there are two of me. the rational and the irrational. the rational me realizes it all comes down to the money. it is what makes the world go around. if you don’t have it your needs and wants are irrelevant. the same can be said about any kind of healthcare. mental health especially. it was rationed out like it was going to break the bank. as long as those insurance checks keep coming all is well. the “rational” me is very cynical, she doesn’t believe there are better days in my future. it is at this point where the rational and irrational meld. the irrational […]
Tag:
point
I guess life never was that lively after all.
Everything feels so strained and useless.
I drag dulling razors over my skin, just for a taste of existance. Just to fucking feel. I need to know I’m still alive. I’m breathing but decomposing inside. I cannot see any point anymore. Better off taking some asprin and cutting in the bath. Because I’m completely over all this. I’m over blood clots, I’m over this numb base line seeping farther and farther each night, I’m so fucking over all of it.
It’s  almost to a point where I wish I was dead just to end the nothing. The deadness inside. So much pain. Pain is all thats left. Pain and more pain. I cling to the pain like a life raft. I’ve shut out to feeling anything else. Its like being colorblind. More like LSD. Pain is like LSD. The colors are brighter more vibrant when tinged in LSD or pain. Every other feeling is like normalcy. It feels dull. The world just isn’t as vibrant. Happiness doesn’t feel as happy. Its tinged. It feels like the difference between color TV and black and white. It’s […]
I’m so tired of everything. So tired. A basic run through of my life is expected I guess so here goes. My name is Shawn, and I’m a depressed loser who’s 15 and lives in Texas. My depression started when I was a little kid. I was exceptionally smart, to the point of having the IQ of a genius. For this, I was constantly picked on to the point where I had to hide bruises from my mum. In addition to that, I was touched as a child by my stepfather. All of this combined to become clinical depression, before advancing into MDD, MAD, DID, […]
Of any of it? We go to school for the first 1/4 of our lives, study and spend thousands of dollars out our asses, only to (generally) end up in some job that doesn’t even relate to our degree – if we even end up getting them!
We work for the majority of what’s left of our lives, assuming we live to the expected age of 80 or so, and then we spend the remainder of our days whiling away our time waiting to die anyway…
why not skip out all the bullshit and go ahead with it? We already know how the ending turns out anyway. […]
well before people were domesticated, before “civilization” people generally did not live far past their 30’s… In fact you’re 30’s were considered you’re senior yrs….
Maybe this was nature’s way of mercy killing, rather than be drug on to live through misery and you’re body breaking down, once it got to the age where you couldn’t enjoy the things you grew up doing anymore, nature decided to perhaps have a heart and let you go.
These days I hear older people constantly lying to themselves that “things aren’t that bad” just to cope with it. For some maybe it’s not, but for many it is that bad. […]
When you cant seem to sleep at night,
because the stress is just eating at your mind.
And you know, that this body of yours has taken such a toll.
I can no longer tell the difference of what is just in my mind and what’s reality.
Whether it’s from the drugs, alcohol, or lack of sleep,
I’m just 2 parts broken and 3 parts fucked up.
But I really wish they knew.
I wish they knew how I deal with it all.
And if they knew my last resort was the sharp point of my paintbrush.
If they knew I painted delicate lines on the […]
I always knew how things were going to turn out. I didn’t quite know when but I knew how. I knew that if something didn’t happen that caused my death, It would happen by my hands. I honestly do not have the courage to do it and I admire the people who do. I just thought that if things got bad enough, I would find the courage. Though I have not yet found it, I feel that I am close.
I am convinced that I am loosing it. In the past couple of years, I have just become such an angry human being that I have […]
I feel like somedays I can hide my depression, but lately I just can’t seem to send it away.
Apparently I’m a fake, wannabe because I try to be something I’m not, happy.
I can’t be happy, no matter how hard I try. It’s hard to not burst into tears in front of my parents,
in front of my friends. I just don’t want them to get involved, yet it’s all beginning to be too much.
I will deal with my problems; they can deal with their own. Even though I just want to fall asleep
and never wake up. Just so they […]
This world is a dreadful, putrid place, where parents destroy the hearts of children, babies are stolen and murdered, schools are shot to shit, people are belittled and berated, and innocent animals are tortured. I often ask myself what happened, why has the world come to this? And people don’t even take notice to the horrors of the world, it is like they are blind. They say ignorance is bliss and I suppose it is. I watch people and I think of squirrels, they run around so blissful and free, unaware of the impending doom of the approaching car. We are not blind. I have […]
Hello, this is Justin. I have been reading something’s here and there. I haven’t posted cause I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I found a couple different comments from people asking about me and looking for an update. Well I am alive. What happened was I didn’t go through with it. I called the police myself and they came over. The fire department took me to the hospital. I was there for a couple weeks. I have been out just over a month. I am trying. And that’s about it. I don’t want to get too deep into it all, […]
You’d suspect temptation to be caused by lust or just plain carnal instincts. In my case my cousin was the lustful desires I had. Yet the true temptation at the moment pegs from Nycolle the first girl I fell for. (Read my earliest posts for my deranged and mentally inadequate child in me) Â Onto the point at hand, I recently created a new facebook, found her on it after finding she blocked me. I found her on snapchat as well and here is where I consider things. Should I really risk messaging her again. It’s been over 5 years, why bother my childhood love? […]
After the best summer of my whole life I find myself back here for the first time in a couple of years. Kind of the only place I know to turn to when I really really really need people that understand to lend an ear…
Depressed lately… I just can’t be proud of myself anymore. I used to do really well at uni and now I’m in my final year I feel all the passion and spark I had for my major and my future has been snuffed out by the brutal machine they call the system. It just gets me down… I can study and […]
Sometimes i go through my day wishing i hadnt woken that morning. Life is a constant struggle and always seems to find a new way to throw another unfortunate event at my face. Ive been through hell and back to the point where i dont feel physical pain. Its like tyson could beat my face in and i wouldnt shed a tear. Its not until you criticize me with your words that i break like a twig. The amount of physical torture ive endured because you are so careless about others emotions. It seems u take advantage of every possible chance you get put me […]
Brief History: I am a 24 year old male. I have had Major Depressive Disorder since a very young age. I began to have suicidal thoughts around the age of eight years old. At first it scarred me because my life seemed to be perfect. I was adopted into a loving caring wealthily family who supported me in every way. as time went on I saw numerous therapists, and continued to go to school. I was miserable but still had some hope that it would turn around. I had friends and was playing varsity sports and seemed on the outside to be fine. even made […]
I’ve faded down to the deep blue abyss what’s the point the voice in my head says. I’m too nice I don’t speak my mind I cut to get better i take pills knowing they make me worse I’m just waiting for the last thing to hit
shall I do it soon or later? will you miss me when I’m gone or will you be pleased? tell me before its too late, I don’t get it no more will you build me up just to break me again like the old times? Am I a play thing to you because I’m your daughter I’m not like the others I’m different then her just because I grew up idolising her doesn’t mean i am her, it doesn’t mean I will be her it just means I looked up to her courage. I’m my own person now I’ve grew up a lot I’m not […]
when that feeling of when your 14 years old and your mother speaks about you to everyone but in the most hatered way as if shes helping saying that it would be better if i was back in care well ya know what mother why the fuck did you allow me back in your house when you know im different then the others in our family when i need your support but you just tell your friends and family im incampable of even looking after my self, so what i have a boyfriend and i dont wanna stay on this shitty holiday because your always […]
I was on my way home from a rehearsal on Saturday evening. I wasn’t having a particularly bad day but it wasn’t great either. I don’t know why, but I just became overwhelmed with feelings and all the shit that’s been going on lately. I hate it when this happens. I’ll be completely fine one second and then the next I’m bawling my eyes out or I’m so angry that I start hitting things or myself. i don’t understand why this happens. it’s scary because I was literally standing on the platform at the train station waiting for the train to come so I could […]
I cannot fathom the thought of love.
There was a moment 2 years ago where I experienced intimate love for the very first time. At that point in time, I felt like I was on top of the world – but, when after almost 7 years, you’re world decides it wants to move on, you are left broken and cold – it all changed.
Although my love towards this individual has only changed from intimate to platonic, it becomes a ride of anxiety-fear-hope-annoyance, because it has been 2 years since we’ve seen each other; 6 months since we’ve emailed each other; I am waiting to hear from […]