My entire life I have suffered with depression. Iv never not known to be depressed. Both of my parents are hard-core alchoholics. They have been my entire life. I never had many friends growing up. I was a very ugly teenager. I had a big nose and severe acne. Now Im left with severe acne scars. I am a hideous human being. I look like a dam ogre. On top of that, I also have a chronic debalitiating disease. That has no cure. It leaves me in chronic pain. There is literally no hope for me. I give up. Im just scared to actually do […]
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pain
I always wanted to die laughing.. like the ending of of mice and men. Best case scenario for anyone.
I can’t remember a time I didn’t want to die. I remember being so happy that I should kill myself cause things couldn’t get any better… I’m a pretty happy guy in general, I find positives in negatives, I make people laugh it’s one of my favourite things to do is make people happy.
I don’t know where all the pain comes from. But the pain the sadness is all secondary to the fact of how pointless I feel life is. It’s like everything else I just want […]
I saw someone I know today that I hadn’t seen for a few years and they are and have been going through a much worse time than me.
They asked me how I had been and I lied and said ok because I felt guilty for feeling bad when their pain is so much greater than mine.
So now I feel sad for them, sad for my pathetic self that cannot handle things and angry that life is so cruel to so many people.
I can’t put the knife down.
I need a reason to live. Someone give me a reason to live!!
I love my mother. I love her so much, I don’t ever want to hurt her. My family is the only reason keeping me alive. But right now, I don’t really care about that. I’m too blinded by the pain, I just can’t take it anymore. I want to die so bad.
Cutting has gone this far. The pain doesn’t want to go away anymore. My heart is so heavy.
I cannot take this pain over and over again…
Life was starting to be fine for me after a while. Then I meet you and feel in love. Life was really looking up.
Then we started having problems. Found out you were a paid escort. Slept with thousands of guys. Found out you had been in the mental ward. Had autism along with some other fine side effects such as depression, bi polar and other things.
I tried to work past all of that even knowing you had been married 5 times before. Sorry to say I did not leave and stay gone when I should have.
No I […]
Why? Why is everything so fucking hard? I thought I was getting better. I thought my feelings and emotions were returning. I thought I was finally feeling human again.
But I’m not.
I don’t feel alive. I’m stuck in the middle. Between life and death. I was trying to choose life, but it’s not working. I can’t choose death. Not yet.
I want to die, but I can’t. I try to live, but it’s hard. Life never brings anything for me. Death is well within reach, but I can’t end it.
I hate being STUCK. I hate being TRAPPED.
When is the pain going to end?
I don’t want to cut […]
I have pain in both my legs and it’s making me very depressed…
Day by day I feel like a sand clock seen the day pass by so slow that I can’t even breath.
Since my grandoarents died I feel so empty that I can’t fight anymore I’m sick and I hate all the treatments. My mother day by day tell how much she love’s my brother and that she doesn’t expect anything from me. I hate these pain that I just want to die.
At the university I met my husband he is my best friend he wanted to take care of me so we married on august 20, 2015 on the civil court but he never touch me […]
Today is a day when the (physical) pain just won’t go away.
I’ve taken six doses of Tramadol in the past 24 hours and the hurt is still there.
(I don’t take Tramadol every day; it’s reserved for the worst days–like this– when the pain is severe.)
I took it on top of my other meds, so my whole brain is probably one big circus sideshow right now.
My head is blurry, I can hardly think, and I have spent the entire day in bed. Soon I will go back to sleep, again, if my body will let me.
I apologize if my comments on your posts have sounded weird […]
‘Suicidal people are made, not born’ was a post I saw once. But is that really true? When I was born, the doctor had to cut my mother open and forcibly bring me into this world because I had a failure to thrive. Even in that infantile state I knew I did not want to be in this world.
Several months ago I tried to kill myself. I took over 50 prescription sleeping pills and washed them down with alcohol. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to try to kill yourself and fail? This was not a cry for help or attention. My […]
Where is the sunshine?
The end of the pain?
Because I am damaged,
I can’t stand in the rain.
The skies have been dark.
The wind is still whipping.
How am I standing?
What keeps me from tipping?
Because i am damaged,
My limbs tatered and broken,
The life that lived in me
Is now slowly chokin (g).
The storm pushes on with violence and fury.
My leaves are all falling,
Like the snow in a flurry.
No where to turn,
No where to go.
Im beat up, run down, and standing alone.
Even in this forrest that i call my home.
Ive always been told “You’re full of potential”.
Things
I have done terrible things
Things to make you shiver in the dark
Things that make even my own skin crawl
I want them back, to take them away
I hurt others, so badly I cry
It wasn’t me! I scream
It was them! I can’t help it!
Please, you have to believe me
The things that lie in wait
To rip me apart
To make me rend and tear
As they watch
It’s the demons that lurk beneath the skin
The ones only freed by razors
Death is to begin again
Right?
They beg me to stay
I beg them to let me leave
I don’t want to hurt you anymore
I don’t want to make you bleed
No you must stay
You must endure
You […]
You stopped the pain from carrying on
This is why I’m sitting here writing this song
You lied to me and ended it this way
Didn’t even have the guts to say it to my face
You’re just a coward a twit
All you do is is make my teeth grit
Fuck off back to your own life
I’ll just go back to my one true love the knife
Im done with this. i cant take it, this is more than what i can take, ive been depressed too long, ive been pretending that im happy too long, ive been hating myself too long, im horrible in every way, in every way, im fat af, im ugly af, im useless af, worthless af, i have no hope on me, i lost my mind already, and no one notice, to be honest, no one cares, and honesly i dont care either… Im just waiting for death.
Yup. totally and utterly numb.
It feels like someone has turned off a switch in my head and switched on autopilot mode. I am doing daily chores, smiling and talking to family, going to work and coming back home, cook meals, and cut.
Its like a routine and for last two weeks I cut on my thighs (so that my hubby wont see) every other day just to make sure that I am still alive. The pain is the only reminder left of life.
Oh how I wish, this routine would include studying… I am at the verge of being thrown out of my PhD, both my supervisors extremely […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
In this moment i wish i could die. So all the pain and memories of pain could disappear. So id never feel all the anger and hatred and my needless existence could disappear. Im sick of seeing triggers everywhere. Im sick of society at large. Im sick of having little self worth. Im sick of being different. Honestly im only still here because i failed at suicide hundreds of times. Im alone and uneccesary. But that said im not going to attempt. Im going to get up and go to the gym and continue to do the best i can do. There is a part […]
Im not going to give up on you. Im hurt i feel abandoned but i still love you. I don’t want you to be alone. I don’t want you to cut off your support. Im going to give you and anyone else some veteran advice. Dont assume death when planning suicide. People survive gunshots and trips off the golden gate bridge. Rare but true. No method is 100 percent. To destroy things in order to make it easier on your suicide only makes your life worse in the high likelihood of you living. I say that to say this. You’re already alive longer […]
Because self inflicted pain and suicide attempts are addictive
written by Counting The Days Until I'm gone
Sometimes I scare myself. At first I don’t realize what I’m doing. I tend to change reactions and emotions quickly. I’m bipolar. When I’m alone and calm , I can control myself, until I experience episodes of anger and sadness. These episodes result in me cutting myself or swallowing 30+ pills, or just guzzling down vodka.
I’m having more frequent thoughts of harming myself lately. Its like I’m an addict who is in remission but is being tempted. My friends have tried with me repeatedly to get me to stop self harming but I just can’t
People just don’t understand that suicidal thoughts and self harm are […]