I don’t think i can do this any more, i feel as if I’m just annoying everyone and that no one needs me any more which is true my father don’t even want to spend time with me any more. His started speaking in French so I don’t understand him when his talking to other family members but i understand what he says. Maybe leaving this wretched world will give everyone peace especially me. I can’t take the pain from being the mistake in the family, i mean i know i am the mistake it’s everyday i get told i am. I didn’t ask to […]
I usually stay up at night and question whether I have a future or not… honestly, I do not know. I am a failure. In my own family, people whom are supposed to love and protect me, I get abused physically, verbally and emotionally. I don’t know what to feel anymore because in all honesty, I can’t even love my own parents. I wake up everyday inside this madhouse and I’m slowly losing my grip on reality. Truthfully, I have lost all my respects for humanity. People can change, but they usually choose not to. Only the cruel and greedy ones ever win in this […]
Maybe one day,
people would be more careful to what they say.
Maybe one day,
we’ll find a better way to lessen the pain.
Maybe one day,
our hearts will be healed.
Maybe one day,
scars will remain.
Maybe one day,
life will give us reasons to live.
Maybe one day,
we can learn how to stand again.
Maybe one day,
we can find ourselves.
And maybe, just maybe
It can all happen one day…
I’m so sick of trying to live. I will never be okay. People keep asking what am I going to do with my life, why don’t you motivate yourself, why not do what makes you happy- Nothing makes me happy I just want to throw my body off a bridge. I find it so weird how most people just expect you to want to be alive, I don’t understand how anyone wants to live through all this garbage.
I don’t want to keep trying, I don’t want to be motivated, I don’t want to get to the “good” part where I have a wife and […]
I think they are a waste of time unless you have very specific grievances to name. Nevertheless, I caved in and wrote one so maybe my dad won’t feel as bad…
“I know you love me, but you can’t force someone to stay alive just to make yourself (any of you) feel better. This did not happen because I need to take more antidepressants. No, it’s not because I need more vitamin D. No, it’s not entirely about Bryan. NO, this was not a rash decision I would take back. Do you know the lyrics to the M*A*S*H theme song?
Thru early morning fog I see
visions […]
It won’t leave my head. Maybe writing it on here will give me a bit of a rest.
Before my neighbours eventually managed to finally kill my brother, they had been trying for a few year.
In 2013, after yet another harassment from them when I was coming back from school, my mother told my brother about it. Of course, it pissed him off. He decided to confront them and ask them exactly what they wanted from me.
I was not home that day. When I got back, things were upside down, and there was so much blood. My parents were not at home. They had taken my […]
If I were to do it…
By it, I mean take my life.
The plan would be creative,
Elaborate…
Full of spite.
With some rope I’d hang,
My feet still touch the floor.
Not enough to asphyxiate,
Just to numb the core.
A gun fixed behind me,
With pulleys and cables to the door.
So you can be the one to kill me,
Like so many times before.
Maybe then you can feel me,
Through my blood upon you face.
Maybe then you’ll see,
The folly of your ways. . . […]
Idk if i miss you. Or rather idk if i miss the person i stopped talking to. You weren’t the same person I fell in love with. You had such a major impact on my life that no matter what i do I’ll always know it wouldn’t have happened without you. But you went from lovingly warm to ice cold. I didn’t waiver. You went from open and honest to distant and duplicitous. You pushed me away but […]
pushing through the days somehow ignoring that nasty voice in the back of my head(sometimes at the forefront) that says I should die, that death would be easier, that death is sweet, that I should cry until I die. I’ve gone to the doctor lately who tells me she’s concerned about my weight gain and my liver. I googled diets that could help my liver and maybe i won’t drink as much anymore but im so sad and there is so much liquor in my fridge/freezer.
I’m at work pushing back the tears because they won’t help. I bumped into a friend from college and another […]
Nothing big. But I thought it was kind of nice and serene, and wanted to share it. Maybe somebody will get something positive out of it.
Edit: Realized that is was very small. So here it is zoomed it, if that helps.
HEAVEN and HELL. Are they real? Does GOD exist? I was raised a Christian so all of this should be real to me with no doubt. I do believe in God. I do believe in heaven and hell. And maybe that’s why I’m so afraid? So afraid to like what I like, do what I want to do, dress how I want to dress, and be who I want to be. So much so that I’m ready to just end it all. However, being Church of Christ, if someone commits suicide the consequence is eternity in hell. So what is my way out? I have none. Other than to pretend that I like to […]
A few days i bought a whole lot of supplies for my exit & wrote on here that I would soon be leaving. For anyone following that post I am still here (obviously).
I decided to go and visit my mother for the night before I committed suicide. I was still convinced that now was the right time but during the night this really weird thing happened…..
I woke up during the night as i thought i heard my mum out in the hallway. I tried to sit up in bed and call out to my mum to ensure she was alright (she was […]
(yeah it might be silly to include a trigger warning on a site about suicide, but this is a little outside of the normal realm of discussion, and i don’t want to ruin anyone’s day by triggering them.)
i’m thinking about buying cigarettes. i’ve never smoked one in my life, but suddenly i have the urge to. i think it’s because self-harming (i.e. cutting and/or beating) isn’t helping anymore, not like it used to. usually when i self-harm, my urge to kill myself lessens, loses its edge. but this time, i feel the same. i still feel like the floor is coming apart under me, like […]
Don’t wanna talk negatively
everyone tells me to be better. to be a functional human being. to be normal. is it so hard for them to see i can’t? what normal person sleeps constantly, isolates themselves in their room, goes the whole day without eating or speaking to anyone?? but they think it’s because i’m lazy, selfish. normally i am not one to feel sorry for myself regarding my mental illnesses, but they fucking exist. they exist, and they’re crippling me right now, but instead of anyone trying to help, they demonize me and wish i wasn’t such a burden on them. don’t they understand i stay away so […]
Things
I have done terrible things
Things to make you shiver in the dark
Things that make even my own skin crawl
I want them back, to take them away
I hurt others, so badly I cry
It wasn’t me! I scream
It was them! I can’t help it!
Please, you have to believe me
The things that lie in wait
To rip me apart
To make me rend and tear
As they watch
It’s the demons that lurk beneath the skin
The ones only freed by razors
Death is to begin again
Right?
They beg me to stay
I beg them to let me leave
I don’t want to hurt you anymore
I don’t want to make you bleed
No you must stay
You must endure
You […]
I let back in the most beautiful demon. He took all my trust, stability, emotions, happiness. But he came back and I floated up to the surface. I felt like living so he played his role and left and took the last piece of me that was clinging to my shell. How do you hold on when you can feel feathery oblivion right beneath your feet? How was I supposed to love myself when I watched everyone find nothing worth loving in me? I want to be back amongst the living but its too hard. I thought maybe it was all a test of my […]
Why am I back here? I suppose I’m afraid. Afraid that it’s all just empty. All the crap I fill my mind with to keep me going. It’s all just illusory. Most of it’s fantasy, and what isn’t is hollow.
And maybe sensing this makes me afraid. Because maybe humans need to believe in goals to survive and thrive. Maybe we need to believe that this one thing we’re focusing on will make everything worthwhile. Because if we lose that belief, then why do anything? Why not just lay down and die?
Apathy is a threat to survival. Maybe that is why I’m afraid.
It’s pretty late where I’m located right now. Normal people are sleeping. I should be as well, although I can’t seem to do that at this time. I need to get up for work in about three hours, and if I don’t do that, this day is going to be long, no doubt.
Do you ever feel like the silence is the loudest thing around? I’ve moved to a new area, and hardly know anyone. Sometimes I wish there were someone out there, maybe like a radio Dj, that one could listen to at these odd hours of the evening, and just let everyone know […]
Not even here. I was contemplating sui before and sometimes I think of it. But I feel like I don’t relate anymore. I don’t know if I should even be writing this. I don’t think I should be here. But can’t rule myself out just yet. I obviously need or seek help and guidance but, maybe. Why can’t I be normal like I used to be. Just pull myself together like before. I have a hard time reading others’ posts because I don’t know if I’m going through anything other than self pity.