Since my plans have been put into motion, I thought I would make one last attempt for help and saw my doctor today. Proscribed me 150mg of Wellbutrin to go along with my 200mg of Zoloft. Maybe the new drug will have an effect. Maybe I’ll quit smoking before I blow my brains out. Who knows! Better read up on this drug and see what i’m getting into.
Tag:
maybe
I rarely come on this site…but I think it’d be a good time to post to get a little off my chest. I don’t know how to feel about life right now. I feel so alone and just overall confused. I really am looking forward to the day where I truly love myself and feel at peace. I don’t even know how I’ve made it this far. I know I’m a shitty person to the people that really matter and who will always be there for me. I’m so selfish towards my family, yet I never do anything about it. Another thing that is just […]
ever have a day at work thinking that swallowing a bottle of pills would be a good afternoon snack? i don’t know what is going on with me . i want to be alone but yet being home alone is making me nervous these days. the thoughts are racing. and trying to get me to talk is like pulling teeth. i keep thinking i see something in my peripheral vision. add that to some new stressors in my life and its time to play will i or won’t i again. hey maybe i am just coming unglued. time to go back to my cell.
I’ve had a few good days. Better than before. The thoughts are still there. Who knows. I’ll just keep going for now. It’s strange to pretend this side doesn’t exist. Maybe this will go away eventually. I don’t want to think about it any more… Just feel better. Circumstances are changing…. For better or worse, we will see.
I wonder how many of you on here actually went through with it, part of me doesn’t want to, the thought, the idea of just not existing, used to haunt me. But maybe it’s because part of me always knew I wasn’t supposed to exist in the first place. I was a mistake, and not just to my parents, but to the universe. I have nothing to offer except making other peoples lives as miserable as mine. Every time I’ve ever tried, at anything, I have failed. And those closest to me laugh about it. They laugh when I hurt, that has to mean something, […]
I honestly believed I would never feel suicidal again or cut mysef, but lo and behold both started again today. Its been two years since I cut and 3 since my last suicide attempt. Also I was positive I would never feel like this because of a chick, but as im sure you can guess, that is the reason. It might be because I had to talk her down from suicide 3 nights ago. She just got “raped”, maybe(pathological liar), and i was the only one she wanted to talk to, I spent two nites with her just holding her. But we hadnt even seen […]
In the year 2010 I had two psychotic breakdowns and was forcibly hospitalised twice.
These were a direct result of my best friend and my partner turning on me, ganging up (with others) against me and leaving me in the ditch.
I kid you not.
The story’s too long. I haven’t the strength to tell it now. But yesterday with my new counsellor I managed to get it out somehow.
I no longer dare put my trust and faith in any human being.
I’m still haunted by the nightmare of that year.
I isolate myself. I’m still friends with my ex partner (because otherwise I would have basically nobody), though he […]
the pills I take deflect the pain. but it’s only temporarily. the darkness creeps back in eventually. it’s causing me agony.
the withdrawals are so bad
nobody takes me seriously.
when I cry for help, it’s just for a hug. I don’t want your pity, I want your warmth.
the pills saved my life you fucks – they maybe the reason my life ends soon but
they did more for me than any person can
So I swore I’d never post here again, that my last post about being tired wasn’t going to lead to another. That it was a one time venting thing. So why’m I here again? Good Lord, I don’t even know. Maybe it’s because I want to off myself, but am too afraid to do it. Maybe because I’m all talk, and just desire some kinda of attention, even if its just negative attention. Perhaps its a plea for help, so people talk to me. Maybe its so I don’t feel as miserable and alone. I created Tumblr for the same reason – as an outlet […]
Lately, I’ve found myself feeling more lonely than before but I really can’t complain. My eyes have been opened to many different observations. Right now, I’d just like to rant about one in particular. I can post a blog on here, and usually I get about 5-10 comments of support or people asking questions, etc. Point being, someone will reply. Maybe not right away, but someone will take the time to make an effort. I greatly appreciate it.
However, most people in real life have friends or at least concerned aquaintences..right? Majority of people…So, over the course of the past week or two, I’ve been getting […]
You know how sometime you wake up thinking for once it might actually be a decent day maybe even a good day. You have that unusual glimmer of hope. I got about 30 seconds of that. Most of my friends would say “its no big deal. So what your mom and her boyfriend got in a fight.” Back when i was little my parents fought all the time you’d think i’d be used to it. Especially the way my dad was. Strong with an uncontrollable temper and a jealous mind. In all honest that just makes it all worse. I wasn’t exactly “planned.” Im the […]
Is it worth me posting my story,I’ve had a pretty shitty life so far,and I’m wondering if maybe talking would help..
There’s a lot of things bottled up in my broken self.
“Why do you want to die?” They asked before I was forced into therapy. “Was it the deaths in your family? How bout your parents devorce? Or was it being taken away from your parents christmas eve at 7 years old?” Well no. I had finally pushed that back in my mind until it was brought up. Now that was almost 3 year ago and maybe then thats why i wanted to die but now idk why. Maybe the social anxiey and depression ive developed. The worthlesness and pain i feel deep inside because thats all i can cause others. pain. so as i […]
Crying each morning,
Crying all day.
Releasing the sorrow,
Releasing the pain.
Fight to wake up,
Fight to get out of bed.
Fighting the demons.
Inside my head.
Where do they come from,
Why are they there.
Maybe things would be different,
If someone would care.
Most look away.
It’s easier for them.
But I have a solution.
They will see then.
Maybe feel guilt,
Maybe feel shame.
Maybe feel something,
If they remember my name.
I haven’t posted on here in a while so thought I’d just give an update in the hopes it will maybe help others.
If you’ve read any of my other posts, you’ll know I was in a pretty bad way. I stopped sleeping and eating. I was in constant physical pain, had lost control of my bodily functions, was having hour-long panic attacks and constantly crying. I couldn’t go outside, couldn’t make phonecalls, could barely get out of bed. I would have meltdowns in public, screaming; had to have midnight trips to several hospitals. I was permanently shaking and on a massive cocktail of drugs […]
Why is everyone so obsessed with this world? As in this existence with earth and the solar system and our god?
Part of the reason I’ve felt alone for so long is because I never really felt like I was in the right place. I’ve always had a feeling like im not suppose to be in this world.I just never really belonged. im positive there are other worlds out there worlds with diferent planets and creatures and different gods.wanna know what my deathwish is?. When I die I would like for my soul to be taken to a completely different world…a different existence.I guess I […]
When I am upset or seriously depressed I listen to music. Hateful and sad. Maybe that isn’t the best thing to do but after I get passed all of the crying and cutting, and panic attacks, I feel great again. My mother saw my scars for the first time today. I have always been so good at hiding them. I can’t believe I was not paying attention. I feel terrible for that. It isn’t her fault. It’s everyone else’s. I really want to speak to her about it but I am so scared. What if she does not love me anymore. My father used to […]
Hi guys, it’s been some days.
I’ll confess I actually forgot about the SP for some days, and a few days ago I realized I hadn’t logged on in a while. I was kind of shocked, my shock suprised me. Does that mean I actually forgot about suicide for a few days? I did actually. No random thoughts, no dark voices, it had actually been a few peaceful weeks. But does it actually mean I forgot about it? I don’t think so, but it does show me that I can distract myself and have peace, and that makes me hopeful. I think I’m doing okay. I’m […]
I have been self harming for the last past four years and have been asking for help but no one wants to know so there fore tonight maybe the night I take my life I can not cope no more my life has turned upside down and need help coming back onto my feet but no one is willing to help me so y should I help myself.
254.
Two hundred fifty four days since I first made my decision. I went out that day with my rope to a nature trail that is rarely used nearby my work. One solid tree in the secluded woods was all I wanted. It was my birthday. I began walking down the trail, but slipped at the end of a wooden bridge, wet with the Autumn rain. I touched my head. Blood.
Weighing my options, I pulled myself up and headed back to my car. Where I fell was clearly visible by a nearby parking lot, so instead of risking the possibility that anyone that might have seen […]