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Tag:
my life
I don’t know what I’m looking for from this, a place to get everything off my chest to hopefully clear my mind. This is going to be a long post.
I’m 17, male, currently attending a school that specialises in Mathematics, I’m studying Mathematics, Further Mathematics, Physics and Computer Science for my A levels. I have links to a cyber security firm who will give me a scholarship and put me through a computer science degree should I choose to go to university. I also have a huge interest in nuclear energy and want to see if I can get a job in that field. My […]
I can’t help but want to scream when the memories of this day flash through my mind, as if they were not memories, but annoyed spirits. They fly around inside of my head, touching every aspect of my mind, looking for the slightest excuse to gain control and make my life a living hell. They seem to be a sentient thing, a personality outside, and yet within, myself. Made specifically to destroy me, and gruesomely efficient at their work. Perhaps, if they truly are sentient, they enjoy their work, and that is where their almost deadly determination and efficiency originates from.
They hurt by reminding […]
Today, as I wracked with sobs, hiding from my parents and my visiting friend, never have I ever wanted to be dead as much.
I am so angry-sad that, in the first time I can remember, I was so close to being truly happy only to have it snatched away literally weeks before it could’ve happened. I could’ve been not depressed (or significantly less so) and still be engaged to the woman I love. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Even after everything I’ve been through, this might be the worst. Maybe because I was so close to being happy, that it was actually attainable. […]
I’m here not for any confessions just to tell about me to this world and if even one person agrees who I am that’s enough for me
I’m a 20 year middle class boy who has faced many troubles infamily…from childhood days I have never seen my fathers love towards me he keeps on shouting and pin points a very small mistake to a large one.. I will be beaten up when I dont obey my fathers words for even a silly thing and my mom doesn’t even raise her voice against my father she reacts like “whatever my husband does is correct bcoz he is […]
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Seriously the days are getting so hard :(. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so sick of pretending to be happy and doing what I am supposed to. I know my life isn’t going to change. Tonight it took almost everything I had to not just run away and hide and start over alone. Seriously I have like no friends. No one to talk to and I am so sick of being alone and having no one when I need them. The only voices I hear are on tv. :(. I don’t know how long I can live in this sucluded life.
My life is like a roller coaster, it has it’s ups and downs, parts were I scream and parts were I feel safe. But if it’s one thing I learn I’m the maker of that roller coaster, I chose what happens good or bad. So I can’t really blame people for my mistakes. I’m the maker of what goes on in my life. If I want things to go right I must go up my roller coaster instead of down. I have to change how my roller coaster is, I can’t have it going down no more. I have to be a new […]
Apparently I post on this site every 6 or so months when my suicidal ideation hits an all-time high. Funny how that coincides with the schedule for final exams. Today I actually wrote down a step-by-step checklist for everything I need to do in order to kill myself, including all of the necessary preparations regarding my belongings and funeral arrangements. The list is remarkably coherent and logical despite the fact that I wrote it during an intensely hysteric episode.
I already tried to stop myself from ideating and plotting. I read those “X Reasons Not To Kill Yourself” lists and the like, but I found it […]
I feel incredibly alone. I have no meaningful connections in my life. No one who knows who I really am. Because who I am is not ok. And I don’t know how to change it so that it would be ok. How to change what goes through my mind. And so I have to hide myself. Even from myself most of the time.
I want so desperately not to be this anymore. To be free of it. To be free of myself. But then there would be no me to be free. Is an end to all experience preferrable to this hole inside me? I guess […]
I made this video so people could understand a little bit about what I’ve been through. I’m in a position where I’m asking complete strangers for help. Literally no one gives a fuck. I’m about to lose everything. Everything I’ve done on my own at least. Nothing ever works out. So I’m about to get kicked out of school and I asked for the funding I need on go fund me. So far I’m the only one who’s donated which is sad right? And I get it, but between the video and the go fund me page can anyone piece together how fucking desperate I […]
My friend came to visit; I invited him because I was so depressed and lonely. But now I don’t know if I can handle it. He tells me that “there’s so much more in life that’s beautiful” or other bullshit that I really am tired of hearing.
It’s not that I can’t get over my ex, at least enough to function- I’ve had about a decade of practice of being functional (at least the minimum) while being incredibly depressed. I think that’s one of the reasons my ex said that I was strong. Recently, she said she was the weak one in the relationship when I […]
I never understood how meaningful those words actually are. I never understood how much they meant to me until someone showed me they cared. In my mind they were just something that was said to someone to expand on their relationship with someone.
I learned it’s hard for me to love others. My two main friends, when they’re sad will text in a group text, and say I love you. The one who didn’t say it will always respond back the same, but I never answer. They’ve never brought up anything about me answering it. So I don’t know if they think something’s wrong with […]
I realized that I’m not living because I want to,or because I have hope that maybe tomorrow or a few days from now will be better….I’m only living because if I did kill myself it would make others lives worse,even though those lives I would be making worse by dieing are the same people who are making my life a living hell. I’m not here because I have hope or because I have a will to live….I’m just empty,but for some reason I still have to be here.
it hurts me that my family didn’t work out the way I wanted- I wanted to have a happy family and I wanted my kids to have everything. I always thought I’d be a great mom and ever since my first pregnancy life has been absolute hell. I have three kids now and their father passed away a little more than a year ago. I was ok at first but honestly the longer I go without him the more I want to die. I have no home or car. I stay with my kids all day to take care of them because that’s what I […]
I absolutely hate the whole “suicide is selfish” bullshit. I really feel that people are selfish for making me stay alive & suffer. Sure, they’re not forcing me to stay alive, but I’ve been given the guilt trip & all of that stuff. Pretty much everyone in my life knows that I want to die. Family, friends, doctors, etc. I’m rather open about it. I’ve made all sorts of promises, but I really don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve had various plans. Some halfhearted attempts. Most of my plans now are pretty full proof, but complicated. I just stumbled across a new […]
I think I drive my self crazy. Last night I woke up at 3:11am , I always wake at this time. The numbers are really significant . They say that angels are trying to reach to me to give me peace . Numbers freak me out . And math freaks me out . Newton invented math , BUT HOW THE FUCK IS IT SO PERFECT??? I was up to 7 am this morning researching shit on this . It makes me head hurt . Then I started researching more philosophical views on life . All these geniuses were depressed too . I think they knew […]
Today was really hard . I had to get through work without breaking down . But I think my sadness turned into anger today . I work at a smoothie bar/wrap place and I was trying to make a wrap and the tortilla kept breaking and so I threw it at the wall. I was so fustrated . And it was so busy. I hate serving people . Everyone is always in a hurry. I can’t wait to finish my dental assisting class so I can get a real job.
I wish life wasn’t so hard for me . I wish I had it easier . […]
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As the days go by, I only feel myself desiring to kill myself more and more. I loathe more, I argue more, I withdraw more. When things go wrong, its the only thought I have. When things go right, I remind myself that it wont last. I hate feeling like no matter what improvements I make, I’m still put down, I’m still living off others, I’m still worthless. When I try, I just find myself exhausted. All that ever brings me relief is to sleep and I think that’s only because its the closest thing I can do to death without actually killing myself. I […]