Rock Bottom. It’s more of a home to me now than ever before. I come and go from this place. I never leave it permanently. I end up messing things up all the time anyhow. I don’t feel anything. I feel sick. I feel like the energy is slowly dying in me. I can’t go to anyone anymore. I annoy them with my constant complaints. They have better things to do. Lately, days seem longer and the sleep seems short. I’ve been here before. I know every pain and feeling that comes with being here again. I can never get used to it. I always […]
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I would do anything in the world to fall asleep right now & stay in my warm comfy bed. Forever.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Who here has social anxiety that extends to the internet? It’s a lot easier to share my thoughts online, and it doesn’t bother me who reads, but talking to people directly via comments sends me into a state of panic. Even positives comments leave me flustered to the point that I have to close my browser and go do something else for a little while. Here, making comments on news stories, youtube videos; all so nerve wracking.
I figure that most people are their bodies, or have convinced themselves that they are their bodies, but I’ve convinced myself that I’m inside my body controlling it. All […]
you know, I spoke very prematurely when I came out of the psyche ward. In hindsight, all it did was trigger my desire to make friends. Once they all rejected me, it brought out my Borderline Personality Disorder (which was what I was diagnosed with in the ward). I have attachment and rejection issues. What a load of garbage. I wish they would have just sent me home the next day after my suicide attempt. I wasn’t suicidal a day after my attempt and I’m not suicidal now. If I would have just went home instead of going to the psyche ward, I’d be just […]
The day I attempted, I knew exactly what I wanted. I didn’t care who was hurt and who would be a complete mess if I actually did die. I wanted out. For weeks before I was under so much stress from my mother. Everything was always my fault. Everything. The night before I attempted, I stayed out til 4 am with my boyfriend having one of the best nights in my life. When I finally came home, with 1% on my phone battery, I was locked out. She locked me outside in the downpour thunderstorm, frozen cold.
I managed to get my phone one long enough to […]
Its my day off. I woke up too early. I cried in bed for probably an hour. No shame in lying about that. I prayed, and I cried some more. I actually made myself breakfast today. But it happened to be in the after noon when I ate it. So I guess I can consider that brunch. I ate in bed… And have been there all day. It’s the place I feel most comfortable.
I feel very numb today. I feel as if I have given up the hope I was holding onto so dearly. Why? I don’t know. Nothing has changed. I tried to cheer […]
It’s not the thoughts of suicide that are getting stronger. Not that. But my ability to stay safe that is getting weaker. No proper sleep for months, no proper food for weeks, random and variable support in fighting this landlady who is evicting me. We are to be homeless again, and I am getting weaker and weaker, trying to fight it. Running out of hope. Running out of options. As winter approaches fast, we are faced with sleeping in the car, again. In this life 21st century life, you have to have money to get folk to listen and support. Solicitors, surveyors, anyone. They all […]
Hi I am Adam here is my story.
Growing up I never really had a father or even father figure in my life which is pretty shitty but I am sure it happens to a lot of people. My mom and dad divorced before I can remember so it’s always been me my mom brother and sister. I was about 7 my brother 10 he had just broken his collar bone so his arm was in a sling we had bunk beds and I had top bunk I had jumped down and accidentally hit his arm which was an ACCIDENT but my dad being the […]
I thought the therapy was great at the time while I was in the psyche ward. Problem is, what really helped was the “friends” I thought I made. I have severe attachment issues and can’t stand to be alone and rejection brings out my PTSD. If they was going to do therapy, it should have been some sort of 1 on 1 thing. Now I feel this huge empty void again but without the suicidal thoughts. Because nobody returned my calls and deleted my friends request on Facebook, my self confidence is one again in a graveyard. I’d be right where I was if I […]
Yall remember those “friends” I made in the god damn psyche ward? Well I added Sarah and John on Facebook from that ward and exhanged numbers. Not only have they not returned my calls BUT I looked on my Facebook page and fucking beautiful! They both denied me. Couldn’t have fucked me over better myself! See? Fake people! No wonder I’m a god damn recluse. As for my “fishing buddy” Mitchell, never could get ahold of him ether. Well fuck me!
I guess this is the place to vent. I don’t know it’s been about three years since I’ve been this depressed. I used to be on this website back then. I feel like crying screaming and then again I feel numb and so emotionally exhausted that I’m hurting physically. Almost three years ago I was raped and I’m holding the best thing in my arms right now that ever walked the face of the earth. She is the product from that horrid night but omg she’s so amazing!!! I fall in love with her more and more every day. But what in the world do […]
after my one day stent in the ER, and the 5 day stent in the psyche ward, I became close to a lot of people in there. I exchanged phone numbers with about 5 people. They was like family to me. When I tried to call em, it all went directly to voicemail and I left a message but nobody returned my calls. Me and this one guy was planning on meeting up and going fishing.
My fear is – what if they just felt that fellowship on the inside, but once they got out they moved on? I heard stories about prisoners who promised to […]
I hurt myself again today.
Just to make sure I’m still alive. Another scar on my arm, another broken frame.
The blood falls onto the sheets, the crippling fear at my gates.
Another failure in the books. No one hears my screams, my happiness is a lie.
But that’s the price of making others happy.
And the only pain in death is felt by those who are left behind.
Our empty world is cruel, hurtful and unforgiving. It will break you.
I still remember your beautiful face. Those fleeting moments we shared.
I can only hope you’re still with me, holding me close while I cry myself to sleep.
I don’t blame you. Your […]
The tears just wont stop coming
Every day now – I cry
I ask God to take me – to give me some relief from this hell I live in
For a very short time, I thought there was hope
But just like everyone else, he left me alone
I was stupid to even believe in a glimmer of happiness
It never comes
I don’t want to be here anymore
2 nights ago I dreamed I was torn apart by a mountain lion – and that peace, that you only find in death – I felt that in the dream.
And then I woke up […]
I have been told by many “you’re not alone, things will get better” and I’m not saying this isn’t true, but can someone tell me the steps they have taken to feel better? Because I’m oblivious to what I should be doing. I’m taking my meds, going to talk therapy, I’ve talked to whoever will listen, I’ve tried just thinking positive, but negativity is all that runs through my veins. I don’t mean that in the sense that I hate everything and everyone. I say it in the sense that I cannot see any good in myself or my life. I’ve always been like this. […]
…hi
could you please tell me what I’m doing here?
i don’t know what I’m doing here.
im in the same room as my little sister and mother.
I’m doing “homework” for my mock exams this week.
what I’m actually doing is using homework as an excuse to listen to music…
in 24 hours and 15 minutes ill be in the a mental health service place for youth…
and I’m scared.
i was recently referred but now I’m actually going I’m not too sure what to do.
what am i doing here?
and i don’t mean this site.
what i mean is get me the hell out of here please I’m a 15 year old boy […]
This has been a big part of my constant thinking and desires of suicide: part of me wants to go out of the house, make friends, do socializing activities, get a job, and pretty much anything that a normal person would – but another part of me hates the world, hates people, is too sensitive, too afraid, too moody and too petrified to set foot out in the world! Every day these two sides battle against each other, some making more ground than others, but in the end I can’t take it and make my attempts to end it.
I come from a religious family who […]
Recently, I had to move back home to my parents. Three years ago it was just my parents, my little sister and me. My sister and I both had our own room. Then my older sister and her two children moved in, we only live in a three bedroom townhouse. My older sister got her own room because she had to share it with her two kids. My younger sister got her own room because she refused to share a room and my parents wouldn’t make her. So I was forced out of my room and I had to sleep on the living couch/ floor […]
So I found a place to live, in an LGBT household and I know I’ll have support here but I feel so empty and painfully alone because I lost my best and closest friend in the sense that he truly doesn’t give a fuck how I feel, refuses to listen to how I feel and will cut me out of his life if I say how I feel, shits all over my feelings and acts like I don’t exist and we were never as close as we were and constantly pushes me away and trivialize my feelings and barely says anything to me […]