My life has never been good. I was abused as a child, it got really bad and i feel like it has caused brain damage. I find myself forgetting a lot of things i cant remember names or important information. The thoughts that i have can not be properly translated when i open my mouth to speak. I honestly sound like an idiot. I have also been sexually abused and I am told it’s not a big deal because it happens to everyone so i have to get over it, it replays in my mind every single day and that might sound like an exaggeration […]
I can’t think of anything differently to do today other than to suffer more.
This last week has been a blur.. I dont know what to think, cant seem to identify how i feel. When i think about leaving i seem to think of my kids less lately. And more about the end of feeling. Telling myself shell find someone to step in and in a few months itll be asif i had never even been here. Mom wont care, shell still be focused on success and work after a few weeks again. Dad wants to kill himself to so whats the difference. Im glad my boys are young they wouldnt remember. But i wonder would i be free? […]
Hey everyone, so this is something that has caused me a lot of stress and fear lately. I’m terrified to go to the doctor because I have horrible scars on my arm and hips. Doctors look you over and if for any reason I’d need to roll up my sleeve or they’d see my hips, they’d see my scars. Do you think they’d send me to a mental hospital if the saw them? I’ve been refusing to go to the doctor and it’s very difficult for me to tell a doctor about my depression as I once had a doctor who I went to get […]
Well, I broke the news. It’s less than welcome. I don’t have a ton of fight in me, but, I see this as literally fighting for my life. Just knowing its going to get harder makes me think why bother.
I dont even know what to write here, im so lonely, i dont know where home is. Im so embarrassed about how i get when im upset. Im weird and it feels like nobdoy could possibly love me. Its 4:43am and im always awake at this time, i dread the sun coming up so badly every morning. I sleep all day and that helps but at the same time i think it’s not doing me any good. I haven’t worked in like a year. I just dont feel alive, all i crave is to be held but girls dont even like me, im not ugly […]
Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.. I have a good job, good car, people who care about me. But I’m still not happy! And never have been. How pathetic is that? There are homeless people, children starving in Africa, someone dying of cancer right now begging for just another day. And here I am wishing I was never given this “gift” of life, I don’t see the point in it. I often think about suicide, and the only reason I don’t do it is because of my brothers, I don’t want them to feel pain. Idk if that’s selfish or selfless.
Anyways, […]
Day by day, this world is makes less sense. Are Americans really that stupid to think a racist, delusional, pathetic failure of a businessman should be allowed to run the country? Combined with the vanity of ISIS, China and North Korea, this world is going to shit.
If Man’s nature is a lust to feel superior, to control, to dominate than I reject nature and humanity itself. Prideful ideologies unwilling to recognize its failures and accept differences are ingrained into the masses. Yet if those ideologies are destructive, what choice is there but to remove them? To realize one’s mortality and their insignificance is the first […]
Ever just think really hard about suicide? Just to the point where you know exactly how you will do it down to ever little detail and imagine how it will play out afterwards. How everyone will react, how your funeral will go? Because I do.
First off Im not saying that people here should be out there enjoying life, if they can great.
What I am saying is that in my mind, I have come to realize more and more that there isnt much wrong with the world, I just cant enjoy it.
There are people out there with good friends that they can connect with, or even the strangers that they meet. They can be creative and set goals, be satisfied with what they accomplish and fine with what they dont.
I dont think I can.
I am a mess of emotions and wrong thoughts. A sadist that sucks at life. If I […]
Can I be dead, is that allowed? can I just die and dispear? I don’t think anyone will notice except my best friend/sister….
I go into the hospital tomorrow morning for some tests.
One of them is a dexamethasone suppression test to see if I have Cushing’s Disease, the other is to see if I still have Osteomalacia. (Not osteoporosis but osteomalacia).
I’ll find out the results next week, plus I’m hoping they’ll start investigating the tumor in my head which showed up on the x-ray about 2 years ago. (Yeah, they’re taking their time with that for some reason).
If the worst-case scenario happens with the tumor, I may not even have to worry about suicide after all.. my body will self-destruct all on its own.
Still can’t decide whether that […]
I didnt recieve any hope from these doctor visits, though I know have Cymbalta, so there’s that.
I’ve decided on a way to go. I know I’m not allowed to share. What I’m stuck on is the note, or if I need one. I’ll think on it on my way to work, or in the waiting room, and it eats at me like another inevitable arguement- but of course, this time there wouldnt be.
So why leave a note? They should know of what plagues me if they listened, and if they haven’t, fine. What of the other reparations.
Can I just have everything monetized, perhaps give […]
I’m astounded I never heard of suicide project before, seeing as I’ve fantasized about, planned and studied suicide for many many years. Whenever I dare to get close enough with someone that I might actually feel happy, they sense my deep depression and ask the inevitable – are you suicidal? That doesn’t satisfy them, no. They have to go further. How often do you think of suicide? That’s when they flee.
The bonds I need in order to cease feeling suicidal are not available to me until I’m no longer suicidal.
And around and around we go.
During the week I work, I workout, I’m busy doing stuff. I have no time to let my mind interfere. The weekends are the worst. I get lonely and depressed. Yesterday I was such a mess. I feel like nothing satiates me. I loathe weekends. I do nothing except ponder why I exist and wait for each moment to pass so I can go to sleep. But today I feel better. Distractions are amazing. To not be able to think… It’s wonderful.
I read a lot of posts by people who seem to be in their early years (teens, 20’s) and it makes me feel sad that so many young people feel so hopeless. I understand though – I reached that point too when I was in college, and if not for a quick-thinking friend who grabbed my shirt I would have “fallen” out a 19th story dorm window. That was in 1983.
But once I was past college and on my own two feet I’ve lead an OK life, so I’m glad I didn’t kill myself back then. I got to experience life on my own terms. Sometimes I […]
I lost my baby. I lost my baby. I lost my baby. This is all I can think about. I feel terrible and can’t seem to get better. I have a baby sister, I can barely look at her because she reminds of the child I lost. I know it’s not her fault but I get sad every time I see her. Today was her birthday, she turned a year old. All my family gathered and cheered and I felt miserable. I feel so alone, they don’t get me, and mistreat me. I want to be gone so bad.
I think I am going to take my life because otherwise I would go mad like Nietzsche. I am saying one thing to you, I don’t think that there is something after death, I am saying that whatever you do , you DO IT NOW, FOLLOW YOUR DREAM AND NEVER GIVE UP, DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ! FUCK OMEGLE AND THAT ***** AND AN ENTIRE LIFE OF CHRISTIAN INDOCTRINATION. EVEN IF THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE, HOW THE FUCK IS IT GONNA HELP YOU? YOU ARE GOING TO GET OLD AND DIE. PERIOD. I don’t want to continue my existence. I always felt like […]
I wasn’t planning on it, but come to think of it tonight is as good a time as any. I could do it and not be found for long enough for it to have a shot at working.
I’ve been considering death for long enough that I know it isn’t a passing fancy. I also know that 2am is not the best time to make impulsive decisions with permanent consequences, but I thought to myself before that the only thing between me and death was the selfishness to stop caring about whatever effects my death will have on the people I leave behind (funny how inconsequential […]
I have an English persuasive speech due.
Not to worry, its for the 7th of April,
I’ll be dead on the 6th.
We still have to do the work. All the writing and stuff. This gives me extreme anxiety. My heart keeps racing. I’m very panicked. Practice it in front of our class, get graded on it.
Wanted to do it on Euthanasia, but its going to be legalized soon here, so whats the point in going FOR it?
I’d go against it, but what arguments can I possibly have?
I’m very stressed.
This persuasive essay thing gives me so much anxiety.
I can’t eat or sleep or think. I feel horrible.
I’d kill […]