So, as usual, I got 400 ideas, plans etc. I got at least a dozen projects going. Half a dozen deals. On top of work, family obligations.
Why do I do this? Constantly emulating progress. As if the next step will finally fill this void…
I find myself daily thinking if I could just “X” then it’d be better. Then I remind myself it won’t. It’ll be the same just different, so I should kill myself.
Pretty much my inner voice lately, yeah I could do…. or you know, just die.
As always, I’ve been thinking too much. If I didn’t think as much and as deeply as I do I’m certain I wouldn’t be suicidal and I’d be a much happier person. But I can see the truth about myself and it’s going to make me kill me.
I used to be better than this. I’ve been slowly declining over several years but it was only a little over a year ago when I started to realize there was a time limit on my facade of success. It has been a torturously slow spiral but sometimes I can feel the way it will speed up until I […]
To do list:
Write a book.
Buy a new package of blades.
Consider seeing a therapist.
Buy vitiams
Go insane.
The blade is finally too dull to do damage. No matter how much you press it does little damage. And I don’t want to get stitches, so best not to press full force. I can’t wait to be re-united with a fresh blade.
(“The kit”
Open Pandoras box
I dare you
Tripple dog dare
I’m laughing
Clueles
Even you
Maybe I’ll turn blue
Screaming thank you
Pathetic
That’s what they are
Trying to save you
When they have […]
My favorite chapter in Harry Potter The Deathly Hallows is The Wandmaker. I haven’t heard many people that say that’s their favorite chapter, but in my opinion, out of all the books, it’s the most well-written. Harry is faced with a choice and he’s finally coming to terms with it. He is battling against himself, fighting the unknown and doing exactly what he needs to do to get things done even if he doesn’t want to do it. He is in pain. The sense of loss he is feeling is paramount. Be he is the only one that can help the situation. I could read […]
I’be technically been on this site for 2 or 3 years now just looking around, but this is really the first time I’ve ever made a post. I’ve seen how everyone here connects and empathizes with each other, and I guess now I’ve decided that finally posting and visiting the sight without private browsing on could be the best thing to help for right now. I’m in a bad spot; potentially the worst I’ve ever been in. To be honest I’m pretty sure I won’t be alive for much longer than a year if that, barring a miracle. And if I do die soon I […]
72 pounds of patato salad and egg salad finally done Now I clean. Im sooo tried.
Well its finally come down to it I’m either going to end it all in the most lethal and consequently probably most painful method possible today or I’m going to go the hospital and go back to the psych ward to try to get some help tomorrow. Honestly I’d rather end it because I doubt getting help will really work but getting myself to use a means like that is really difficult
I’ve been finally realizing how old they are becoming. Their health and minds are slowly depleating. I remember growing up with them. Spending time with them. Helping them so much. Today everyone was in a hurry to see a movie and rushing them. They both dont walk fast anymore. And Grandpa has nerve damage in his right arm. So he is unable to move it. No one asked if they needed help, just rushing them. They get so confused easily on top of that. Me on the other hand I waited for them. I stood by them as they got ready to get up and […]
I’m sick of being bullied everyday for not being good enough for not bowing down to what everyone says. I’ve lost control of life but I don’t want to get back in control of life. I want control of death and finally end it all. Five attempts should say enough. Anyone feel the same?
(EDIT): I have my story (all 5 of them) I’m sure you have your’s…. I’ll share if you share 🙂
I’m not sick of feeling the way I feel, I’ve grown use to it and I have welcomed it and I now embrace it with every fiber in me. […]
I’m from England but it seems everybody else on here is American? I don’t even know if I’ll stay on this site. For now I’m just using it as a ranting place. My mum finally let me keep my own tablets. I’m scared because sometimes I get so depressed that I have moments where I feel like nothing is real, like I don’t really exist so it wouldn’t matter if I died. If it happens again, I don’t want to fail again. Maybe I should jump instead.
After 2 months of just reading and just staying in the sideline i now had the courage to register , i stumbled upon this site and its amazing because i have never felt the same with some people here and ofcourse the envy of others finally getting what some of us want to do. you guys might not see me again because im not much to talk but my lifes been getting worse so we’ll see i guess.
hey folks…
Did anyone else ever have that (day-)dream by being adopted in an animal family?
I had that strange dream….running away from all of the human pain..finally a group of wolves adopted me. I could hear their thoughts in my mind, and vice versa. Wild animals took care of me. I was allowed to be part of the wolf pack…I was allowed to lean on to those amazing animals during the night, in a cave…safe and warm…and the animals (not just wolves) protected me from men, whenever they tried to get me. I felt warm. I felt safe. Like a little child, growing up […]
Idk why i titled this post after a fairly odd parents character. My sister mentioned him earlier so there you have it. I’ve been in worse places than now. That said ive overeaten like a pig today, i was treated like a cop when i asked someone for weed, someone from my past contacted me out the blue but things are still fairly cold. The whole convo was less than 20 words between the both of us. The weed thing sucks. Ive been completely sober for 5 months since i moved here and […]
I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was yelling (this is hardly the first time and it’s not even a huge deal)Â and I just completely lost it, I started sobbing right there. I couldn’t even keep quiet and she noticed and asked why I was crying, and to make it worse I’m pretty sure my grandparents might have heard me too. I kept trying to put a hand over my mouth to not make noise but then my nose made noise when I gasped, and then I just pinched it too, which finally made me quiet but then I couldn’t breathe […]
It was the day when I became fed up of everything. It was my mom who pushed me to it. I’ve been depressed a lot before I did it. I had my suicide note ready and talked to a friend whom I’d be leaving everything to. She was shocked somehow since it was really out of the blue, I didn’t plan on hanging myself that night but I was just tired of everything. Same old routine, same old pain. Let’s face it, whenever we tell people we’re numb by it, we aren’t actually numb. We can still the very same pain we did the first […]
I’ve been on this site for 4-5 years. When i was more active in the community, these are the people who meant the most to me. Please let me know if you reconize or know any of these members. It would make my day.
No one remember Klaurens I’m sure. But exhausted24 was the coolest person ever. I still have the emails from kallie’s family after she died. Dawg and AtTheEnd, and Duke were everywhere. Every single post, they would comment on. There’s this annie girl that showed me this site. She’s always meant the world to me. I know pasceltrees is never going to see this, […]
I was having doubts about this, but now I’m ready. Do you know what finally set me off? My mom. It was a good day, my brother started teaching me how to drive, my dad was just in his room, and my mom was watching tv. And my dad came out to ask about what we should do about our insurance. I don’t know why, but my mom started yelling saying that that should be his responsibility and that other families have everything sorted out. My family isn’t the richest, and whenever my dad does something without my mom’s knowledge she rages and when my […]
Well.. I dumped my boyfriend. He was a scumbag. Had no respect for me whats so ever. Fuck that guy.
I thought I would be even more depressed from it.
But honestly, I feel 1000 times better.
I feel like that stupid dark cloud has finally fucked off for awhile atleast.
If I knew all I had to do was get rid of him to feel happier, I would have done it a long time ago.
Thankyou asshole ex-boyfriend for teaching me what I never want in my life again. 🙂 YOU.
I’M ME AGAIN
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
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This morning (Monday) I finally got to sleep for the first time since Friday.
Slept for 12-13 hours, and still woke up feeling like someone who could give zombie-lessons.
I can sit and stare at the wall for an hour, doing nothing and thinking almost nothing, before my brain finally nudges me into consciousness.
Something is definitely weird.
I have two different doctor appointments next week, so maybe one of them will have an idea what’s going on.
Until then, hi, everybody.
Mondays are rotten for most people, so […]
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