after following this site for many years, I have worked up the courage to spill my guts. I knew it would eventually lead to this very moment. It used to hurt but now that I can wear a mask I don’t need it, the irony irritates me. The pain hurts momentarily before it overwhelms me and i go numb and it subsides. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time with a regurgitation of what others have felt. I’m no different after all I’m not special. The only thing I had was my philosophy and I lost that I lost everything. Money is meaningless. I’m no […]
I am momentarily happy, made some good decisions, while also being a bit impulsive. Of course the impulsive is a negative thing, but I am generally deluded, so I think I have it under control. It’s a flaw in judgement and inhibition, as if the impulse center in my brain has grown rabid, viciously pursuing euphoric pleasure or joy. However, I find that I am very capable of redeveloping that self control, seems tonight taught me a lot of things.
I found out that living in a hedonistic capricious way is liberating, and it allows you to stifle the constricting grip of life’s hardship. The […]
I am going to end it these days. I want you to know that no matter what problem you have in your lives it will always be a brighter way. The thing is that in the world are losers and winners. I am a loser, even if have / will have everything this darkness that is inside of me won’t go away. Btw, you are always in control. No matter what happened to you, you are always in control. Don’t be a fucking depressed guy like me and go and live your life at your fullest. Do whatever makes you happy. I am sure that […]
And with this now we die
Standing at the edge of the world
Uncertainty calling as the page unfurls
Fortune, heaven or hell
Shedding my body of this mortal shell
Black steel and iron
A lion heart is forged from these bones
Fear not, the discontent you hide
Awake from the slumber and define this time
No fear to pay the price
And with this now we die
Ashes to ashes
The ocean crashes
Louder and louder it cries
Over and over
The sands wash over
Facing, embracing the tides
And with this now we die
And with this now we die
Screaming violence into the void
Hello,
I just recently came across this site as I was in a broken state. I’ve taken hundreds of online depression quizzes and all seem to say the same thing…that I am severely depressed. Every time I bring up being tested to my mom, she makes it seem like it’s a big joke and laughs. It has never once got through to her that maybe something is wrong with me. People talk about me, “friends” don’t want to hang around me, my mother claims im a long list of words such as: ugly, fat, a pig, stupid, attention seeker, drama, dumb ass, retarded….. the […]
I feel so lonely right now because I am spending Christmas so alone . I wish I had friends to give presents to or go to Christmas parties with . This time
Of the year makes me so sad . It’s hard to get out in the world and make friends .
But anyways happy holidays to you all. I’m gonna go drink some wine .
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I keep searching for my purpose and for something…anything that can make me forget everything. Sometimes like a couple of days ago, yesterday, today… I wish there was a little pill that can erase all my memories. I want to wake up a new and different person and see life and see the world with a different perspective because i can’t do it on my own. I’m more than damaged, I’m half dead.
I hate Facebook today.
Last night, I learned that a friend took her own life. Her Facebook page is full of pictures with her arms wrapped around her children, positive quotes, jokes, “happy” pictures with friends and deeply spiritual thoughts.
We post glimpses of our hearts not wide open pictures of our real life. We are careful not to show depth or vulnerability. God forbid that someone would see our flaws or pain.
I am learning that the keyboard becomes a template on which people […]
It’s a sad day to learn how much your father dislikes you. Resents your very existence. My idea of our relationship was so off its shocking. I thought we were close and that he was proud of me. Unfortunately, that is not the case. He looks at me with disgust and expresses it every chance he gets. I think the world of him. He is the best man I know and to have someone that I admire so much think so little of me takes my breathe away. It’s hard to inhale. Literally hard and […]
A Beast
A beast with a silver tongue
A heart of fool’s gold
A body covered in scars
A mind full of pain
Lies hidden behind pretty words
Pain hidden behind false smiles
Eternal loneliness
These are what the beast lives with
The darkness questions
Where’s your strength
How dare you feel this way
What gives you the right
The darkness says he deserves it
Maybe he does
After what he has done
Does he deserve forgiveness
His soul cries out
Begs for the darkness to leave
Anything, as long as it will leave
The darkness only digs in deeper
Escape is all he wants
There is only one way
It is to lie down in a coffin
And that’s the way the beast likes it
I Don’t Know How […]
I’m a really shitty person. I don’t feel like I’m salvagable at this point. There isn’t a future version of me that should be able to be happy. Some people really should just die, and I feel like I’m one of them.
I don’t want to die. But it feels right, to a part of me. By continuing to live, I’m resisting the recognition of who I really am, and what should happen to me. I’m making the world worse, just by continuing to be in it.
The thought of a world without me in it is appealing, even though I wouldn’t be around to enjoy it. […]
I cant do it this is stupid. Im too tired to move most of the time. Its a battle to not beat myself up all day. My best friend has stopped talking to me so she can kill herself and now ignores me im alone so im back here to be judged and picked apart. I want to die. Ive been suicidal for decadesm i should want to die. Im tires im sick my job is stressful. Everything is a suicide trigger I can’t stop over eatting. I am just scratching the surface I’m so angry i punch things at work randomly. Im undatable, uninteresting, […]
This year I was diagnosed with a metabolic disorder towards my eyes. And my diet changed completely.
Then around May time this year I started to feel depressed, suicidal and I had anxiety. And I started cutting.
Then I promised my best friend I would stop cutting. I broke that promise twice. This time I promised and he made me swear on his life:(
A month ago I found out my dietitian thinks I need Physchologist, she thinks something’s wrong with me.
About a week ago I had surgery. And then about 2days ago I did the most stupidest move in the world and it could’ve ruined my life. […]
I don’t know what I’m looking for from this, a place to get everything off my chest to hopefully clear my mind. This is going to be a long post.
I’m 17, male, currently attending a school that specialises in Mathematics, I’m studying Mathematics, Further Mathematics, Physics and Computer Science for my A levels. I have links to a cyber security firm who will give me a scholarship and put me through a computer science degree should I choose to go to university. I also have a huge interest in nuclear energy and want to see if I can get a job in that field. My […]
At age 34, I’ve dealt with the darkness many times over, faced the abyss, waking up to the desire to no longer be here, but pushing through anyways, retaining a sliver of hope for better days, however long it may be to see them again.
Becoming crippled in my prime, on crutches for 7 months, knee braces for another year and 1/2, struggling to finish college while majority of my peers go about their days oblivious to the able bodied gifts they’d take for granted..The physical pain meaningless in comparison to the psychological, will I ever get better? Is this the new reality? I never got […]
Life sucks when you’re depressed and the rest of the world is happy.
Bah!
Your life fucking sucks. You don’t really mean anything because compared to how many other people there are in the world you’re nothing, and compared to how much time there has been and there will be you’re nothing. And yet you go through so much stress and pain and crying. So your life pretty much sucks ass. And you’re a fucking jerk because other people have it way worse than you. Some people don’t have parents. Some people don’t have a home. Some people don’t have anything to fucking eat. And you’re always whining “I’m depressed, I’m not loved enough.” You are pathetic. You deserve […]
I think I drive my self crazy. Last night I woke up at 3:11am , I always wake at this time. The numbers are really significant . They say that angels are trying to reach to me to give me peace . Numbers freak me out . And math freaks me out . Newton invented math , BUT HOW THE FUCK IS IT SO PERFECT??? I was up to 7 am this morning researching shit on this . It makes me head hurt . Then I started researching more philosophical views on life . All these geniuses were depressed too . I think they knew […]
I’m breaking. I’ve reached breaking point.
If I don’t talk to anyone about this, I will lose this battle. But I’m scared. I’m so scared to talk to anyone in my family. As much as they understand what I’m going through since they are going through the same thing, I doubt they do. (Not sure if that makes sense.) They will just tell me to tough it out like they always do.
Well… I’m so tired of being tough. I’m tired of having to pretend I am strong. I am so weak right now, I can hardly put up a fake smile. I can barely get […]
I lost my job of almost twenty years today. I don’t have a degree, any skills, a really low IQ, and health problems. I made a pact with myself a long time ago that if this happened, it would be the last straw. I would need to stop being a baby and take my own life. People have been reaching out to me lately, but good people never consider maybe this person had plenty of chances and fucked them all up. Maybe it’s time to admit that I’m a mistake and stop burdening the world. Those people will get over it if I go. They’ll […]