Hello. I’m very uncertain about a lot of things. I’m not even really sure that I’m suicidal. I think about killing myself all the time and I even daydream about how I would do it. But if I was really suicidal, wouldn’t I have already done it by now? Literally I could just go into the kitchen while everyone’s asleep, get a knife, cut my throat, and lie down on the bed. But every time I’m at my lowest and feel the urge to do it, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I guess I’m too afraid. I imagine I’m put in situations […]
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Pretty self explanatory, isn’t it? She died in a car crash. There were two other people in the car, but she’s the only one that died. Now I don’t know what I’ll do. Dying’s out, that’d be a slap in the face to her memory. Right now I’m just broken and listening to songs that remind me of her. If you have any suggestions I’ll be happy to take them.
I’ve been struggling with my depression for years but it’s never gotten this incapacitating. In the past year I’ve spiraled downwards, anxiety striking every chance it gets, invasive thoughts running wild any time I wasn’t able to distract myself. The only thing that kept me sane has been my girlfriend. The most amazing, down to earth, just perfect person I’ve ever met. I was ready to marry her, I’d give my life for her. We were doing great (or so it seemed to me) until spring break trip where I was forced to go with my family and have the worst time id had in […]
I woke up this morning and I immediately thought about taking up sewing or doing polymer clay crafts. I think I will. I need something to distract my mind. All I want in the day is for time to pass. I don’t really want to live, but if I have to stay awake I might as well do something to quiet my thoughts.
Hello. I think I’m running out of steam. I just don’t really care anymore. It’s a hassle to get up in the morning, I stopped talking to a lot of people, my grades are starting to slip (yes I’m in high school), my teachers and other students are getting visibly frustrated when dealing with me. I just don’t really care anymore. I try my best to put up this front that I’m fine, but I’m starting to lose motivation for that too. It’s starting to show, and I can’t afford another freak out and get sent back to therapy. I’m tired. And I feel shitty […]
So my family think I’ve either gone completely insane, or I’m on drugs. This energy and hyperactivity hasn’t gone away – in fact, it’s getting worse. My sleep is also next to nonexistent. I can’t slow down my speech, and I can’t stop moving around.
I got this sudden urge to go to the beach, and so I made my stepdad take me since I wasn’t allowed out the house alone – we went the beach at 9:30 at night. And I literally did a karaoke in the car in the way home again – I have also decided I’m rebuilding hospitals to give them all […]
I’ve have slept through three alarms, miraculously I’m awake relatively early in the morning.
I’ll lay here, on my sleeping bag, wool blanket, yoga mat combination for an hour at least.
Neglecting all needs.
Half ass wondering what has sucked pleasure from my life and has left me a husk, a shadow of my former self.
Until I stop carrying and I day dream of much more entertaining thoughts.
Like, wouldn’t it be nice;
If I woke up in an alternate world.
Woke up in a game.
Or not at all, and instead of day dreaming about life that could be… Oh fuck it, you’re stuck.
Stop […]
For as long as I can remember, I didn’t think life was worth living because everything in my eyes was absurd, then I met a guy, started talking to him and he made me feel loved, he gave me a reason to smile again, But on October 20th I got word that my nephew had committed suicide. I hit a new low. I was at ROCK BOTTOM. Getting that news was paralyzing. I felt like my dreams were ripped from my very hands, torn, and thrown in my face. I started to shut everyone out including the guy who was my light for several months. […]
Hello again. I’m glad that there were so many welcoming comments. I think I will start to post daily now, just to feel better. You know what I find funny? How open you can be with strangers. Often I throw out random hypothetical scenarios to people to see what they would say. “If there was a five grenades on the table and only one was live, what would it take to make you pull a single pin?” Often I would get answers like all the money in the world or all the knowledge in the world. When they would ask me I would say maybe […]
What I did while in a dark ugly pit for four days:
— After not eating for a whole day, parked in the cemetery and listened to THIS until the sun went down. It’s my number one dark-pit-of-depression song because the warped ugliness is so obvious, and the video is bizarre.
— Took what I hoped was a lethal dose of Tramadol. Didn’t receive a lot of SP notice and ended up deleting the post, figuring I might as well go on my own. Also deleted the previous post about leaving a suicide note. No comments on that one anyway. Considered driving with a brain […]
I know
I know that my friends have other friends.
I know that I might be too busy sometimes or that I don’t always have a ride.
I know that I can be annoying, selfish, violent, moody, but I just want you to understand.
Understand that whenever I make a mistake, I think about what you would have done. That when people meet me, I think about how much better things would go if I were you. That even though I may seem fine, I just want to die.
I know that I’m awkward and don’t have as many friends as you. But it doesn’t help when you brag about what someone […]
So I have another decision to make …..to stay in lake tahoe..or..go back to park city utah… ether way I’m stayinf four months. I hated my life when I was in Utah but I will be away from my in laws for a few months or so and I’l be out lake tahoe were I see my life going no were.
Down sides ccomplete seclusion , crappy food. nothing to do but work and It will be just me and my husband .
Also after this four months my life will be up in the air MY husband dose not want to move back to Chicago ever […]
It’s fucking 7:11am in the NZ here I am woken up looking after my brother’s kids have to fucking do all the shit he would if he was here
Feed them cereal
Make my nephew’s lunch
Get them dressed into their superhero costumes
Have their bags by the door
The whole time I’m doing this make sure they don’t cause World War 3 or argue over a stupid felt/marker because they are currently colouring in, in their books.
Also make sure my niece doesn’t press the button on her Elsa dress that plays the whole song of let it go because I might be prone to pull my hair out….
I’m such […]
Mood – Numb.
Conscienceless in thought – Extreme low.
Mental – Cognitive.
Physical – Certain areas of my back, neck, and face are screaming.
Emotional – Someone hold me and lie to me tell me it is going to be okay.
So I had an idea to write to my disease and see if it could respond. I want to know what it wants… I do not know. I am 31 or 32 years old I do not even know without thinking and I currently can’t really do that for the fear it will make me worse off. Get fired from every job I get because I have an “authority […]
I’ve seen a bunch of therapists in the 14 years since I was first diagnosed with depression. None of them have been particularly effective. I guess that’s not surprising, given that I tend to use negative thoughts as a mechanism to avoid situations that are scary or tend to result in emotional pain. A therapist can give me a technique to challenge my thoughts or a behavior to lessen the power of those thoughts, but I’ve rarely tried any of them because I don’t actually want to challenge my thoughts. If I do, I know I will be likely to drag myself right back out […]
I swear my head feels like the fucking bomb in Enola Gay…
I got buried in over my head in appointments, deadlines and the likes during these last few weeks.
Coupled with that never-ending nostalgia feeling, it gives me sudden sharp pains in my temples.
I was literally one step away from having a complete mental breakdown today. I woke up, and as soon as I noticed the dawning sun on the early morning sky, I started crying… Instantly. I bashed my head against the bed several times until I spent the only bit of energy I had at the moment and just stayed like that for a […]
I was once a young, ambitious man. I loved smoking weed and one day I got some from California. It was really good and I sold a lot of it. Within 6 months, I was making about $2-3000 a week. I sold for about 5 years. I never had a job, just a full time dealer. Last year I spent 22k on plane tickets alone.
I would always use cash and avoid using my bank card and account, but I still managed to have 150k go through my bank account in the past 5 years. Plane tickets, for example, have to be bought on a card […]
First of all, I wanted to thank you for the awesome and kind advice I got from you, especially my gratitude goes to Suicidal Angel, because the advice I got from this person truly helped me. Thanks to her I was able to stay clean for 2 months and 2 days! It was a really huge achievement for me, and I couldn’t have done it without her advice I guess, so if you’re reading this (even though I doubt it) a huge thanks to you again! I’m not really able to express my gratitude to you and the other nice pieces of advice from some […]
I can’t handle this abuse I get from you anymore I’ve had enough you pick at me, you yell, you scream. Call me names do your worst punch me, kick me, slap me. It’s nothing I’m not use to. You always deprived me of my bed whenever you were angry at me made me sleep in the hallway sometimes the bathroom even in the garage. You punish me because of what others do to you. You have no guts to stand up to them yet what you do to me is what you should do to them but what you do and how you treat […]
Things have gotten better. They really have. Ive got a new job now, helping out an old friend, my depression has subsided and im ready to get off the meds now, and i barely hallucinate anymore. It used to be much worse. I wouldnt eat. I wouldnt sleep. Or i would sleep for days on end without water even. My heavy self medication with marajuana and alcohol has turned into lighter recreational use, and i feel like that previously impregnable barrier between myself and others has subsided substantially. I feel like a human being again. I feel successful even. But really, thats the problem. It […]