Fuck Man.

Lately I’ve been feeling really sad. I cut myself yesterday and regret it :c idkkkk man.

I feel so alone, and my moms been bringing me down again. She calls me low life and lazy, and asks me when I’m gonna get a job, and what am I gonna study and all this shit. I’m 17 years old, and still young, fuck idk what I want to do or be yet, it’s going to take a long time for me to figure it out. I want to travel and meet people and see things form different perspectives. Why does life have to be so fucking rushed. I graduated 1 year early and I did so much and worked my ass off, she’ll never understand though. Nopeee all she does is say mean things to me.

I feel like I cant ever please my parents, they don’t know half the things that happened to me in school. They don’t know that homework isn’t easy, and some teachers don’t fucking know how to teach. They don’t know that some kids are fucking bullies and say “funny” things about others to their friends. They don’t see how hard I worked, they don’t see what a good kid I am, I don’t drink or do drugs or get in trouble.

My dad especially, he’s a straight asshole. He treats my mom like shit, and  treats me like shit too.  I think it’s because he’s un happy because he cant drink anymore. He’s been sober for 8 years now and he used to be a bad alcoholic. I guess he just takes it out on us.

The man didn’t even go to my graduation, I’m still upset over that and it’s been 3 months. His presence would have been nice it would be shown he was PROUD to have a daughter like me, sometimes all I wish is for him to say what an mazing daughter I am instead of the negative shit. All my life I’ve been having to deal with negative shit, maybe that’s why im so negative. & I come from an aggressive family, so maybe that’s why i’m like this now. When your a little kid you notice things, and they infect your brain and when your older you realize even more things.

I wish my parents showed me they loved me more. I miss my mom hugging me when I was little, I don’t know what happened. I feel like as I get older, the more it gets worse, I guess that’s part of growing up, but it really sucks. Sometime I wish both my parents would hug me tight at the same time and squeeze me with all their might.

My mom was going to have a baby, but it died in her womb when she was 3 months pregnant. I still think about, how cool she or he would be. Having a little brother or sister was always a dream for me when I was little I would tell my mom if we could go to the store and buy one of those “crying babies” When I found out I had lost a future sibling I cried a lot with her. I cant imagine what my parents went through. I would love the shit out of my baby brother or sister. I wouldn’t be the youngest anymore, and feel way better because my parents would have another person to stay with them if I moved out. My baby brother or sister would have been 3 right now. I would kick him or her out of my room when he or she annoyed me. & If it was a girl id do her hair, and play dolls with her, id take her to the park, and tell everyone she was my little sister, and i’d protect her from the mean boys. If it was a boy i’d have fun beating him up.  But for some reason My little brother or sister didn’t make it to see this fucked up world, but I hope he or she rest in piece.

Part of me thinks that the things that has happened to me has made me who I am. Part of me thinks it’s not true. I’ve always been around negativity and aggression and not a lot of happiness. Sometimes I wish I could explain this to my boyfriend because when I hit him, he asks me why I’m so aggressive.  I remember hearing my dad yell at my mom, and i’ll never forget when he raped her and I had to get out of the room. He was of course drunk , and I remember crying and leaving with my apple juice in my hand. I also remember how much my brother and his girlfriend fought, and I’m starting to notice I do what she used to do to my boyfriend.

I don’t know i’ve had a lot of shit in my head since I was little, and sometimes it all comes back to me and I end up doing shit to my boyfriend. I love him so much, and I feel like a terrible person sometimes but I can say he’s one of the best things that has ever happened to my life, he’s the light to my half dark life.  I feel so shitty when I poke him, or piss him off especially when he thinks I try to make him cry and I want him to die. I would never want that, because my life would be completely DESTRYOED.

Life is fucking hard. But hey ive survived 17 years, Idk how much longer I can survive.