I’m happy sometimes. I met this girl thousands of miles away and she makes me happy. But sometimes I just get really sad out of nowhere. I get down on myself and hate every part of my being. I think about suicide really often, I have been for three whole years now. I even went to therapy but I stopped going because it didn’t work or feel right. I feel fucking insane.
Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to start my life over again. Locations, friends, schools, jobs, girlfriends and fiancés.. everything. Starting over use to be incredibly hard. But once you reach that end.. there is most often, a fork in the road. And you must choose a path. Death..or starting over. I’ve reached my end enough times to realize that at the end, you lose a lot of cares. And if you can manage to come back a smarter wiser person, you come back with little to lose..but everything to gain. As long as there is breath in my lungs, my heart will […]
Sometimes it may look like I have enough answers to improve my own life but truth is I’m barely holding myself together..
In a year I’ve lost my girl, my career is over, I lost my place and my will to make progress has run dry.
There are parts of my own sanity that create conflict in myself and between others..that now, I find myself giving into accepting the fact that I need medical help and councilors to guide me in even the most simplest of ways. I have the motivation but i still find myself in the same situation.
I want to live but […]
i dont care enough to even type anything else other than i want to die
Writing is a huge part of me as a person. When I’m lonely or depressed, or even when I’m feeling suicidal, I sit down in front of my computer and write a short story about depression. Sometimes the character kills herself in the end, and sometimes she drifts off to sleep and the ending becomes ambiguous. Sometimes it’s not even about suicide. But writing fills me with hope, and it seems to be something I can follow.
One day I went to my Language Arts teacher to talk about a poor grade I had received on a allegorical-type story. I asked her if she had interpreted it wrong […]
I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say, and then I swear I’ll go away.
Let’s see, I want to be a girl, which is still hard for me to wrap my head around, even after explicitly knowing it for two years now, up until that point, I’d started to feel quite weird indeed.
I felt numb/drugged/whatever, sometimes I felt like my brain was the only part of me that was alive, and it felt like it was burning, I was wondering why I always found girls more interesting company, but not ‘interesting’ company, even I find some girls pretty attractive, but when I’m out and I see […]
I haven’t lost him but he’s no loner mine, and that kills me. Out of all the people I have loved, envied and lost, he has made me cry more than any of them. The past week or so had been rough, quiet, vague. Then out of the blue he talks, blames me for what I’ve done, what can I say, he’s right. He doesn’t feel the same, of course he doesn’t. He gets over things so quickly. He still cares, but not the same way. He left because I was a shitty person and I hate myself for that. He won’t dare say it but […]
Ok ok I’m gonna try to calm myself down enough to make sense… I’m a veteran infantryman/machine gunner from the US Marines, I’m 27 next month, and I have a 2yr old son& and baby on the way… Regardless, I lost my job, I’m in Australia with no family, my partner can’t come with me for many months if I leave and I can’t take my son from her… It would kill her. My life has been contemplated in the past and now I don’t know what what to do. I’m not gonna be one of these ones that get into elaborate plans of suicide, […]
seems to be a recurring theme here. I’m 22, never had a boyfriend or so much as kissed a boy. I’ve had opportunities, but turned them down for various reasons. Every day I wonder if I would be happier, less suicidal if I was in a loving relationship. Then again, that’s a dumb question because even a stupid little crush is enough to put me on cloud 9. But does it get boring after a while? For anyone in a relationship, do your feelings for your bf/gf/fiancee/husband/wife give you enough reason to go on, day after pointless day? Is it worth it?
I want to lie to my therapist/ I already did, it’s just that she would worry. I just wish I’d die so i could not have to do any of this. I feel like nothing is inside. I feel like I can’t even die correctly. I feel like ice is just not new me. I feel like there are no words to this game i’m playing I feel like nothing matters and i hate it all. I feel like love is not enough. I feel like everything is wrong and there is no way to fix it.
I am 16 and i want to die. A few years ago i tried killing myself with sleeping pills but i didnt take enough. So since there is no way im getting my hands on that ever again i decided to try to cut an artery but cutting hurt SO MUCH i couldnt do it.
Does anyone have tips for me. What can i easily get my hands on that will kill me with the least pain as possible.
Blame xirzio for this shot. Sorry guys.
I feel sort of spent tonight. I’m making progress, but it never seems to be enough. Nothing can make me forget. These things that are running through my head nonstop.. They’re eating me alive. Before long, I’ll be a skeleton on the floor of the mansion that I used to call my life. When did it go so wrong? There has to be more to life than this […]
Im never writing to myself, its always been a letter to the universe, if They could hear my thoughts. to you? which you may never receive ,if only by cause. or my final notice,which I never really know what I would say. But I know now understanding is never really quite enough, sure they understand,does this mean I’m not alone then why is it so cold in this heart, I call home. if it’s worth trying. ?I know it’s not enough which I why I should stop writing to you. It’s hopeless, Im hopeless. I don’t wanna be the reason, I don’t wanna cry. cause […]
Been home 2 years with back injury. Had a 2 level fusion and it has failed. Have to have another one. My business is gone. I’m financially drained. Nothing gives me joy. I love my wife and dogs and they are the only thing keeping me from doing it….but I am scared that’s not enough with the constant pain. When is enough enough? I know everyone will understand why. Lawyers, Dr’s, Work comp. Nightmare. I give up god, please take me before I do it myself.
Knowing that you HAVE to be somewhere, at least 5 days out of the week and for at least 8 hours a day makes life already suck. Obviously I realize that you have to work to survive, but why not simply… survive to survive? Humans thousands of years ago didn’t have “jobs”, they were keen on self-sufficing, foraging, hunting, migrating.. just being alive was enough. Where did that go? Why can’t we just be happy with living, eating, socializing and we as people being our own livelihoods? I think things would be a lot better, rather than working some shitty job you hate and saving […]
This is my first time posting on here, but I really feel alone right now. Even when I’m with my family I still feel lonely. All my friends left me when they found out I have depression. I’ve been suffering from it for 5 years now and about a month ago I tried to commit suicide. all I can think about is commiting suicide again except this time I will make sure I succeed. Ive been working on a plan since I got out of the hospital. I can’t keep going on like this I need my suffering to end. Ive been cutting for A […]
The world has been comming down on me for a long time now and i cannot keep up with it anymore, i hurt physically and emotionally and nothing helps, 15+ years of feeling terrable And i cannot keep going. Dose anyone have a reason to keep going? Probably not. So if anyone would like to help me do myself in that would a big help. I have tried but i guess not hard enough.
I’ve been cleaning my house. Dropping bags to donate. Filling garbage cans.
I don’t want someone else to have to do it.
But it’s silly a bit. I’m making choices about what might be important to my children. I feel nothing about any of it.
I felt a bit better once I decided and started planning and preparing.
Now I can’t get out of bed again. They know I’m not ok. But there’s been so many secrets. I think they’re afraid too.
I got sober. I did what they told me to. And it was supposed to get better. I was going to be ENOUGH. But I’m not. And I […]
Its been 5 minutes and I already miss her I miss many in the end were all alone so why have I driven them away so early I’m sorry to everybody and to E I wish I was enough today its obvious I never will be I miss everyone I truly am alone and I cant cope with that too long being alone so alone
Man, I feel like I for once was right about something. This website is already proving amazing. My previous vent helped me through the day, and upon logging on again and seeing a couple encouraging comments, I feel I can fully breathe again. Well, at least for today.
Tomorrow is a different story, but we’ll talk about and deal with that when we get there. Seriously though, this website is my new go-to place. I’ve kept diaries in the past, but my older sister snoops through them and at times would have the nerve to leave comments she believed encouraging. On the contrary, they were quite […]