Empty is how I feel. Not empty in the sense of nothingness. I wish it was nothingness. It’s that empty that hurts. Like a flesh eating worm, it hurts.
It’s hard to put in words this feeling of mine.
I struggle to comprehend many feeling this way.
This terrible feeling goes beyond my gut. It crawls through my every being, like maggots on an open wound.
For over 12 years I have known this feeling. Sometimes this feeling reseeds into the background. Loo it is always there. Feeding, growing, waiting.
It waits for me to see hope, the swiftly drags me down again.
It knows […]
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in […]
Song by David Bowie.
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & […]
So let’s start from the beginning shall we? When I was just 2 years old my Mom broke up with my Dad and was cheating on him with my Step Dad (who I might add is an alcoholic). Ever since I was 5 I was mentally and physically abused whether it be by hitting me too hard to be classified as discipline or it be selling my own dog that I loved and cared for, while I was taking a nap. It only got worse from there. I never had any true friends. Only the ones that took advantage of me. But then I found […]
It’s not like I haven’t tried to speak my mind to, tell someone. In fact I have been hospitalized for my depression, 7 day lock up with medication and a councilor to ‘talk about it.’ But why did they believe me when I told them it was because of some random girl making fun of me for being gay and trans-masculine. I don’t know why I’m depressed, or why I panic when I’m near people or feel the need to just scream for no reason. Why did they think it was another person hating me when I was hating myself for not knowing why I […]
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi […]
One.
For the sadness that lies deep in my heart,
And for the freedom that’s about to start.
Two.
For the hurt I’ve felt for 6 long years,
And for those long nights filled with tears.
Three.
For the emptiness I always feel,
And for my soul that will never heal.
Four.
For the broken smile I always fake,
And for my joy that always seems to break.
Five.
For a life I no longer want to live in,
And for death to take over and win.
Twenty.
For my last breath I will ever take,
And for my eyes to close and never to wake.
– A.B
Just a little background information: The countdown are not seconds, or time in general.
All this stress from not wanting to be alive anymore, to fake friends , no real emotional support, my rape, my rape case going up into smoke and having to still continue living when my suicide attempt wasn’t successful has been weighing me down the whole year. Today for two minutes I find some kind of solace, or peace that felt was the closest thing to feeling celestial I could achieve (considering I don’t believe in God, heaven or hell). Then I find out then I’m about to flunk out of school and that numbing misery is re-injected into my soul to disinfect the small […]
Wow I haven’t posted anything in a while. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’m 17 now, not 13 and silly. When I think back what I was dealing with then seems so little, so insignificant. It’s funny how age and experience changes your view. I know, I know a 4 year age difference is not at all that big. But I feel like I’ve changed a lot and a lot has happened. They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but I’m not so sure anymore. I’m heavily depressed and I know it, I’m not in denial or anything but I really […]
i almost hate everything. and i’m most dissatisfied with all things.
but i had some frozen yogurt today with my two friends and it was the first day of school. i dislike being so young and feeling this way—everyone says you shouldn’t have to feel this way at such a young age?
but i realized after i sat down with the two of them and was looking forward to enjoy a small bowl of frozen yogurt, i had immediately thought that i’d rather be in my bed listening to some vast silence that i’ve come to love.
everyone was so nice and so kind and so was i. […]
Karla destroyed my heart, hopes, dreams & confidence so badly that I started working a song:
You told me you wanted to grow old with me,
You threw me a way like yesterday’s garbage,
You crushed my heart,
You destroyed all my dreams,
Now I cut with a knife and
it makes everything all right
You caused so much distress in my head that I can’t sleep,
Now I cut with a knife to make everything all right
I cut with a knife and it makes everything all right,
You’ve hurt me so much,
I can cut with a knife
and not feel any pain.
I’ve come to […]
Hi. I just wanted to get my thoughts off and just rant. Anyone else think the house is just a prison? Your parents just owners? Granted that depends on who you have as parents, so it begs the question, if they aren’t doing their job properly in raising a child, why even have one? Like why have children only to condemn them and never support or encourage them? I’m not asking much, there’s certain responsibilities they obviously need to fulfill due to the child’s inability to look after themselves, such as picking them up from school when they’re young. Other than that, anything negative that […]
tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she […]
My suicide note. I’m still working on it. I’m still waiting for help even though I know I’m only fake hoping. I don’t have a purpose anymore. Living is a torture every single day. I set myself a date. I planned everything. I’m pretty hopeless.
Anyways. Here you go, enjoy? I don’t know. Do whatever you want to do with this:
Hey. It’s me. I’m that shitty girl who killed herself because she’s a weak-ass depressed kid who’s only great at complaining and seeking for attention. You probably heard about me now, you’re probably gossiping about it. Anyways, I’m writing this letter because soon enough I’ll be […]
Sorta upset. Sorta not. Mostly disgruntled. Okay, I’m pretty upset.
Its my birthday in a few days.. April 15th. I’m turning 18. Having a dumb party and all that good shit. Which.I’m excited about, yeah. But after that I have to take my fucking GED test that I’ve been studying for for years now on top of regular high school. (Its a weird homeschool situation.) sorta upset I had to drop out. That my high school diploma I would get if I didn’t drop out wouldn’t even count. Really upset that I have to take this dumb fucking test. I just want to pass. I’m so […]
I need to talk. I need to connect. This site confuses me. My family confuses me. My ex-husband confuses me. Life confuses me. Animals, spatial questions and geologic strata do not confuse me. But it would have been nice to have human connection instead of just the illusion of it.
There is a speech-bubble note 1 above and the content is “Cheatin’ uh? Sorry, you are not allowed to access this site”??? I am not a cheater. What is this? Another fucking mindfuck? I’m not such a bad person. I don’t deserve this. More importantly, I don’t understand this.
Alone on Saturday night as I have been […]
Life is empty and meaningless, and wrought with anger, pain and struggles for some. I don’t see what’s so “great” about life.
Wow… it has been over three years since I have been on this site. I found a new site I have been posting on more recently called inkvite. But I would like to take a step back and tell you my story…
As a child I had extremely bad separation anxiety but none of my doctors ever believed my mom. As I got old my mom noticed characteristics of ADD/ADHD in me and she tried to get me tested but no one would test me. She eventually gave up her fight.
As a middle schooler things started getting bad. I was always picked on and bullied. […]
..why the heck you were born?