on the bright side” or “It’ll be okay, just buck up”. Can’t anyone see that I can’t […]
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Drugs
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I hate Life. I hate living. I have lived for so ling and i have yet to find someone that wasn’t “Living the life of kings” Or worshiping the devil with fucing YCMB or whatever those fucking dumbasses call it. Secretly i hunger to find someone like me. Not into those kinds of shit. Anti social, easy to talk to.. Someone i can hug when we both feel sad and want to kill ourselves. Im not sure if this person even exists.. Every girl goes for the alpha these day and not beta fucks like me.. Just today i went to the super marked and […]
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I have been trying to get out of this body for years specifically from the age of 7 to 20 (current age)
I have tried suicide multiple times including cutting my wrist and taking loads of tylenol around 200 and then drowned that with hydrogen proxide but I did not leave, I did not even cross over. I mean what the fuck this was one I was around 16 and I am 20 now still wishing to just cross over but I realize now my family would be very sad and down the very same path that I have always seeked.
The only coping mechanism I really […]
I’ve been pretty unlucky in life. When I was a child I was raped. Then my sister and father left me and my mother. She started crying and drinking all the time and saying/doing fucked up stuff (like trying to stab me). A bunch of other stuff happened with religion and drugs and stuff that fucked me even more. Eventually I ended up with psychological problems including social anxiety, psychogenic pain and schizophrenia. In college I found a therapy that was very effective at treating these problems: schema therapy. It involved going back to childhood and fixing the problems at the source. As part of […]
Since I was seventeen I have suffered from an anxiety disorder so that’s four years now. It gets better then it gets worse. The constant up and down exhausts me so much. I have tried all types of treatments and I consider myself quite a worldly and wise person for my age. I have tried much self therapy and my own things to help with recovery but I have only gotten so far and fallen back in the hole that is my disorder. I have contemplated suicide numerous times but have never actually attempted it. I’m sick of it and I’m just tired so tired. […]
I’ve been fighting off my own severe depression for 29 years, rather successfully, with an attitude that depression isn’t real, and thoughts about ending my life are just me being weak and unable to handle problems. But this tactic worked better when I was younger with opportunity ahead of me and the “my future will be bright” keeping me going; now that I’m 29, over educated and underemployed, fighting off depression with sheer will is becoming harder and harder, and the suicidal plans come easier and are more realistic and acceptable in my mind.
It’s less than day to day now; it’s hour to […]
Nothing ever changes,
even when you say it will.
You’ve always been a liar.
Filling yourself with falsity.
Hopeful lies,
and a grin so wide,
your skin could tear.
I’ve seen what lies beneath
the sleeves of your favorite sweater.
I have seen your ugliest truth.
The beautiful marks
that stain your skin
as a reminder of a night
you forgot to swallow your pill.
Living in a world of hazed confusion,
trying to block out the truth
with an upped dosage,
and a sharper edge.
Where do you hide?
Pretending this will work,
and stifle the pain.
But I can hear you cry at night.
Keep pretending.
Just a little longer, my dear.
Lately I’ve been feeling really sad. I cut myself yesterday and regret it :c idkkkk man.
I feel so alone, and my moms been bringing me down again. She calls me low life and lazy, and asks me when I’m gonna get a job, and what am I gonna study and all this shit. I’m 17 years old, and still young, fuck idk what I want to do or be yet, it’s going to take a long time for me to figure it out. I want to travel and meet people and see things form different perspectives. Why does life have to be so fucking rushed. […]
Well here goes nothing. the car is started and I’m taking the easy way. full tank of gas and airtight garage. I really loved life. I did. I had all the promise and every opportunity in front of me. But couldn’t stay away from drugs. been clean 3 years but a felon with a history of abuse is just a piece of societal garbage. I really am justired of failing.  I’m fucking scared. But I’m done. I hope I get another chance to do it right. I won’t waste it. What a pathetic way to go out, I just am not strong enough to  do […]
I’m starting to think I really have a lot of issues, I don’t know what to do with myself and my life. I’m seriously going crazy. I don’t know if it’s my mind playing tricks on me or not. But the voices in my head are starting to win and convince me I’m crazy. The only way to make the voices stop is to do drugs, and I’m scared and alone.
So I don’t think my story has a happy ending, but at the very least I can’t realize it anymore. Thanks to my good friends/new band mates I guess I’m doing better. Let me explain, I am no longer suicidal, just bitter not that I realize it. I don’t know if turning to drugs was the right choice necessarily but being ripped out of my head makes things much easier to deal with. I don’t know, I still want to not exist but not being in my own mind makes it easier, and expressing through music gets my message out in a vague way that […]
It’s official I’ve gone crazy. I know I have but I can’t find a solution. I want to die, but I can’t bring myself to do it. and the only person in this entire world that I love and want doesn’t want me.  what do I do now…
well except that I think a lot of drugs might be coming.
So this is my first post and I’m either afraid I will leave out too many details or give too many details. I’m not really sure who will read this but there is no happy ending to this story. Here we go.
To start things off I’ve never been truly happy I suppose. I’ve lived pretty rough at this point. Early on in life I dealt with an abusive sibling who being much older tortured me in ways I dare not say at this point. Things seemed to ease up upon taking up gymnastics which gave me an outlet to do things. However this gave me untold […]
Im tired of living. You can work so hard for something and still end up with nothing. I keep chasing dreams that i think will make me happy but then realize that there is no such thing as happiness. I think to myself how i want kids someday and my time is running out but why would i want to bring a kid into this shitty world? Why would i want to hand over my mental issues to another human being through my genes just so they can suffer? Am i really seeing this miserable place for what it is and just giving up on […]
I’ve been feeling some fear lately, and some anxiety too. Â I quit my job recently, I had too, it was only going to get worse. Â I have some savings to live on, but I don’t know where I go from here. Â My brain is damaged, it doesn’t work right, and you can read my first post if you want the details, but basically I did it under the influence of drugs a long time ago and things have gotten progressively worse over the last few years. Â Many hospitalizations, a lot of suicidal times. Â Lately, I haven’t really gone there, I’m much more curious as to […]
I miss him so much. I want my best friend back. I want to hug him and tell him just how much he means to me. I just want to see him again. I want so badly to see his bright blue eyes and blonde hair.
But I can’t.
He’s dead.
He would be ashamed of me. Drugs, alcohol, cutting, and my bitter attitude. Not much to be proud of.
There’s a part of me, though that thinks that he would be proud of me. I’ve been to hell and back, with both physical and emotional damages, but I’m still breathing. I can walk into a room and act […]
I have been a drug addict since I was 15. Â Ive had periods of sobriety the longest being four years however I am once again in active addiction. Â I am a failure in every sense of the word and all I want is to die. Â I have tried several times and just like everything else I try to do in my miserable life I failed. Â I am emotionally and spiritually dead already and have been for most of my life. Â Im 30 years old unemployed and live with my parents. Â Three years ago I owned a home with my beautiful fiance. Â I had all the […]
Last friday my oxy script ran out so I had to go 3 days without it, those three days were hell all I could think about was getting high again. I just dosed up on about 9o milligrams of oxy. I dont wanna go through this again ive relapsed hard and I dont wanna go threw this again. I met the girl of my dreams and I know if she finds out im screwed. I live a double life my friends hate drug users yet im high as a kite everytime im around them and I dont wanna lose anymore friends. At this point these […]