I started cutting again. My friends didn’t think I had the balls (pun intended since I’m a girl) well surprise mother fuckers. And I couldn’t get the smile off my face since I saw the blood. And razor, its been too long my old friend.
Tag:
Surprise
heey, well.. its been a while i guess.. been really down lately. even though im talking 30mg of prozac.. doesnt work.. no surprise tho.
been losing lots of weight! wooohooo!!!!! though of course my friends would disagree about the “wooohoooo”
i fainted the other day, fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle. of course my friend thinks its from not eating, and maybe it is, but oh well..
got a boyfriend. hes really sweet and nice. tho my one really good friend doesnt aproove. she saying i could do much better. but so what?? he makes me happy and thats all that should matter. hes thinking about […]
Ok so I posted a little poem I wrote on here called Wake Up Call. I wrote it quite a while ago actually, but I didn’t know how I could make it work. How was I supposed to end my life in a way that woke people up? But thanks to a stroke of luck, that problem has been solved, so I decided to post the poem. And I decided to put up some backstory here: Very recently I went to an old friend’s house. His uncle was in town and he had brought his key to a gun safe they keep at my friend’s […]
My Night
I put the cold barrel in my mouth,
To quiet the screams that may come out.
My hands shake when the time nears,
As my eyes cry silent tears.
I can’t help, but think to say,
Will this really be my last day?
I wanted to test fate with a little game…
Russian roulette, now that is a shame.
I sought out a sign to tell me to stay,
To keep on trying until my golden days.
Three out of five loaded, and ready to go
Two left out, now time for the show.
I pulled the trigger, and let out a small yell.
I was sure, right then, I had been sent straight to hell.
As the minutes passed, I opened my eyes,
Life […]
Today was really good. Went way better than expected. So it’s just typical to come home and have that feeling destroyed. Walk through the front door to a grumpy brother and a sleeping mother. Great, Recipe for success. And then it just got worse.. And now i’m this. I don’t know what this is, but I am it.
I have a surprise maths exam tomorrow. Am I going to be able to do it? probably not, I fully expect to break down… At least they say I can write in pencil as it’s only a mock. I don’t know how much longer I can go on […]
underage high schooler living with  a clinically depress/paranoid mom.
everynight around 11pm-8am my mom would have these urges to freak out/cry/yell. the things I hear is that everyone treated her like crap. she would look in the mirror and yell at herself how she gotten so ugly as a person. the “freak outs” have been going on for a year. it’s getting financially and emotionalbad worst. let’s say, if tmrw I loose everything I own I won’t be surprise. I’ve been clinically depress since the 7th/8th grade. so far I’ve attempted suicide twice. ended up in the hospital and depression center both times. seriously I think […]
Well as the title States I’m new to this site. My names tj and I am cursed and bated by everyone and everything. If there is a God which I don’t believe there is I’m pretty sure he hares me as well. I lost my best friend, my girlfriend and pretty much everyone who’s ever been in my heart either by choice or not. No matter how hard I try to be a good person and nice to everyone it always goes horribly wrong. Most recently I found a girl who I began to fall in love with ironically with the same name as my […]
This is my favorite song, it’s Sarcasm by Get Scared. I just wanted to share. Look it up, maybe you’ll like it…
(i dont own this song, i think Nick Matthews does…)
You’ve got me shaking from the way you’re talking
My heart is breaking but there’s no use crying
What a cyanide surprise you have left for my eyes
If I had common sense I’d cut myself or curl up and die
Sticks and stones could break my bones
But anything you say will only fuel my lungs
Don’t mind us we’re just spilling our guts
If this is love I don’t wanna be loved
You pollute […]
Things were starting to get better. It’s been almost two weeks since the last time I sliced myself. I finally told my dad to get me a therapist since my mom doesn’t give a shit. I guess my dad forgot about me again. Not a surprise, my family seems to forget about me alot. I even tell them I’m their forgotten child.
I really hate my family. Especially my mom. She thinks it’s hilarious to make fun of me. She’s over done it today. Haha very funny to make fun of your daughter in front of my dad and little brother. I always just […]
I don’t like the person I am anymore. I’m okay on some levels, but in close relationships I become a cold *****. I don’t know how to fix it, therapy hasn’t helped much with the issue. I’m stressed in general, but I guess I just get unhappy.
My boyfriend and I just broke up for the millionth time, what a huge surprise. I’d like to say that this was more his fault than mine but it’s probably pretty even. I’m a really difficult person to be in a relationship with. I’m not sure what to do about it. Truth be told, I feel weary all of […]
Phone rings
Don’t wanna pick it up
I’m so scared
I’m gonna say too much
I tip toe around your questions
Why you gotta dig so deep?
Tears fall
And the glasses break
Inside these walls
The floor boards shake
From outside
It’s alright
Long as you looking from fifty feet
I been trying trying
Hold my head up high
I been lying lying
Keeping it all inside
Trying not to trust you, yeah
Take another leaf, I’m broke yeah yeah?
I’m done, I give up
I don’t wanna pretend no more
That’s it, so what
I’ve lost a friend before
Gonna say it like it is
No […]
Ever heard that song about teddy bears in the woods having a picnic…?
‘If you go out in the woods today, You’re sure of a big surprise, If you go out into the woods today, You’d better go in disguise’.
I have no idea what that song has to do with this post or even my thoughts, but the song came into my head yesterday evening and has buzzing through my head like a constant bird’s song. And for the minority of the majority of you that are wondering whether or not i still want to kill myself, the answer is yes, i do.
Fuck.
I really want to […]
Right now I feel sad. For the first time in ages, I’m not angry, not depressed, not even numb and barely suicidal.
Just sad.
But I feel worse than usual because of that.
Because I know that all it will take to cheer me up is a hug from the right person for the right length of time.
I just want someone to hold me, really hold me.
Not a brief hug, not a surprise hug, just a long, warm embrace.
And what kills me right now is that there’s no one I can hug in that way right now.
And there hasn’t been for years.
And right now, my sadness is making […]
I think there must be many dreamers doing the same in these moments. Looking for a sense of a futile existence, many without a penny in his pocket still naively believe that will be realized.Of course it’s possible! We will not give up, do not you add to the list of losers who just resigned themselves to see through each day without surprise, without a smile, without a word.
No doubt life is not worth it without a reason to exist. Exist without a trace bitter, sweet, sad or happy as a fingerprint, there is not just what we do many: the losers once we […]
EDIT: Â My only thought was dying, I really didn’t consider the feelings of the person that would be driving the vehicle (obviously). I’m sorry. Â I’ll come up with something else then.
I haven’t eaten in a while, I mean, why bother to when I’m just going to die anyway. I thought long and hard about how to do it, I’m just not sure how much of an accident it will look like. No one is to know I’m doing it on purpose, that I want to die. That will only complicate things if I fail and end up in some hospital with a couple of broken […]
My19 year old life hasn’t exactly been as “great” as it is right now. This is extremely long, but I’ve finally found a place where I can just let it all out. Thank you to those who read it.
It all started with being raped for 7 years of my life. I didn’t know what was happening or why it had to be a secret. But eventually with age I figured it out. I spent a good chunk of my life afraid. Afraid to be alone with any boys and afraid to get close to them too. I found out that I was chosen because I was “pretty”. […]
Please talk to me after you read…..I need…idk..
Tonight is the night
Through my hate and demise.
I sit, waiting in fright.
In darkness blinded by my own surprise.
Weeping for hours.
And screaming in tears.
Walking through towers and showers ,
Through my own bloody tears.
What is the sound I hear in my mind.
Ofcourse it’s the sound I know all to well…laughing and jeers
To some,it would be of some wicked crime
I grabbed my military issued knife and tied a gag
As I slowly but surely cut my wrists
Watching slowly as the blood drips in a bag..
Wishing more hate apon my soul in […]
Hi People! Again its me! no joke… i dont write that often x)
anyways! this night, high again but this time on speed… thinking about some things ive done
today for a change i went to my moms place to see her (ya she kicked me out umm.. 1 month ago) so yaa i went to see her to pick clothes and my guitar and also talk and mayb arrange things… abviously she talked to me in a bitchy way this made me FUCKING angry i tried to calm down but i started replying back in a stupide way to joke around (btw i was […]
This is going to be more of a rant really. Knowing me, a long(-ish?) post. My apologies (If anyone even goes on to read this) for probably many clichés and awful English. Apparently I’m a fairly good writer. Pah, I wonder who’d still think that after reading my journals? No, I think that people on here and around me are just kinder than I deserve. My friends deserve so much more than me (I’m sorry…).
But yeah, ‘what a surprise’. Choose to die. Fail. Find more reliable ways to die. Fail. Set a date: 101252. Ooh, what a shocker – fail. What’s my freaking problem this time? […]
I have horrible anxiety. I’m not completely sure why. But it’s controlling my life. Or rather it affects my life. Greatly. Anyways, the reason why I’m so anxious all the time is because I was abused, raped, and neglected as a child. Even though, technically speaking, I still am a child (I’m 13). The neglect had ended 3 years ago. But the abuse and rape went on until this past fall. Now it’s done. It’s gone. But I feel like it was just yesterday………… So, ya. I have been diagnosed with GAD. But I counselor said I don’t need a medication for it. I also have alot of crazy and creepy fears. These […]