As the days go by, I only feel myself desiring to kill myself more and more. I loathe more, I argue more, I withdraw more. When things go wrong, its the only thought I have. When things go right, I remind myself that it wont last. I hate feeling like no matter what improvements I make, I’m still put down, I’m still living off others, I’m still worthless. When I try, I just find myself exhausted. All that ever brings me relief is to sleep and I think that’s only because its the closest thing I can do to death without actually killing myself. I […]
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my life
It’s been a week since I decided to tidy up my life and then leave.
its been a mixed week since. Stress like hell at work, but at least no conflict. A few nice thing like a dinner with my best friends, a Christmas dinner with my work colleagues ( who are all really nice), a beautiful moment with my son. I’ve got a gorgeous little pet parrot, and she’s very affectionate, and just about jumps out of her skin with excitement and joy when I come home from work
Yet the the pain does not relent. Even when I was with my lovely friends, I was […]
I am alive, I am alive, and that is the best that I can do
Golden-haired, golden-hearted; she was the most beautiful person I knew, and I drove her out of my life, out of my arms. “I can’t live without her” would be the appropriate, predictable thing to say, but the problem is, it isn’t even true. I can live without her. I know I can live through any pain, and I hate myself for it. I just want the peace that only comes with death.
Hey guys.I want to say that I am going to kill myself. The main reason is that I once was a Christian and after I’ve grown up I understood there is no god and after we die we cease to exist. I suffered from depression, despair and stuff. I want to kill myself because everything I believed and experienced was a lie. The thing is, you never asked to be born..you were just born. It is like giving someone a food he hates and opening his mouth with force for puting it in. Some have a incredible desire for continuing their lives, I don’t . […]
I feel weird.
Still grieving the loss of my fiance. Still feeling the anxiety and physical pain that comes with it. Still having moments where I feel like I can’t breathe because I think about her and how everything we had is gone. I alternate between feeling incredibly sad and angry. I miss her so much, she’s my best friend, but then I’m angry too, feeling so betrayed that she could even do this.
Then there’s the TMS. I only just started the treatments this week and everything I’ve read about it says that results aren’t seen until about three weeks in. And yet I feel different. It […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I went to the Buddhist center with my roommate and he was volunteering there and I was with a woman who is some regional leader that he’s close to and people were chanting for 2 hours. So I did the 2 hours of chanting then most everyone moved to the auditorium and even though we were just listening to people speak and not chanting, I had a vision that I’d live somewhere past 85 and I would always be alone, never marry, never have anyone, and never have sex again from this time forward. I didn’t think I’d be homeless and I don’t know how […]
I just need to vent.
All of a sudden, I feel this overwhelming sadness. I don’t even know why I feel this way. So, I thought I should try and look back at things I love doing. Trying to be positive. I find that I don’t really have something that I love doing. Except writing, maybe. Not even that is making things easier right now.
I started looking back into my life, trying to find something that gave me some peace. And where do my thoughts take me?
The Dissecting Hall.
This will make me sound so fucking weird. I loved that place. I respected those bodies. They gave […]
Every possible way to kill oneself comes with the risk of ending seriously messed up and worse than one was before. I am not depressed, I just want to die. I fucking hate existing. I have to suffer every fucking day. I feel bad for my mom and her pain but there is no point to my life on this pathetic planet. If there was a god, they’d have some fucking compassion for someone who genuinely needs to escape. Fuck. No one can understand.
Life is Temporary…
Death is Permanent…
My life is hell. Death looks like it can bring me peace.
So? Am I willing to temporarily go through hell when I can permanently be at peace?
I find my self not caring even more every day. What’s the point?
I don’t have any friends anymore . I’m practically alone . And at first I was scared but now I’m fine. I feel awkward being in public . I’m still really social , I just feel like people are judging me .
I find enjoyment in going on dates with other men. This is my secret . I done this so many times. i get to feel like the spotlight is on me for 3 seconds . But in the end none of these men make me happy . I don’t feel the need […]
but girls still like me???? I don’t get it at all. Whenever I am in class I just put on my headphones and bob my head and groove, even sing at times. \I also have a bit of social anxiety, yet I don’t know. I don’t get what they see in me.
I used to have times I was socially inept and a total loser, but I grew from all those experiences. I might still have a long way to go… But if you take care of yourself, and keep your mind strong then one day it’ll get better and better…
I am such a weirdo, that […]
Today at work I started to really feel bottomless sad, and the desire to end my life became once again overwhelming. But because of that recent lovely moment with my son, I actually had enough sense to not let myself sink further, but call my psychologist. Quite by miracle I got an appointment that very afternoon, due to a last minute cancellation. Usually the wait list is weeks long, unless it’s an absolute emergency. I take that as a good omen. And she is wonderful. I’ve been seeing her for years now, and she’s one of the major reasons I’m still alive.
Im just in my […]
So it turns out that I’m on antidepressants now, a weak dosage. It’s not doing anything and tomorrow this when I’m going to see my doctor who prescribed them to me to gain my dosage because it’s not changing my depressing and suicidal thoughts.
Right now I can’t stop thinking about slicing my wrists open and seeing my crimson blood run down my arms, the urge is too strong. It’s all I can think about and I hate it. I’m trying to fight through it for my best friend and my family.
I feel scared, hopeless, I don’t even feel like I’m in my own […]
So I’ve known for many years that something is fundamentally wrong with me. For the longest time I felt like it was just major depression. I thought maybe it just stemmed from my childhood, and the abuse I went through growing up. I also felt like it could be hormone imbalance as I have an under active thyroid and have to take steroids and hormones to make up for the lack there of. So I thought, maybe it has something to do with one or both. However I have sought help, and after about 6 months of feeling more like a number and less like […]
Step one of five has been completed. My death date is January 9th. The same date as my birthday. My first step was to leave school. Well technically I got kicked out/academic probation but I didn’t tell anyone that. As far as everyone knows (including my family) I’m transferring to another school. I couldn’t tell anyone that I’m getting kicked out. I’m not blaming anybody for everything I did wrong and why i didn’t do well. I just don’t know what happened. I was doing so well with school and making straight A’s for the first 2 years. And I don’t even want to blame […]
I called 911. I had the shitty day and night of my life but I survived.
I’m 30 now and still can’t Forget my father spanking me, pointing the gun to my mom’s head. My older brother and sister hitting me and hurting me, and other kids making fun of me at school. They hurt me so many times and then they ran away soon and I had to grow up as an only son. I cannot forget that I could not sleep quietly because he threatened so many times of starting a fire on our house and on me and my mom in the Middle of the night and Kill us both and himself right after. I can’t just erase […]
I wish I could be happy.
I wish I wasn’t a failure.
I wish my mom would stop telling me that I don’t make her proud.
I wish my dad didn’t walk out of my life before it even started.
I wish I was skinnier.
I wish I could stop cutting.
I wish I could die.
I wish I didn’t want to die.
I wish my existence wasn’t ignored by most people, even family.
I have a house, I just wish I had a home.
I wish things were different
But nothing will ever change
So I wish that when I kill myself, no one wishes that I didn’t.
Because if no one cared before death, then why […]
my life has got so much better. i love it. i got my first love back and everything is going amazing . so no more suiccide and I’m off this website bye bitchez. 🙂