There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Do I deserve this terror-ible life?
Not just terrible, terror-ible.
I feel like I deserve more than what I am today.
Here are a few key factors to me, my personality, my life.
1. I took many online tests, all of them says I am a good person.
2. I almost never lie, and I’m also not lying when I say this.
3. I only cheated in school tests 2 times. And I regret.
4. I am 9.
5. I think I am gifted: I can do the rotate leg clockwise and write 6 with index finger in the air thing and not change direction, I’m one of the few people who can […]
Day by day, this world is makes less sense. Are Americans really that stupid to think a racist, delusional, pathetic failure of a businessman should be allowed to run the country? Combined with the vanity of ISIS, China and North Korea, this world is going to shit.
If Man’s nature is a lust to feel superior, to control, to dominate than I reject nature and humanity itself. Prideful ideologies unwilling to recognize its failures and accept differences are ingrained into the masses. Yet if those ideologies are destructive, what choice is there but to remove them? To realize one’s mortality and their insignificance is the first […]
Morning: I was sad and scared of taking the exams. I was feeling pressured too. And little. So I ran away.
Traffic. The driver made us go. I got some money back and walked. While walking I thought of it as a punishment for running away. But rode another ride halfway. I’m a half ass lol.
I stopped at a convenience store to get a drink. And walked home.
I took out the stuffs I bought yesterday. One of them is the cards from cardcaptor sakura. It is said it can be used for divination too. So, I arranged it. Somehow, I got motivated to do something. Like […]
If destruction is my punishment, so be it.
I cannot be absolved.
This hierarchy of pain is meant for human consumption.
Freedom is a false concept.
We are slaves to our emotions.
Slaves to our attatchments.
Undeserving.
Bloodletting.
Outcasts among the masses.
If destruction is my punishment, pain is my savior.
Dismal outlook.
Chasing oblivion.
So is
My desolation.
I’ve never used a website like this before, i have been struggling with my emotions for as long as i remember. Tonight was the first time i have cut in four years. I currently do not want to leave my bed. But i probably will leave it and lay on thr floor. All of this i have done as a punishment to myself for hurting someone that I love. I deserve this emotional turmoil I feel. I deserve the tears in my skin and the empty feeling in my chest… I will not eat tomorrow. I don’t deserve to be comfortable. Why am I punishing […]
I don’t have an eating disorder, but I do use starvation as a form of self-harm. The pain and weakness that come with intense hunger are gratifying in a sick, sick way. Hunger is one part punishment, one part distraction. I deserve to suffer this way, and the suffering keeps my mind off of how terrible I feel emotionally.
I haven’t had a full meal in 3 days and have been sleeping through dinner. The best part is that no one in my family cares. I told you. I deserve this. No one in this house would care if I rotted away. I should really just […]
I want to start off by saying this is not so much a cry for help as it is more just for someone to listen for once in my life. You know the guy you always hear about with the “so fucked up it belongs on TV” life? The guy who is a struggling drug addict, unmedicated bi-polar, self hating suicidal freak? The guy who’s self-esteem is at absolute zero because no matter what he does or how hard he tries he is never good enough for anyone? Well, in a short description, that guy is me. I’m not proud or happy to tell anyone […]
What can i expect to find in Paradise….
i will be bored with such a contended life….
I will happily embrace Hell,
As it will still have a purpose, a hope.
I will wake-up ever day for a new punishment
With the hope that may be this is the day
When God will forgive me and this punishment will be over
And i know, i will never be forgiven;
And i know, i will never lose this hope
…..
But….It seems like i am already in hell; No?
And i have a hope that one day
i will wake up from this nightmare and
this […]
If there’s a punishment in the afterlife for suicide, don’t you think one would deserve it at least until people forgive the suicidal one? I don’t believe with certainty that there’s even an afterlife but you never know. The only thing I’m almost sure of is that there’s no eternal “hell” because there’s so many factors that go into one’s life that It’s not fair to punish you eternally for what you did in a short lifetime. I believe in God for some reason. Also, NDE’s and even science are beginning to support a theory of an afterlife.
Most of my life is dominated by fear. So why not lay it out. What’s the worst thing that I can imagine?
I suppose it’s experiencing neverending pain, torment, horror, terror etc. That’s what ideas of hell tend to invoke. It’s hard to imagine feeling that kind of extreme negative emotion non-stop, for all eternity. Surely you’d become numb to any kind of torture, given enough time. But I can’t dismiss it entirely. The idea of hell has a deep grip on a part of my psyche. Because it feels I deserve that kind of punishment. I can’t really square that with my rational side. I […]
What if when you die, if you kill yourself, your punishment is to come back worse than now. A starving kid, someone with a horrible debilitating condition. I guess thats true of any way you die.
63 and still the thoughts come back. Defective. Quit trying to fight it. I look back and see things I’ve done that I didn’t do right. Spent 6 yrs feeling like I could believe the “you are OK; you are a great mom/wife/friend” Only to come back full circle to this. Fucked up person. No one can I share this with because they either try to tell me I’m wrong or I risk having them really see what a loser I am.
Is it inevitable and why do some fail and never think of ending it? I want to run somewhere because I need to think; […]
Today in therapy I learned a few things about myself. As a child, I was never taught kindness, or how to love. I raised myself and my little brother. My mom was always sleeping, or couldn’t care less. The little she did for us, some cooking and laundry, she’d complain about, scream about it. She is a ticking time bomb we’d have to tiptoe around, avoiding the next explosion. As unpredictable as she is, it somehow was always my fault, she was never in the wrong. What could a 4 year old have done to have my mom scream at me every day before school? […]
To enable the act of someone taking their own life…is simply the most beautyful act a person can have…it is something truly personal….and I would myself die…just to enable this right to all people…
Truly….
If this society is to go further into the modern age…it most have such qualities…as the right to take ones own life…
If this right is not come to a society that claims to be modern…then it is simply not truly a high nor evolved nor modern society…..
It is a society stuck in the old superstitious ages…where one belives in punishment for such…that truly is the worst crime ever….
Truly….
A FREE SOCIETY ALLOWS SUICIDE…AND […]
Is it weird that I don’t want to stop cutting? Like it’s been a part of me for four years. When I tried to throw my razors away I literally cried. I feel as if I deserve everything I do to myself. Like cutting isn’t a cry for help or a cry for attention. Cutting is just a coping method or a punishment in a way. It’s hard to explain. It’s just so confusing and ughhhhh.
I’ve been fighting this for years. Trying to be happy in spite of it all. It’s always worse in the morning. Feelings I’m sure you know all too well.. Such an intense mixture of negative emotions, feeling hopeless and hurt. Every morning I wake up to suicidal urges. My family keeps me from it. I cry when I imagine the pain I’d leave behind. So I carry on. Not so much living, but existing. I try to live, but how can I? Happiness seems like a myth. And yet I continue to reach for it. But the most frightening thing is that I think, deep […]
The more I tried to get help and was honest, it would seem that I hit some sort of systemic punishment. Over the years my diagnosis are getting longer, treating physicians are saying I’m too sick to be accepted, and I seem to get punished by care providers when I’m trying my best. I even went to the best facility in the US for an extraordinarily extended period of time. In the end, I learned that I could not speak my truth and was often demoralized at my attempts to combat my suicidality. Why am I the one to blame when the treatments are not […]
Damn. It’s Hot. I hate this island. Nothing ever makes sense here. Everyone is smoking and drinking and killing cursing and…is happy. Why do buses filled with white people come here? Who in their right mind would want to come here? Avoid the groid! It’s so hot! Is this hell? Because everyone torments me with their jubilee while I am just devastated. I thought that If I preserved my memories they preserve me but they are just a mental horror movie. My childhood wasted. The real me Lost somewhere in between the beatings and loneliness and alienation. Why here!? Haha. Maybe I should run to […]
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