Despite the fact that I hate Christmas, I was somewhat having a reasonably okay day yesterday. That was until my biological dad decided to harass my mother and I during the afternoon. After not hearing from him in 6 months, he sent awful messages to us about how I’m a disappointment and useless (after understanding how bad my mental state is when he first got back into contact, he decided he couldn’t cope and thought it was best to tell me how he’s better off without someone as ‘insane’ and ‘unstable’ as me). After getting no response from myself and minimal from my mother, he […]
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I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since I was 16, so 16 years now. I accepted I would have good times and bad times. I accepted I would be dependant on drugs to be okay.
What I didn’t accept was that I would get sick two years ago, to the point where it was either take drugs for my illness, and not for my bipolar disorder, or the reverse. I didn’t think I would be this sick for this long. 7 months ago, I got out of a nasty 2 year relationship. He was awful. But I tried to kill myself because if he couldn’t love […]
I feel bad for telling people how I feel . Most say that I am too much , and that they cannot handle it .
God I wish I just had someone to sit with me and that would let me lay in their lap and cry .
I can’t even talk about my suicidal thoughts and it kills me .
I wish I could leave this life, I just want to see things more beautifully .
I want to wake up and see the sun and trees and birds outside and feel happy to be alive . I’d rather sleep , and that’s all the energy I have […]
I’m a really shitty person. I don’t feel like I’m salvagable at this point. There isn’t a future version of me that should be able to be happy. Some people really should just die, and I feel like I’m one of them.
I don’t want to die. But it feels right, to a part of me. By continuing to live, I’m resisting the recognition of who I really am, and what should happen to me. I’m making the world worse, just by continuing to be in it.
The thought of a world without me in it is appealing, even though I wouldn’t be around to enjoy it. […]
Been lurking on this site for a while. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was about 12. I really struggle to make it through the day because the thoughts are so bad . Probably sounds pathetic but my appearance is the main reason I want to die it’s become really hard for me not to check myself in the mirror frequently am especially self conscious about my hair which to me always looks crap no matter how hard I try , even when I get it done by a professional it still doesn’t look good enough to me. I have been to […]
Sighs recently i guess I’ve been doing anything to feel honestly now I’m just a piece of meat when i look in the mirror, first i did nothing but cut then i got to the point where i don’t feel it anymore it feels good sometimes, sex made me feel good so i had as much as i could get but now i just feel dirty and used (yeah guys can feel that way) and now i don’t know what to do ive cut as much as i could fit without it being too obvious now I’m just tired all the time recently I’ve wanted […]
I watch everyone’s days go on around me. I feel like in stuck in time. Depression has slowed me.
I feel even when I sleep for hours, I do not feel rejuvenated. I don’t feel good.
Even when I have the least bit of confidence, it soon diminishes after a few seconds.
I feel content for moments at a time. Yesterday I felt the warm sun . I was happy. But that feeling soon disappeared.
I think it’s hard to get better. Nothing seems to have a point. I don’t feel like there’s any reason to be alive. I don’t think my life has meaning at all.
I wish […]
Apparently I post on this site every 6 or so months when my suicidal ideation hits an all-time high. Funny how that coincides with the schedule for final exams. Today I actually wrote down a step-by-step checklist for everything I need to do in order to kill myself, including all of the necessary preparations regarding my belongings and funeral arrangements. The list is remarkably coherent and logical despite the fact that I wrote it during an intensely hysteric episode.
I already tried to stop myself from ideating and plotting. I read those “X Reasons Not To Kill Yourself” lists and the like, but I found it […]
I wake up in the morning feeling anxious. It gets so bad I feel physically ill. This causes me to miss a lot of work because I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything, and I’m not feeling well. I miss work from this, plus the days I’m sick from other reasons. So it adds up. T and Z believe I’m faking because I can appear fine today and be out tomorrow and come back the next day. They don’t know it’s from anxiety though. I just tell them I’m sick. They wouldn’t understand if I told them the truth. You could tell me to […]
About to commit. That point of no return, where you send out the letters and emails. A Skype video message for my wife. Then its 24 hours to complete the deed. Should only take a few. What a sad way to end. To answer so much pain, by causing pain, to avoid pain. Not at all how I saw things going. Such a shame.
I’m breaking. I’ve reached breaking point.
If I don’t talk to anyone about this, I will lose this battle. But I’m scared. I’m so scared to talk to anyone in my family. As much as they understand what I’m going through since they are going through the same thing, I doubt they do. (Not sure if that makes sense.) They will just tell me to tough it out like they always do.
Well… I’m so tired of being tough. I’m tired of having to pretend I am strong. I am so weak right now, I can hardly put up a fake smile. I can barely get […]
When i was 9-10 years old, i got my first computer, and since then i began to ignore my friends and school. Even though I play video games all day, I suck at them. My family use to know me as a “computer expert”, but when they asked for my help, they see how incompetent I was at solving their problems. i don’t have any friends, i’m so stupid, i don’t even know the multiplication table, i can’t even write simple essay,i’m so lazy and bad at everything.I’m a big failure. I think of suicide everyday since i turned 17. Every time i look down from the […]
Every possible way to kill oneself comes with the risk of ending seriously messed up and worse than one was before. I am not depressed, I just want to die. I fucking hate existing. I have to suffer every fucking day. I feel bad for my mom and her pain but there is no point to my life on this pathetic planet. If there was a god, they’d have some fucking compassion for someone who genuinely needs to escape. Fuck. No one can understand.
This day turned out great for me. At first, i don’t really believed that this whole “Team Building” event thing won’t help me to find my happiness. But surprisingly, it did. I felt so happy because i have my friends as a team. This whole thing actually made me forget (even just for a day) all the pains hiding inside me. This day is really worth treasuring! It’s been a while since i felt this genuinely happy. For once in your life, did you ever came to a point where you don’t want some days to end because you know that it will take a […]
it’s been awhile since i have been here. i was hoping not to feel compelled to write here again but circumstances have decided otherwise. it has been a rough year for me.when my birthday came around i had every intention of being dead. i had made arrangements, secured a means, everything was set to go. then the day came and for some reason i couldn’t do it. a few short days later i had a very ugly and traumatic breakup with both my shrink and therapist. and yet i survived. i have been off psych meds for the first time in over 20 years. things […]
Step one of five has been completed. My death date is January 9th. The same date as my birthday. My first step was to leave school. Well technically I got kicked out/academic probation but I didn’t tell anyone that. As far as everyone knows (including my family) I’m transferring to another school. I couldn’t tell anyone that I’m getting kicked out. I’m not blaming anybody for everything I did wrong and why i didn’t do well. I just don’t know what happened. I was doing so well with school and making straight A’s for the first 2 years. And I don’t even want to blame […]
survive my suicide attempt. Only one. Straight forward attempt. I worry if I try again I won’t be successful and I’ll have created even more problems for myself. But I really wish it would have worked back then so that I didn’t still have to struggle. Cause pain. Live a meaningless life filled with unfinished projects, poverty, sadness, shame, isolation, regret. I just wonder what’s the fucking point to any of it. Why did I survive. My life has no grand purpose. I’m just another shmuck trying to get by, trying to stay sane, powerless, defeated and over it. I want to try again but […]
Destruction from the inside out.
That’s how it goes.
Living in this fear and doubt
in depths no one knows.
All that’s left is void.
A calling left unheard.
A person to avoid.
A person called absurd.
I thought there might be someone
who could lend a helping hand?
But now I think I’ve realized no one
really ever can.
My soul is too far gone;
but too afraid to leave.
There is no such bond
that I cannot but grieve.
No point in living;
only of that sorrow brings.
No point in dying;
only of that hope still sings.
I would have but one regret;
a seeing things workout.
But I would be long set
in the cold hard ground cast out.
A watching from far and near
of […]
I’m drunk so if any of this is kind of drunk sounding… lol
I spent the last 8 months planning it. Now someone I thought was gone is back in my life. Kind of, anyway. Don’t know what I should do. I set everything up. I made sure everything would be as hard as possible to fix and get put back together in my life so I couldn’t chicken out. Even if I an turn it around, what would be the point? Is there even a point to life, or a place in it for someone so screwed up?
For fucks sake! Can somebody please shut that fucking dog up?!
Its the middle of the night, 02:15 am to be more exactly and I cant sleep because this fucking dog wont shut up.
I swear, if it doesn’t shut up, my rage will reach boiling point and I wont be responsible for my own actions.
It keeps barking and howling, and it wont let me sleep. The images in my head wont go away. Im sick of it. I fucking hate it.
Now Im crying…