Hello guys! I haven’t used this website in 2 years and seeing my older posts are quite a strange experience. I came here in 2014 because isolation and depression pushed me to the edge, rock bottom, or whatever. Started feeling depressed 10 years ago! It’s my Sadniversary and I thew up my birthday cake. My birthday was wednesday and I had a violent indigestion, because why the hell not. Well this feeling persists, yet again. The reason I’m here today is because even if I do feel this pain, this need to die, this very heavy weight of self shame and being worthless, it is […]
Tag:
Surprise
I’ ve written here once before how I was going to kill myself by train. http://suicideproject.org/2015/12/suicidal-but-not-depressed-2/ Surprise, surprise I survived going in front of the train. Don’t know how it is possible, but here I am. They must build weird trains here.
I first became concsiously aware of myself in the mental hospital and I don’t remember going to suicide nor being in the hospital/half of mental hospital. I had head trauma and broken coral bone and that’s it. I wish I had died and don’t know what to do now.
I still don’t want to live but I am short […]
So, haven’t been here in a while. Partly because I felt I should try and maintain some sort of emotional distance; SP reminds me a lot of a mental landscape I know very well, but like to pretend doesn’t exist.
It might have been working. I never know until things fall down around my head.
It’s not even (not ever) anything big. Just grade averages and rankings and the stress of not knowing, because I need that scholarship but that’s not even the reason. It’s just because I care, I give everything in this course a hundred and twenty per cent and come up worse than people […]
I saw a film I quite liked a couple weeks ago.. I’m a big fan of movies in that they tend to take me away from myself for a little while.. Escapism.. got to love it. No surprise that i seem to prefer films that are less than uplifting and have broken characters..
I recommend Love Eternal.. and to a lesser degree OXV : The Manual, and Animals.
Anyone have any hidden gems i can distract myself with?
I am still alive. now at the age of 21 looking back on what i have been trough and it starts making sense again.
I reached to the breaking point again and remembered this site from long ago and was thinking i should spill my thoughts here.
I never told much about my self from the few posts i made here and now i feel is the time to reveal some details about myself just so things would seem more clearly.
so what to begin with? since when i was a little kid our family had lots of problems. we never were a big family, […]
My story THERE IS ALOT TO READ SO GET COMFORTABLE and I wish I could give all those people who read the whole thing a damn cookie or something for their efforts!
Right from the beginning my childhood was far from ideal. My mother was a drug addict and gave no affection or encouragement that I can remember.
I never met my father until later in my childhood, he also turned out to be a scary looking toothless drug addict and acted like he knew me far too well which didn’t sit well with me at all.
When I was born I had two older brothers, […]
seriously I think I’m losing it. It’s like my mind is eating itself with bad thoughts and I don’t think I can handle it at this point. I need to feel nothing at this point. I can’t bring myself to commit suicide at this point, I have too many failed attempts to mess up again. I just kind of want to not exist? but never have existed I think is a more accurate term. I see my therapist on Wed. but I don’t know how it will go, I think he is going to give me skills to cope which I don’t know how that […]
I feel so desperate having no where else to vent to but lately I’ve been so alone. My friend and I had a shopping trip and I jokingly say we should have a sisterhood for a sweater and she says “I might be able to fit into your clothes but our other friend definitely  won’t ” and she may not realize it but that was her calling me fat. I hate when she always hints indirectly that I am the fat friend. And I’ve been on my way loosing weight. I’ve lost 15 so far and plan on another 30 but I just don’t think […]
The lawn may be green
But you better not be seen
Walkin’ through the gate that leads you down
Down to a pool fraught with danger
It’s a pool full of strangers
I miss you.
I miss you like hell.
Why did you have to change.
We fit so well together.
We were soulmates.
But you had to change.
I probably sound crazy but I’m so emotionally broken deep down in my heart I don’t know what to do.
Self harm is so relieving.
It’s how I tolerate the pain.
I thought this kind of stuff would never happen to me.
I can’t reach out for help. It seems unnecessary. I don’t want to disturb everyones little happy bubble. So I need to hide it. Hide all of my emotions so no one can see how broken I am. No one needs to know no one cares. […]
My story is kind of a weird one. But here it goes. My main reason for attempting suicide, was a girl. But this girl, is incredible. Beautiful,
Funny, sweet. Id say more things about how great she is, but that would take a while. Anyway, heres the story. This girl, who i pretty much fell in love with, is like my world at this time. I cant get her out of my mind, i cant sleep because of her. It sounds like thats coming right out of a movie. But its true. I actually love this person. Which didnt work out to well for […]
As I am typing this, my life on paper sounds like the most ideal life anyone can hope to live. I did drop out of college and my job, but only for a few months as I’m planning to get a part time summer job and take classes again in the Fall (I’m lucky my parents didn’t punch me in the head for what I did). Everyone in my family is… family. Normal. Granted, my parents and I had our differences and argued sometimes, but that’s normal, isn’t it?
Childhood was relatively normal (minus being molested by two teeenage girls when I was like… 8? I […]
i can’t fucking believe you! i pour my heart out to you and all you take from it is some imaginary threat? are you paranoid or something? why is it all about you?wow i am stunned. i leave your office sobbing-again. aren’t you supposed to be keeping me from killing myself? instead of throwing fuel on the fire? how can you be so tone deaf? first it was ” am i on the list” ? like i even know you or something. then you are offended by my surprise that you called me at the hut. then you are offended again that i was surprised […]
well a lively chat today. i was surprised that you had already read last nights post. and surprised that you would be offended by that surprise. seriously my cynicism has everything to do with my self loathing and not your personal or professional capabilities. my previous therapist never called me at the hut . and i know that i am just one of many that you see. i did notice by the way that you zinged me pretty good. yes i know that killing myself would leave a mess for others to clean up. both literally and figuratively. i also know that my family and […]
spiral, a downward spiral. those two words: my life. I was going to kill my self, jump off a tower SURPRISE! i pass out and wake up to find out I have cancer (however the hell that works) then I find out that…SURPRISE! the cancer is spreading. (although I have to admit sstarving the cancer has worked a lot so thanks to those who suggessted that) I went back to school and duh, stupid me! I seriously thought they’d leave me alone since I had cancer, maybbe they’d show some sympathy instesd of hate….hell no. Surprise! i have so much anger toward the world inside […]
I still remember the times when nothing is too complicated (except for math) or too morbid. But now, look at my life. I like heavy metal and the colour black. I write poems that revolve around the theme death. I just came out of depression. And I want it back.
To say the truth, I came from a ‘perfect’ family. My dad has a good job, my mum loves all three of us and we siblings get along with each other almost all of the time. I get somewhat alright grades, around A to B usually, and I am in the school track team. Our whole […]
There seems to be a common theme when I get messages or responses from people on some of my posts. I would like to address those now.
1. “Time will heal”(or any variation of that): My answer is this, it has been over 10 years for me. I hurt like it is day 1. My heart has not healed, in fact, it is very much an open, gaping wound. Every where I go I see her. I feel her, I sense her… it isn’t going away. Time is only making it harder on me. If it was getting better, if I was truly on the path […]
Day was especially crap. But that is no surprise. Don’t really feel like talking about it.
I have a question though,
Should I get a cat?
Let me explain a bit, I’ve always LOVED cats, I’ve done volunteer work at a cat shelter, I absolutely love them. They are like my soulmates (if that makes any sense). I had one, which would scratch me all the time, and once cut my eye lid and it was really bad (had to go to the hospital and all), and my mom started getting really worried and didn’t trust the cat, so we had to give him back. Then I got […]
The majority of the posts that I have read are from people in High School. I get it high school is rough. Other students are mean. And you feel Your teachers, parents and family don’t understand you. I was there too at one point in my life. I am hoping that by sharing my story I can give others hope for a better out-look on life. Now before I continue with my story I need to say that I have thought about killing myself, I thought about pain less ways and painful ways. I also thought of ways to make it seem like an accident. But […]
Well I think its time to tell people why I cut and why I think I’m depressed. It starts off like all the rest, happy family, with money, love ect.. When I was about four years of age I was working in the farm with my daddy and my sixteen year old cousin, my dad left to get some food for the cattle, I was sitting on a lump of hay. My cousin comes up to me and starts fingering me. It was not a good experience for me and I couldn’t get him to stop. I think he would have gone a lot further […]
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