I hate him.
I hate his stupid smile.
I hate his fucking dimples.
I hate his muscly arms, his toned torso and his thighs and calves,
I hate the way my tummy flips when i think about his voice,
I hate his fucking voice, how soothing it is, how it makes me want to dance every time i hear it
I hate how much he makes me laugh and smile, how he understood my humour when no one else did
I hate how comfortable yet on edge i felt around him, like flying in the air but being spun around at the same time
I […]
Tag:
Memories
It’s these days, where I lay in bed and think about my life and how it has turned into a nightmare over the passed years. All time long everything seemed fine and I had my own perfect little world. In the beginning this world was build up by my best friend whom I met in the elementary school nearly 13 years ago for the first time. Since then we were the greatest friends. We both didn’t have many other friends, it was just the both of us, just like Tom and Huckelbarry. Well every perfect story has it’s downside. The one of this is, […]
I’ve been really thinking about everything that’s happened to be and what might happen to me lately I kinda just want to get everything that’s happened to me out there. I’ve never actually told anyone my whole life story before. I don’t expect this to get me any comments or any views for that matter, I just want to get if off my chest. It kinda explains why I am who I am. Well, I guess I’ll start from the beginning:
When I was 2 months old my mom found out my dad was on some serious drugs. He actually dealt drugs. Every kind you could think of, he had. As soon as […]
I threw everything into the river, everything that represents him. A gift for valentines day he gave me, a bracelet, a love not, a comb he left at my place, only little things which I still had. They had to go. I went, I threw them one by one, banishing the memories that they were bound too. Then the last thing, the box.
I call it the box to those who actually care, that know about it. The box is about 20cm by 7cm by 5cm, small, brown, smells of worn perfume and nights out. Inside, 4 blood soaked tissues, a pair of scissors, a suicide […]
Lately I wish I could just disappear and be erased from everyone’s’ memories. I hate how everything is going, but I don’t even dare to try to attempt something. It would hurt people a lot, especially my mother who has been in a battle with cancer for almost two years. I try to be optimistic, start the day and keep in my mind that things will get better… I’m 25, and I haven’t done anything with my life. I’m tired of trying and not making anything happen, just one failure after another.
sometimes silence can’t be undone.
I sit quietly and close my eyes.
I hear the world about me whir and buzz from a distance.
TV announcers raising their voices
debating this and that, arguments and choices
I wonder about the relevance
Of the questions of mice and men
inquiries abound, relentless in their prevalence
I grasp at them desperately, floating mid-air.
Always above my head
They fly by, with me unnoticed.
They tell me, that the answers to all my confusion
are just a step ahead, just a wisp away
But always my battles, end with Pyrrhic victories
Losses more than gains, condemned to mere memories
And…just
Just;
Just when I […]
It looks like I survived the most powerful suicidal thoughts attack in my life that I had for the last week and a half. I’m not sure if that’s good. I’m just too weak, to do it I had to delete all the pictures of the girl I love from my computer, delete all traces of her so nobody would bother her after I’m gone. I couldn’t do it, I just can’t. I can’t let her go.
I’m back to escaping from everything into my head, fantasy worlds. I don’t really want it anymore because the thought that one day I will wake up and instead […]
The black ominous shadows loomed up and faded away as I ran through the halls of what seemed to be a dungeon.
Up a head a figure sat in a curled ball against the dingy wall, as I approached I saw her bruised eyeless face “ indulgeo quis is has perfectus tamen nunquam alieno “ it hissed at me.(forgive what she has done but never forget)
Spasm’s of pain racked my body as memories forced there way into my head.
My torso convulsed as more waves came upon me, worst than the next,its like standing on the bottom step and having throwing knives hurled down stairs.
But no matter how […]
All of the beautiful lies.., all the empty promises.., ignorance and stupidity bringing me to lay in my mistakes. Unable to run,, nor hide. Suffocating in fear. Closing my eyes, unable to protect me or hold me tight. Tears rushing to satisfy my pain. The cut that wanted to make me forget.., only bringing more memories. Stuck in the past. Unsure of the future. Slipping through the cracks. Surviving but not living. Always miserable and never happy. Don’t worry little butterfly.., life gets better.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always had this nagging thought in the back of my mind. This thought that life is pointless and tiresome. I don’t remember much of being a child. It is as though I was someone else before I became a teenager. Photographs are life’s little moments captured in a stillframe and frozen. Looking at childhood pictures bothers me, because I feel as though I am looking at someone else. I feel as though the pictures are supposed to make me recall the moment in the photo. But I don’t. I don’t remember dressing in the clothes I am […]
do you enjoy starting drama? i cant love my family because all they want to do is start drama because its what you thrive on. my father hid me and my sister from the world just so we wouldn’t end up like them and now we have terrible social skills, shes doing better than me though, i cant make friends because when i try to reach out to people they think im creepy or weird. all the people that supposedly love me keep treating me like dirt. i cant find my way and i just dont know what to do anymore but look back on […]
Every bad memory is replaying.
Replaying in my mind.
Over and over and over.
Like my mind is set on rewind.
Like my mind is set on repeat.
Why can’t these terrible memories just go away?
These memories are destroying me.
They are breaking me down.
They are making me weak.
Making me hurt.
Making my whole body ache.
I want to push the eject button.
I want it all to disappear.
hello my name is stan,im a 18 yearold highschool student, the thing that ment the most to me in my life was taken away monday , my gf or i guess you could say ex gf (whos name will not be said) she was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver in the rain at around 10 pm we were dateing since 5th grade we were both seniors. she was the love of my life we were engaged i was gonna marry this amazing beautiful women she helped me with everything she made me who i am today when ever i was doing […]
Oh , night you beautiful ,
when darkness is growing
over the Carpathians.
Eternal melody that awake
memories from past and dreams.
This is my deastiny – darkness eternal
Cold night embrace me in her beauty ,
when freezing mist drift
over Transylvanian woods
that my body loses all senses.
Rain into the darkness falls like blood
from the sky on the cemetery where drain.
Eternity , ilusions and dreams –
recognize salvation.
Is light of life thet dying in me.
Is ice of sorrow the crystal in my eyes.
Fate of death and salvation tonight
I hear sing.
Have you ever had a moment where you’re just thinking, not about anything in particular.. and those innocent thoughts take a nasty turn? Next thing you know you’re talking yourself out of hurting yourself. Moments of insanity I like to call them. When something in your head shifts ever so slightly and everything you’ve stuffed and hidden inside for twenty years tries to get out? It over loads the brain and you just want to make it stop. You’d do anything for the memories and the pain to leave.
I’ve never been able to fully tell anyone the whole story. Why not a bunch of random […]
There is this man who once abused my sister at age 13. This man had never laid a hand on me. Then one day, my sister did something that got her sent off. This man had no one to take his anger out on… he wouldn’t touch two innocent young boys, or a fragile schizophrenic mother, no he went for me, the broken, depressed child. This man has called me many things, *****, dumb ass, liar, mother fucker, slut… This man one day got mad and took me and slapped my face, then slammed me up against the wall, which was with such force […]
i’m bryana, 16. i may seem like the happiest girl around, always smiling when i’m around people, trying to make people laugh constantly, but when i’m alone in my room all i do is cry and secretly think about how i’m going to kill myself..here’s my story, well part of it. i used to be the biggest tomboy ever, i’d play baseball even played peewee tackle when i was in third grade. i had so many friends and was soososooso happy all the time. even in middle school it seemed like everyone just wanted to be my friend as if i could do no wrong […]
Normally when I have a flashback or nightmare I write about it in my journal. Today I decided to post about it on here just so that I don’t have to keep this mess hidden inside me. This is hard for me to write about so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make too much sense.
I don’t usually have good sleeps, some nights I don’t sleep at all. I’m terrified of the dark in fear of my abusers getting me. Last night I dozed off, I didn’t fall asleep, just went into a trance to try to calm myself. Around 10am this morning I was triggered when I […]
I guess I should start with a statement of “I know that I”m a really lucky person, and life, while not perfect, had been nice to me.” I am born in a really developed country, and have so many benefits that many other countries doesn’t have. I am gifted and loved by god in many ways (learned how to read a language through watching TV, drawings that had won numerous awards and got me a 60,000 scholarship money, performed dance for the Winter Olympics, top three in my school, an hourglass figure, decent face, and healthy body with no mutations…etc.) But I don’t see a […]
hi. ive been chatting one guy for over a year. we are from different countries. he has invited me to come, so i did this, as i had an opportunity… we fell in love, but then i had to leave him for my country. while i was at his place, we were discussing our future etc. he promised to come to my place. i was crying so much while leaving him, but i hoped for the best because im mostly an optimistic girl. but when i was home, he just went crazy. he told me he didnt wanna live and contact me . then he […]